You Have to Kiss a Few Frogs

Well, come to find out, some of the "horrible" things that Erica said about me were that she could never date me because I look like a frog, and there was something about me having no chin - whatever.  With distance from our supposed friendship, it all just seems kind of juvenile.  The words don't bother me, its the fact that she said them that hurts, still, a little.  I have self-image issues, and I mention that on here quite frequently.  I confided that in a more in-depth and meaningful way to her.  She betrayed that confidence.  She bragged to her friends that I told her she was beautiful, and that I really loved her.  Both are true.  I told her she was beautiful, because she seemed to listen to me and have my best interest at heart.  I did love Erica.  But I didn't love Erica because she looked like some Vogue covergirl.  She didn't; it just didn't matter to me.  She seemed to be a good person.  She seemed to care.  She perceived my attention to be confusion that she was more superficially beautiful than she was.  To me, the beauty was in what I perceived as her lack of superficiality.  Erica thought my attention and admiration and love was an endorsement of her looks, when it was an endorsement of her.  Sadly, my confidence, love, and trust were grossly misplaced.  I wish nothing bad for Erica, but I can't say I'm hoping for much glorious luck and splendor to visit her either.  Its been about four months since we've been estranged as friends.  It was clear to me after a month that whatever it was that we had was over.  I have grieved the loss of the woman I perceived Erica to be and moved past it, and I am happy to be rid of the girl she actually proved to be.  We had some fun.  Hard knocks: 1; Hoffman: 0.

As I have put distance in time and emotional investment between myself and Erica and her minions, I've gone through several phases of processing the loss.  I was stuck.  I couldn't move or think or feel anything other than hurt.  Then, I started to build up momentum.  I had the gas, but lacked the direction.  I ended up spinning in circles for quite a while.  I damaged many good friendships.  I ran more than a few people out of my life who had never been anything but good to me.  Only a few have stuck by me.  Some consciously, and some just by always being there without question or specific knowledge of what was going on.  They just stayed.  I would be remiss if I did not single out and extole the inexhaustable friendship of my best friend of nearly 30 years (some of those years more nearly than others), Steve Jenkins.  He stuck by me when I tried to shut out everyone around me.  When I tried to actively push him away, he yanked me by the arm and pulled me in closer, as if to say, "Kid!  What the hell are you doing?!".  The whole Jenkins family have really been a blessing to me, and being welcomed to the table at their family reunion made me feel the same way the returned Prodigal Son from Jesus' parable must have felt at his celebrated return home.  I consider all of the Jenkins men to be brothers from another mother.  In that moment, and in the company of those wonderful brothers, I found the strength to channel the already realized momentum of my reclaimed individual identity.  Now, I had traction.

The final piece of the puzzle for this journey back to standing firmly on my own two feet was to find direction and purpose.  My dear and wonderful, amazing therapist, Kerry Richie, gave me a friend's lovingly swift kick in the ass that can only come from someone who truly does have your best interest at heart.  I am following her lead.  I am connecting more deeply with friends like Jack Radcliffe, Chris Heard, Phil Laubner, Jeff Rollinger, Doug Rhone, Pastor David Franklin, Jennifer Packard, and Colleen Lyons Dunnigan who seem to be worthy of the investment of my trust and confidence.  Knowing, too, that I enjoy the support and encouragement of the very special individual for whom this vehicle of thought and feeling is named, Vickie Diamond, is a continual source of strength and reassurance. 

The best of who I am is because of who I am, (toad)warts and all.  The reason I am able to continue to be that man is because of all of you - even Erica.  Love to all!

 "Brothers In Arms", Dire Straits.