It's coming up on three months since Vickie left her practice. I didn't think it was possible for me to still miss her this much. Kerry has been great, but Vickie was my sanctuary from my own darkness. I've honestly felt lost without her. Honestly, I still feel lost. Vickie's guidance was pure, white light. Advice I get elsewhere - be it from Kerry or family or friends or my facebook family - is comparitively a voice in the darkness of my own affliction. I cannot find my way through the darkness to these voices. Vickie always showed me clearly visible direction. With Vickie's help, I knew where I was going; now, not so much. I miss her.
I'm floundering. I'm trying to keep myself distracted and succeeding well and failing miserably. I'm sad. I want things to not have changed. I want Vickie to not have left her career. I want what I can never seem to have...the unconditional love and acceptance of a special woman. Vickie is not that special woman. She is not even a representation thereof. But, Vickie was the one woman who was gonna ride shotgun on my journey to meet this special lady. She "got me" like no one else gets me. Now, it feels like Vickie bailed, and then somebody stole my ride. I'm lost, scared, tired and alone. I'm also getting tired of the journey.
At the end of the day, what I really want is somebody there at the end of the day. For whatever reason God and/or fate have determined that I am neither worthy nor deserving of this.
Solitude.
"Population: Me", Dwight Yoakam.
As much as this particular passage in the book of Mike is a bit of a downer, I see hope in it. At the very least, you can take heart in the fact that you are able to get your thoughts and feelings down on paper. I can't do that. My brother, PJ, is always yappin' at me about letting people know what's going on with my situation. I'd just rather not, but...I probably should.
ReplyDeleteI won't, though.
It may not seem like it, but you're headed in the right direction, and as long as you are headed in the right direction, you've got hope. If you've got hope, you've got a reason to keep going.
Now, I know people are going to say that you need to focus on the positives in your life - "Oh, but you have a good job...you make good money...you have a nice truck...blah, blah, blah." To which you will respond (either out loud or in your head), "Yeah, but what good is it to have all these things if I have no one to share them with." (not that you would ever end a sentence with a preposition). I think the reason that Vickie may have gotten you like no other is because you opened up to her like no other. She saw the entire 360 of the Mike Hoffman universe. Everybody else that gives you advice is just basing it off of what you let them see - what they think they know.
But they don't know.
So, that being said, I have no advice to give you, just an imaginary Heimlich Maneuver to see if I can't keep you from choking to death on the loneliness you've been feeling lately.
Well, Swamp People's on so I'm going to go see if RJ and Jay Paul are able to catch that bayou monster Bigfoot, a thirteen foot long alligator.