Knockin' on Heaven's Door

I have been trying to figure out how to broach the duplicity of being involved with another individual with my penchant for full disclosure of my own feelings here on the blog.  The only thing I can come up with is, Ashley chooses to spend time with me.  The me that she got to know originally was the blogging variety of me, so I don't see why that should change.  In brief, I'm back!

These few weeks since my first date with Ashley have been some of the most exhilarating and also some of the most nerve wracking days I have ever enjoyed.  As time has moved along, there have come instances in my interactions with Ashley that have given me pause for thought.  Many of those thoughts are good and warm and fuzzy and sweetly romantic and make me feel like a kid with a gorgeous high school sweetheart.  Some other feelings cause some degree of concern. 

Ashley is beautiful, and I couldn't consider myself a more lucky guy for having her company and companionship.  The old me wonders when she will quit seeing me through whatever rose colored glasses she's wearing and realize that I'm nobody's bargain.  Ashley is very self-reliant and fiercely independent; I admire those qualities about her.  When she looks for help that is just what she wants - help - not someone to do something for her.  I have been able to help Ashley get some things done, and it felt great!  I am notoriously known to be not a team player, but the two of us working together feels, to me, like the unified and seamless experience of a shortstop and second baseman in a perfectly turned 6-4-3 double play.

Ashley seems to be afraid of labels.  She has gone to great lengths to tell certain individuals (her kids and certain of her coworkers) that I am not her boyfriend.  She frequently does this while I'm present and I could just cringe.  Ashley is the one who said first that she would not date other guys now that we are where we are in our shared experience.  I reciprocated, of course, and gladly!  Ashley has placed a self-imposed restriction against seeing other people, but says that I'm not her boyfriend.  Now, I know its just a few weeks into this thing, and I know the initial spark of attraction came on very suddenly.  Remember, I'm the one thinking that spark could be doused at any time.

I don't need labels.  I don't need Ashley to call me her boyfriend, at this point, anymore than I need her to call me her gardener.  What I would like, though, is to know where I stand.  Does she see me as potential boyfriend material, or have I been relegated to her "friend zone"?  Again, I don't need her to go around saying I am her boyfriend, but I do need her to not go around saying I'm not.  If she is not comfortable with those labels, that's understandable; but, I'd prefer that she just didn't say anything, so that we could figure it out between ourselves.  Also, we predominantly communicate via text message.  I know its the new way, but I'm an old fashioned guy.  I want to hear the lyricality of her voice.  I want to listen to her breathe.  I want to be with her, not in the physical sense, but just in the sense of in-the-moment being.

I feel intensely, and I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I have made it abundantly clear to Ashley that she passes every test that I would ever need anyone to pass in order for me to know that she is someone worthy of my investment of emotion.  I am neither nuanced nor coy, and I do not couch feelings well, especially not these feelings.  When I first started seeing Vickie, we discovered quickly that I had become disconnected from my emotions and had lived that way for nearly thirty years.  I isolated myself within the confines of strong barrier walls against feeling.  I compartmentalized each area of my life rigidly, so that family didn't affect friends didn't affect work didn't affect romantic interests didn't affect school, and so on.  Then, when I stopped compartmentalizing, I really stopped compartmentalizing.  Its like I have been trying to make up for the thirty years of lost time and feelings.  Its the best I know how to do - how to be - at this point.

My father had a seizure this morning.  He is currently in the hospital and being checked for pneumonia, West Nile virus and a heart problem.  Dad was in a bad way this morning.  It brought home one of my biggest fears, having to die alone and lonely.  Well, I think I have largely won the battle against loneliness; but, given the choice, I'd still rather not die alone.  I want to grow old with someone.  I don't need for Ashley to specifically be that individual (though that, so far, would be just fine with me), but I do need to date in a way that will bring me to a point that puts me with the specific woman who is that very special person who will walk me up to Heaven and kiss me goodbye at the gate.  In short, I cannot be wasting years of my life dating someone who is not that person.  Months seems fair, but with a cap of about a  year or so to figure it out.  So, that's where I am with my approach to dating.  I'm not sure if Ashley is in that same ballpark with her approach to dating, or not.  I think that kind of intensity and drive might scare off a lot of potentially signigicant others.  In order to be true to myself, I have to find the one it does not frighten.

Ben Stein once said:  "The indispensible first step to getting the things you want out of life is this:  Decide what you want.".  Although I'm not ready to attach any name - familiar or unknown - to this goal, this is what I want:

"Grow Old With Me", Mary Chapin Carpenter.