People bring me problems and I solve them. They bring me crises and I manage them. They bring me broken plans and broken hearts and broken dreams and I fix them. I believe they are grateful; but, only a scant few concern themselves with who (if anyone at all) has my back. More often than not, there are a few that do. They are far fewer than those who bring me their issues to address. Emotionally, that has caused me to run up a deficit faster than Congress at a campaign clearance sale. I had to throw on the brakes.
Those who do not reciprocate...gone! Those who feign mutual dependability...put on a leash. New arrivals with more troubles to manage...stiff-armed and rebuffed. I would love to give way the best of who I am freely to everyone I ever meet. I tried doing that actively for nearly two years. I got used. I got hurt. I lost literally thousands of dollars in being that person. Some have claimed they "intend to pay me back"; I have faith in only one of them. I wish their intention for repayment were as obviously sincere as their intention to "borrow" the money in the first place. Lesson learned, and most of these people are no longer friends. Word to the wise.
Then there are the women. I don't know what it is with so many women these days, but they want to be wined and dined and complimented simply on the premise that they think they are so incredibly extraordinary. Guess what, ladies. A pretty face and a nice presentation gets you in the door. If you want to stay there and have a decent guy who treats you well, try meeting them half way. Try earning it! It seems far too common among women I've dated from 25-50 that they want to be taken around and put on a pedestal and to have me (and other guys, except for the d-bags, of course) simply content to bask in the glow of their presence whenever they are in the mood to be adored. You want to be treated like a princess? Start acting with the grace and class of one; it might further your cause. Until then, cut your own damn grass or hire a kid to do it for you. Either way, until you show up to cut my lawn, I really don't care to hear your bitching about how nobody cuts yours for you or changes your oil. Oh, you want my help with that? One, try asking; two, its called Hillside Lawn Service and Jones for Life. I have both numbers if you'd like either one.
I have learned that trying to get away from your problems is pretty much a fruitless endeavor. I took a trip to Puerto Rico to try to escape my thoughts and fears and worries. What I came to realize is that wherever you go, there you are. You can't get away from your own self. I am trying to incorporate the practice of mindfulness into my daily living. When you have trained yourself to be a default worrier, this is difficult. I have found a certain aura of peace when I drive around in the car listening to my iPod. In those moments I have found a route to escape worry. I have found a satisfaction and reassurance in who I am and the choices I make. I have found the courage to stand alone in my own dignity, rather than to compromise my self-worth for anyone else's external validation. This change has been a tough learning curve for me. In a way, I feel like a total dick for having had to set boundaries. I think, when it comes to interpersonal relationships of any variety, but especially romantic ones, I want a mutual effort. I have severed connections with several people who wanted to be friends as long as I was picking up the tab. I have forged deeper connections with those I pulled away from, but who stayed to see me through my rough times, anyway.
I am not looking to adore anyone or to put them on a pedestal, and I would certainly never expect anyone to defer to me in those ways. I've tried "loving enough for the both of us". It doesn't work. I'm as good a man as you will find, but I am done doing other people's bidding for them. If you want to be my friend or my confidant or my lover, or important to me in any other meaningful way, then show me that I am important to you. Meet me fairly close to half way, and there is nothing we cannot achieve and nowhere we cannot go together. Until then, my iPod, my Hyundai, and I all respect the hell outta me, and I am content, in this moment, with that respect.
"Vehicle", Ides of March.
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