I think the problem I ran into with my flash-in-the-pan experience with Ashley was that we got traction before we plotted any kind of direction. I don't think you necessarily have to have your journey charted with a person you are newly dating to any extent beyond a reasonable hope for a second date, but its probably a pretty good idea to resist the urge to smoke your tires coming right outta the gate. In the interest of chivalry, I'll claim a full mea culpa on this one, even if I don't really believe it all belongs to mea. Enough said. Ashley is a wonderful woman, and I wish her peace, love and happiness...just not with me.
I have been supported to the Nth degree by some awesome friends who have all stepped up tremendously. Special thanks to Stevie, Deb Dudley, Diana, Rachel and, most especially, Erica. I have also been checked on by my wonderfully caring therapist, Kerry. Kerry, you had some big shoes to fill by being the Post Vickie therapist, and everything that was wonderful about Vickie fits you like the glass slipper you deserve - you're awesome!
Since last week's less than stellar turns-of-events, I've started a really great conversation with another interesting and lovely young woman. Her name is Susan. This is where the application of lessons learned with/from/because of Ashley comes in. Susan is laid-back, fun, light-hearted. I think I'll follow her lead in those respects. They say girls just wanna have fun. Well, so do guys, too, pretty much. Pizza, beer, football, coffee, Target, movies, trivia...it all sounds good to me. I'm much more relaxed talking to Susan, and I think I'll let that relaxed feeling be my internal pace-setter, here. Its cool that we get each other's arcane 80s pop culture references. I like that.
So, there it is. The last week, or so, in a nutshell. Hell, it took me 40 years to get to a point where my mindset is healthy enough to reasonably even try to date; it might easily take me another 40 years to get good at it. And, I don't think guys will ever figure out girls, so I'm just gonna throw that all-or-nothing goal out with yesterday's news. I thought about giving up on the whole dating thing because my first dating experience with a healthy mindset didn't work out well. Well, Erica indicted me quite correctly on that one...she said I was going back to an old "attack myself" psychological comfort zone; guilty as charged, your honor!
Lesson learned with a big thanks to all, even Ashley!
"One More Try", George Michael.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Depression: An Inside Perspective
I am fighting a bout of depression right now that is pretty nasty. People are telling me to snap out of it. It ain't that simple.
Depression is a disease like any other. When someone is depressed, telling them to snap out of it is like telling someone with a cold or the flu to just not be sick...as though it were a choice. For those going through major depressive episodes, which I occasionally do, folks tell you to concentrate on the good in your life. Well, that's like telling a cancer patient to just focus on all those other cells in your body that are healthy.
I think people who feel most deeply tend to hurt the worst. It only makes sense that that would be true. Well, I'm hurting pretty badly right now. So, forgive me if I can't seem to "just snap out of it" or miracle myself instantaneously back to health; but also, please try to understand that these things take time.
The good news is that these episodes, just like a cold or the flu, just need to run their course. The patient will recover gradually. I've been through this. I know what's involved. And, if you don't judge people who are ill with colds, flu or other disease, please do not judge me for my disease.
"Unwell", Matchbox 20.
Depression is a disease like any other. When someone is depressed, telling them to snap out of it is like telling someone with a cold or the flu to just not be sick...as though it were a choice. For those going through major depressive episodes, which I occasionally do, folks tell you to concentrate on the good in your life. Well, that's like telling a cancer patient to just focus on all those other cells in your body that are healthy.
I think people who feel most deeply tend to hurt the worst. It only makes sense that that would be true. Well, I'm hurting pretty badly right now. So, forgive me if I can't seem to "just snap out of it" or miracle myself instantaneously back to health; but also, please try to understand that these things take time.
The good news is that these episodes, just like a cold or the flu, just need to run their course. The patient will recover gradually. I've been through this. I know what's involved. And, if you don't judge people who are ill with colds, flu or other disease, please do not judge me for my disease.
"Unwell", Matchbox 20.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
It Ain't Her, Babe
I have put the Ashley-specific part of my most recent "break-up" behind me. I have convinced my family, friends and coworkers that I am okay.
I'm not okay. The problem is that my problem is not Ashley-specific. My problem is constant rejection. All the women I have ever tried to date all reach the same inevitable conclusion: I have no worth as a romantic consideration. I want romantic consideration. That's a problem. I think I need to resign myself to the fact that it can't be everybody else. I'm an ugly, worthless loser.
People try to console by saying there are alot of people "in the same boat". Well, there are probably "boats" loaded with people who just couldn't ever seem to figure out how to handle it, too. I guess when I ultimately surrender to my increasingly evident loser status, that will be something that also happens to alot of people.
"Comfortably Numb", Pink Floyd.
I'm not okay. The problem is that my problem is not Ashley-specific. My problem is constant rejection. All the women I have ever tried to date all reach the same inevitable conclusion: I have no worth as a romantic consideration. I want romantic consideration. That's a problem. I think I need to resign myself to the fact that it can't be everybody else. I'm an ugly, worthless loser.
People try to console by saying there are alot of people "in the same boat". Well, there are probably "boats" loaded with people who just couldn't ever seem to figure out how to handle it, too. I guess when I ultimately surrender to my increasingly evident loser status, that will be something that also happens to alot of people.
"Comfortably Numb", Pink Floyd.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Love-Me Knots
When things go wrong in life, people say trite but well-intentioned things. I think they do this to get you to tell them that you will be alright. I think they try, for the person who has been hurt or for themselves or maybe for all of the above, to route a detour around the process of feeling the sting. I don't want to take the detour; I need to feel the hurt. You think I'm just staring out the window; but, really, I'm looking closely at the pain.
Sooner rather than later, this all will have been put behind me, but for the time being it just has to suck. I have it logically figured out. I have repeated the process enough times under different conditions and circumstances, but always produced the same result of my not being worth considering as a romantic partner. That's just the way it is. I have alot of things going for me. Unfortunately, romantic acumen is not one of those things.
There are those special friends among you who will feel the need to try to convince me otherwise; don't. I know it comes from a good place, but the theory always ends up going the wrong way down the same dead-end street. And, chances are, I can argue my point, with the assistance of the company I don't have, better than you can argue yours. Yes, its about the journey; but, sometimes, you have to surrender to the need to pick a different destination because the one you originally intended is wholly inaccesible.
That's where I am.
"Lost Cause", Beck.
Sooner rather than later, this all will have been put behind me, but for the time being it just has to suck. I have it logically figured out. I have repeated the process enough times under different conditions and circumstances, but always produced the same result of my not being worth considering as a romantic partner. That's just the way it is. I have alot of things going for me. Unfortunately, romantic acumen is not one of those things.
There are those special friends among you who will feel the need to try to convince me otherwise; don't. I know it comes from a good place, but the theory always ends up going the wrong way down the same dead-end street. And, chances are, I can argue my point, with the assistance of the company I don't have, better than you can argue yours. Yes, its about the journey; but, sometimes, you have to surrender to the need to pick a different destination because the one you originally intended is wholly inaccesible.
That's where I am.
"Lost Cause", Beck.
She Took the "A" Train
Ashley finally took off those rose colored glasses she had been seeing me through, as I suspected that she might. When she did, she found whatever loser trait or lack of quality all the women I've tried to date have found. I wish I knew what that quality was; I'd work it in to my repertoire.
Oh well, it was sorta fun while it lasted...
"One For My Baby", Frank Sinatra.
Oh well, it was sorta fun while it lasted...
"One For My Baby", Frank Sinatra.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Knockin' on Heaven's Door
I have been trying to figure out how to broach the duplicity of being involved with another individual with my penchant for full disclosure of my own feelings here on the blog. The only thing I can come up with is, Ashley chooses to spend time with me. The me that she got to know originally was the blogging variety of me, so I don't see why that should change. In brief, I'm back!
These few weeks since my first date with Ashley have been some of the most exhilarating and also some of the most nerve wracking days I have ever enjoyed. As time has moved along, there have come instances in my interactions with Ashley that have given me pause for thought. Many of those thoughts are good and warm and fuzzy and sweetly romantic and make me feel like a kid with a gorgeous high school sweetheart. Some other feelings cause some degree of concern.
Ashley is beautiful, and I couldn't consider myself a more lucky guy for having her company and companionship. The old me wonders when she will quit seeing me through whatever rose colored glasses she's wearing and realize that I'm nobody's bargain. Ashley is very self-reliant and fiercely independent; I admire those qualities about her. When she looks for help that is just what she wants - help - not someone to do something for her. I have been able to help Ashley get some things done, and it felt great! I am notoriously known to be not a team player, but the two of us working together feels, to me, like the unified and seamless experience of a shortstop and second baseman in a perfectly turned 6-4-3 double play.
Ashley seems to be afraid of labels. She has gone to great lengths to tell certain individuals (her kids and certain of her coworkers) that I am not her boyfriend. She frequently does this while I'm present and I could just cringe. Ashley is the one who said first that she would not date other guys now that we are where we are in our shared experience. I reciprocated, of course, and gladly! Ashley has placed a self-imposed restriction against seeing other people, but says that I'm not her boyfriend. Now, I know its just a few weeks into this thing, and I know the initial spark of attraction came on very suddenly. Remember, I'm the one thinking that spark could be doused at any time.
I don't need labels. I don't need Ashley to call me her boyfriend, at this point, anymore than I need her to call me her gardener. What I would like, though, is to know where I stand. Does she see me as potential boyfriend material, or have I been relegated to her "friend zone"? Again, I don't need her to go around saying I am her boyfriend, but I do need her to not go around saying I'm not. If she is not comfortable with those labels, that's understandable; but, I'd prefer that she just didn't say anything, so that we could figure it out between ourselves. Also, we predominantly communicate via text message. I know its the new way, but I'm an old fashioned guy. I want to hear the lyricality of her voice. I want to listen to her breathe. I want to be with her, not in the physical sense, but just in the sense of in-the-moment being.
I feel intensely, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have made it abundantly clear to Ashley that she passes every test that I would ever need anyone to pass in order for me to know that she is someone worthy of my investment of emotion. I am neither nuanced nor coy, and I do not couch feelings well, especially not these feelings. When I first started seeing Vickie, we discovered quickly that I had become disconnected from my emotions and had lived that way for nearly thirty years. I isolated myself within the confines of strong barrier walls against feeling. I compartmentalized each area of my life rigidly, so that family didn't affect friends didn't affect work didn't affect romantic interests didn't affect school, and so on. Then, when I stopped compartmentalizing, I really stopped compartmentalizing. Its like I have been trying to make up for the thirty years of lost time and feelings. Its the best I know how to do - how to be - at this point.
My father had a seizure this morning. He is currently in the hospital and being checked for pneumonia, West Nile virus and a heart problem. Dad was in a bad way this morning. It brought home one of my biggest fears, having to die alone and lonely. Well, I think I have largely won the battle against loneliness; but, given the choice, I'd still rather not die alone. I want to grow old with someone. I don't need for Ashley to specifically be that individual (though that, so far, would be just fine with me), but I do need to date in a way that will bring me to a point that puts me with the specific woman who is that very special person who will walk me up to Heaven and kiss me goodbye at the gate. In short, I cannot be wasting years of my life dating someone who is not that person. Months seems fair, but with a cap of about a year or so to figure it out. So, that's where I am with my approach to dating. I'm not sure if Ashley is in that same ballpark with her approach to dating, or not. I think that kind of intensity and drive might scare off a lot of potentially signigicant others. In order to be true to myself, I have to find the one it does not frighten.
Ben Stein once said: "The indispensible first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.". Although I'm not ready to attach any name - familiar or unknown - to this goal, this is what I want:
"Grow Old With Me", Mary Chapin Carpenter.
These few weeks since my first date with Ashley have been some of the most exhilarating and also some of the most nerve wracking days I have ever enjoyed. As time has moved along, there have come instances in my interactions with Ashley that have given me pause for thought. Many of those thoughts are good and warm and fuzzy and sweetly romantic and make me feel like a kid with a gorgeous high school sweetheart. Some other feelings cause some degree of concern.
Ashley is beautiful, and I couldn't consider myself a more lucky guy for having her company and companionship. The old me wonders when she will quit seeing me through whatever rose colored glasses she's wearing and realize that I'm nobody's bargain. Ashley is very self-reliant and fiercely independent; I admire those qualities about her. When she looks for help that is just what she wants - help - not someone to do something for her. I have been able to help Ashley get some things done, and it felt great! I am notoriously known to be not a team player, but the two of us working together feels, to me, like the unified and seamless experience of a shortstop and second baseman in a perfectly turned 6-4-3 double play.
Ashley seems to be afraid of labels. She has gone to great lengths to tell certain individuals (her kids and certain of her coworkers) that I am not her boyfriend. She frequently does this while I'm present and I could just cringe. Ashley is the one who said first that she would not date other guys now that we are where we are in our shared experience. I reciprocated, of course, and gladly! Ashley has placed a self-imposed restriction against seeing other people, but says that I'm not her boyfriend. Now, I know its just a few weeks into this thing, and I know the initial spark of attraction came on very suddenly. Remember, I'm the one thinking that spark could be doused at any time.
I don't need labels. I don't need Ashley to call me her boyfriend, at this point, anymore than I need her to call me her gardener. What I would like, though, is to know where I stand. Does she see me as potential boyfriend material, or have I been relegated to her "friend zone"? Again, I don't need her to go around saying I am her boyfriend, but I do need her to not go around saying I'm not. If she is not comfortable with those labels, that's understandable; but, I'd prefer that she just didn't say anything, so that we could figure it out between ourselves. Also, we predominantly communicate via text message. I know its the new way, but I'm an old fashioned guy. I want to hear the lyricality of her voice. I want to listen to her breathe. I want to be with her, not in the physical sense, but just in the sense of in-the-moment being.
I feel intensely, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I have made it abundantly clear to Ashley that she passes every test that I would ever need anyone to pass in order for me to know that she is someone worthy of my investment of emotion. I am neither nuanced nor coy, and I do not couch feelings well, especially not these feelings. When I first started seeing Vickie, we discovered quickly that I had become disconnected from my emotions and had lived that way for nearly thirty years. I isolated myself within the confines of strong barrier walls against feeling. I compartmentalized each area of my life rigidly, so that family didn't affect friends didn't affect work didn't affect romantic interests didn't affect school, and so on. Then, when I stopped compartmentalizing, I really stopped compartmentalizing. Its like I have been trying to make up for the thirty years of lost time and feelings. Its the best I know how to do - how to be - at this point.
My father had a seizure this morning. He is currently in the hospital and being checked for pneumonia, West Nile virus and a heart problem. Dad was in a bad way this morning. It brought home one of my biggest fears, having to die alone and lonely. Well, I think I have largely won the battle against loneliness; but, given the choice, I'd still rather not die alone. I want to grow old with someone. I don't need for Ashley to specifically be that individual (though that, so far, would be just fine with me), but I do need to date in a way that will bring me to a point that puts me with the specific woman who is that very special person who will walk me up to Heaven and kiss me goodbye at the gate. In short, I cannot be wasting years of my life dating someone who is not that person. Months seems fair, but with a cap of about a year or so to figure it out. So, that's where I am with my approach to dating. I'm not sure if Ashley is in that same ballpark with her approach to dating, or not. I think that kind of intensity and drive might scare off a lot of potentially signigicant others. In order to be true to myself, I have to find the one it does not frighten.
Ben Stein once said: "The indispensible first step to getting the things you want out of life is this: Decide what you want.". Although I'm not ready to attach any name - familiar or unknown - to this goal, this is what I want:
"Grow Old With Me", Mary Chapin Carpenter.
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