Kerry the therapist said I need to take a break from trying to meet somebody. She said I need to just go out and have fun and enjoy companionability for its own sake, rather than with an inherently attached agenda. Fair enough. She also recommended a local meditation group, but that might be an adventure for a future posting. Me gettin' all metaphysical...odd.
Tonight I went out to find some enjoyable company and just enjoy being around people. It was dead at Sean Bolan's in Bel Air, so I went to Looney's where it was a bit more lively, and where I had a delicious spinach salad, btw. Not much was really doin' there, and the karaoke was God awful. Just then, a mutual friend dropped the dime on the location of two other friends who were out-and-about. I went and found them, and they both were at different stages of inebriation. The more sly of the two decided they wanted to be elsewhere. Given that I wasn't drinking, I became - quite voluntarily, to be fair - the designated driver. We went back to Looney's. One of my cohorts forgot identification, so we ended up at Main Street Tower.
Drinkin' Buddy #2 planned for a "friend" to meet us there. Drinkin' Buddy #2, it seems, wanted to upscale the venue from where I met them, and so that is how we ended up back in Bel Air at a more respectable bar, if such thing exists. So, Drinkin' Buddy #2 was caught up talking with the "friend", while Drinkin' Buddy #1 was busy chatting with a coworker whom I happened to find ordering a shot at the bar at the same time I was ordering my diet Coke. Drinkin' Buddy #1's coworker was quite attractive, and we shared a nice little conversation. Now, mind you, this gal was barely 21, and I was gonna get nowhere with her (nor did I want to), but she was absolutely gorgeous. And, she took to chatting me up! The confidence is now fully in place when I go out socially, but I am still surprised every time I am well-received by decent, attractive women, be they very young or closer to my age bracket, which is...less young.
Anyway, Drinkin' Buddy #2 kept the conversation going with the "friend". Closing time rolled around, and Drinkin' Buddy #2 proposed a continuation of festivities at the Waffle House to be followed by more drinks and merriment at Casa de Drinkin' Buddy Dos. Drinkin' Buddy #2 was overruled by the remaining three of us, to wit: Drinkin' Buddy #1, the "friend", and myself. So, Drinkin' Buddy #2 invited everyone back to the house. Drinkin' Buddy #2 rode with the "friend" back to the house. Upon arrival and entrance, Drinkin' Buddy #2 immediately feigned exhaustion, which was more or less a cue for me and Drinkin' Buddy #1 to take our leave, and in the process leave Drinkin' Buddy #2 and the "friend" (who, by the way, is not the significant other of Drinkin' Buddy #2) to each other's enjoyment.
After we left, Drinkin' Buddy #1 and I ended up at the aforementioned Waffle House. Drinkin' Buddy #1 was pissed at Drinkin' Buddy #2, but we managed to have an enjoyable rest of the evening. Then, I made my way home, getting in at a definitely non-respectable 4:30 a.m., after having been decidedly and expertly played - along with Drinkin' Buddy #1 - by Drinkin' Buddy #2.
Kerry says I should not try to meet women in bars. Taking a cue from the example of Drinkin' Buddy #2 and "friend", I can appreciate that as good advice. Except, Looney's has this bartender named Alison...
"Drive", The Cars.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
Lookin' Good!
According to my dear friend Jen Schaffer, my recent 25 pound weight loss has made me look "really good". She also said if I could drop another 40 pounds I'd be "fightin' 'em off". To quote Tweety Bird, "She don't know me very well, do she?"!
I am coming to a point where I have to either fish or cut bait. I need to get my internal and external self right or be content to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines watching life happen to me. I'm not content with that. I want to call the shots!
So, in a few hours, it will be up with the dawn to walk the circuit around my neighborhood, including two rather impressive hills! My goal now is to bust that 40 while I'm still 40...that gives me til' September 28. Get some!
"Strut", Sheena Easton.
I am coming to a point where I have to either fish or cut bait. I need to get my internal and external self right or be content to spend the rest of my life on the sidelines watching life happen to me. I'm not content with that. I want to call the shots!
So, in a few hours, it will be up with the dawn to walk the circuit around my neighborhood, including two rather impressive hills! My goal now is to bust that 40 while I'm still 40...that gives me til' September 28. Get some!
"Strut", Sheena Easton.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
I Hate Myself
I have sought to find a girlfriend. I have sought to find some female company just to casually see if a woman could be that girlfriend. I have failed.
I take no solace in having made the attempt. Results matter. I was not successful. That makes me a failure. The most recent woman I dated put attempting and trying to do any given thing into very clear perspective. She quoted Yoda from the Star Wars movies: "Do or do not; there is no try.". If you haven't succeeded, you've failed. It is not the process, but the end result that matters.
Rejection and/or failure to find a woman who is interested in me gives rise to those old demons of self-hatred. Women do not like me as a boyfriend. My goal is to find a girlfriend. Women find the prospect of dating/loving me to be unacceptable. I have failed to attain my goal. I hate myself because I cannot be loved.
"I'd Avoid Me Too", Dwight Yoakam.
I take no solace in having made the attempt. Results matter. I was not successful. That makes me a failure. The most recent woman I dated put attempting and trying to do any given thing into very clear perspective. She quoted Yoda from the Star Wars movies: "Do or do not; there is no try.". If you haven't succeeded, you've failed. It is not the process, but the end result that matters.
Rejection and/or failure to find a woman who is interested in me gives rise to those old demons of self-hatred. Women do not like me as a boyfriend. My goal is to find a girlfriend. Women find the prospect of dating/loving me to be unacceptable. I have failed to attain my goal. I hate myself because I cannot be loved.
"I'd Avoid Me Too", Dwight Yoakam.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Fuck!
All I want is a date to go see a God-damned outdoor movie in Little Italy, but there is nobody! For the most part, there has never been anybody. It feels like there never will be anybody.
This loneliness is killing me!
"Unwell", Matchbox 20.
This loneliness is killing me!
"Unwell", Matchbox 20.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Family Days
Sunday was Father's Day.
First of all, these days are not holidays, because there is nothing holy about them save for saying, "Holy shit, it's another one of them damned days again!". These days really only benefit the card and gift companies. Let's face it, if you have to set aside a mere 0.36525% of your time to be nice to your mother or father or valentine or administrative professional, you really need to work on that relationship. These days, as popularly practiced, are not rooted in any kind of spiritual observance. It's just a money making scheme, and a way to dispensate the profligate tyranny of the mortgage, spouse, 2.3 kids, dog, SUV and picket fence, nuclear family model that society seeks to impose as "normal". I'm not buying it.
I am not a father 'cause I know I do not want children of my own. Where is my celebration? Conversely, how many men that have zero business creating their own offspring get lauded with "#1 Dad" coffee mugs or new neckties or special dinners or other such celebrations? Honestly, how many of these male persons who get celebrated do you think would not rather be fishing or golfing or shooting dice, instead of playing the family role on Father's Day? Still, they are looked at as the heroes, and we single guys who have responsibly taken efforts and great care to remain childless are comparitive zeroes. We are pitied and thought of as having something missing from our lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. We know what we want and what we don't and we are disciplined enough to live within those parameters of conduct and consequence.
I don't need a set-aside, scheduled celebration. I want to be appreciated for me...for who I am as an individual...for the choices I make and don't make...everyday. I want to find a special woman, a lover, a friend and life-partner. I want to share my intellignetly selected choices with a gal who makes her own intelligently selected choices that are, at the very least, loosely compatible with mine - maybe not necessarily on the same page, but, at least, in the same library. I want a woman who can enjoy the value and romance of a 25 year old chick flick shown outdoors in the haze, heat and humidity of a Downtown Baltimore summer night just because it's a different way of doing something familiar.
Society doesn't see it that way, though. Society sees us singles as incomplete people in need of prayer or fixing. Society tells women that a person like me who does not move on from breaking one heart to destroying the spirit of the next lacks life experience and doesn't fully understand what it is to be a man. Well, if that is society's definition of a man, then maybe it is society and their social mores that I do not understand.
I know what it is to be a gentleman. I know what it is to show equal care and concern for the woman I want in my life, and for the children I don't. Maybe - just maybe - it's not me, but society who does not understand.
"Father Figure", George Michael.
First of all, these days are not holidays, because there is nothing holy about them save for saying, "Holy shit, it's another one of them damned days again!". These days really only benefit the card and gift companies. Let's face it, if you have to set aside a mere 0.36525% of your time to be nice to your mother or father or valentine or administrative professional, you really need to work on that relationship. These days, as popularly practiced, are not rooted in any kind of spiritual observance. It's just a money making scheme, and a way to dispensate the profligate tyranny of the mortgage, spouse, 2.3 kids, dog, SUV and picket fence, nuclear family model that society seeks to impose as "normal". I'm not buying it.
I am not a father 'cause I know I do not want children of my own. Where is my celebration? Conversely, how many men that have zero business creating their own offspring get lauded with "#1 Dad" coffee mugs or new neckties or special dinners or other such celebrations? Honestly, how many of these male persons who get celebrated do you think would not rather be fishing or golfing or shooting dice, instead of playing the family role on Father's Day? Still, they are looked at as the heroes, and we single guys who have responsibly taken efforts and great care to remain childless are comparitive zeroes. We are pitied and thought of as having something missing from our lives. Nothing could be further from the truth. We know what we want and what we don't and we are disciplined enough to live within those parameters of conduct and consequence.
I don't need a set-aside, scheduled celebration. I want to be appreciated for me...for who I am as an individual...for the choices I make and don't make...everyday. I want to find a special woman, a lover, a friend and life-partner. I want to share my intellignetly selected choices with a gal who makes her own intelligently selected choices that are, at the very least, loosely compatible with mine - maybe not necessarily on the same page, but, at least, in the same library. I want a woman who can enjoy the value and romance of a 25 year old chick flick shown outdoors in the haze, heat and humidity of a Downtown Baltimore summer night just because it's a different way of doing something familiar.
Society doesn't see it that way, though. Society sees us singles as incomplete people in need of prayer or fixing. Society tells women that a person like me who does not move on from breaking one heart to destroying the spirit of the next lacks life experience and doesn't fully understand what it is to be a man. Well, if that is society's definition of a man, then maybe it is society and their social mores that I do not understand.
I know what it is to be a gentleman. I know what it is to show equal care and concern for the woman I want in my life, and for the children I don't. Maybe - just maybe - it's not me, but society who does not understand.
"Father Figure", George Michael.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Uppin' the Ante
Since about the middle of May, my life and feelings and emotions have been marked by a sense of introspective rumination...of friends from the past, good times I had, days gone by, and some opportunities missed.
This morning I woke up to the sound of my father screaming at my mother and mom crying over money or lawyers or who gets to make what decision, or some such nonsense. Ah, the good 'ol days! While my immediate reaction, due to my history with my father, will always be to go knock the sonofabitch on his ass, I calmed my own feelings, listened for round two, and let them have their spat. It's not my fight. This is the kind of behavior Dad chose to poison my childhood and young adulthood with, and it's the environment my mother chose during my childhood for me to have to endure and have to make sense of on my own from a very early age. I've since forgiven them both for how they allowed me and my sister to grow up in such a toxic and vitriolic environment. Forgiveness does not equal endorsement or acceptance.
I am feeling increasingly more comfortable in my own skin. There are still issues I have to deal with, but I am comfortable with who I am. I have found this comfort by the grace of God, and through exposure to an increasing number of personality types due to the continuing expansion of my social circle, thanks in large part to my dear friend Erica Bragg.
I am still lonely! I'd still do just about anything to find that special woman, lover and partner in my life; I'd do just about anything just to get the loneliness to stop. After leaving the hospital nearly three weeks ago, part of me was pissed that I didn't just die when I had my black-out episode. The loneliness would have been over, and I wouldn't feel that constant vacuous ache that goes with it. But, I didn't die so there must be some purpose for me still to be here.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad to have more time to share with my friends and family, and I appreciate the value of that time more now than ever before, but my goal is to find a partner for my life going forward. I have sorted out and put away the baggage from my past. I can see past problems and people in their proper context. What I can't see is why I continually have to live my life alone in regard to love and romance. It's frustrating and I am impatient.
I am putting myself out there to make myself a more visible presence. I go out frequently with friends and also on my own. I am trying - in my own way - to drop some weight. I am entertaining items from pop culture that my peers find interesting, at least to the point that I fail to find said items interesting, but always enough to discuss those items with some degree of familiarity and command. I am polishing my gentlemanly ways. I have even had personal calling cards printed up to use as a bridge from introductory small talk to deeper, continued conversation. Among my circle of close friends, these are referred to as "booty calling cards". Let's face it, I'm not out there recruiting women to come to church; I am unabashedly looking for a lover.
I have surprised myself with my own research to find that my lack of being able to find that special person is as much a part of how I see women, as is how women see me. Case in point...my cards arrived last Thursday; so, I was gonna go out to Bolan's and put them to the test. In the several hours I was there enjoying the open mic entertainment on-hand, I did not run across one single woman I had a notion to give my card to, or to continue any kind of conversation beyond some pleasant bar small talk. Mind you, I met several lovely women there. All were nice in their own right, but there was no "spark" with any of them. That's when it dawned on me...maybe I'm not unpopular with the ladies; maybe, I'm just a way-too-picky prick! It kinda helped to clarify the muddy waters of my romantic pursuits, because now I see this process not so much through the prism of "what's wrong with me?", as much as through the prism of "will I ever find a suitable match?". Even I know it's gonna take a (by all accounts) eccentric woman to love/enjoy/humor/tolerate me, but I think the same goes for most folks.
My friend Jennifer Schaffer says I might have a surprise coming my way. It would be wonderful if it were to be an introduction to a decent woman. If not, I'll hope that some success rests in the cards...especially the "booty calling cards". I had 250 printed; I need only one to work!
"Still the Same", Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band.
This morning I woke up to the sound of my father screaming at my mother and mom crying over money or lawyers or who gets to make what decision, or some such nonsense. Ah, the good 'ol days! While my immediate reaction, due to my history with my father, will always be to go knock the sonofabitch on his ass, I calmed my own feelings, listened for round two, and let them have their spat. It's not my fight. This is the kind of behavior Dad chose to poison my childhood and young adulthood with, and it's the environment my mother chose during my childhood for me to have to endure and have to make sense of on my own from a very early age. I've since forgiven them both for how they allowed me and my sister to grow up in such a toxic and vitriolic environment. Forgiveness does not equal endorsement or acceptance.
I am feeling increasingly more comfortable in my own skin. There are still issues I have to deal with, but I am comfortable with who I am. I have found this comfort by the grace of God, and through exposure to an increasing number of personality types due to the continuing expansion of my social circle, thanks in large part to my dear friend Erica Bragg.
I am still lonely! I'd still do just about anything to find that special woman, lover and partner in my life; I'd do just about anything just to get the loneliness to stop. After leaving the hospital nearly three weeks ago, part of me was pissed that I didn't just die when I had my black-out episode. The loneliness would have been over, and I wouldn't feel that constant vacuous ache that goes with it. But, I didn't die so there must be some purpose for me still to be here.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad to have more time to share with my friends and family, and I appreciate the value of that time more now than ever before, but my goal is to find a partner for my life going forward. I have sorted out and put away the baggage from my past. I can see past problems and people in their proper context. What I can't see is why I continually have to live my life alone in regard to love and romance. It's frustrating and I am impatient.
I am putting myself out there to make myself a more visible presence. I go out frequently with friends and also on my own. I am trying - in my own way - to drop some weight. I am entertaining items from pop culture that my peers find interesting, at least to the point that I fail to find said items interesting, but always enough to discuss those items with some degree of familiarity and command. I am polishing my gentlemanly ways. I have even had personal calling cards printed up to use as a bridge from introductory small talk to deeper, continued conversation. Among my circle of close friends, these are referred to as "booty calling cards". Let's face it, I'm not out there recruiting women to come to church; I am unabashedly looking for a lover.
I have surprised myself with my own research to find that my lack of being able to find that special person is as much a part of how I see women, as is how women see me. Case in point...my cards arrived last Thursday; so, I was gonna go out to Bolan's and put them to the test. In the several hours I was there enjoying the open mic entertainment on-hand, I did not run across one single woman I had a notion to give my card to, or to continue any kind of conversation beyond some pleasant bar small talk. Mind you, I met several lovely women there. All were nice in their own right, but there was no "spark" with any of them. That's when it dawned on me...maybe I'm not unpopular with the ladies; maybe, I'm just a way-too-picky prick! It kinda helped to clarify the muddy waters of my romantic pursuits, because now I see this process not so much through the prism of "what's wrong with me?", as much as through the prism of "will I ever find a suitable match?". Even I know it's gonna take a (by all accounts) eccentric woman to love/enjoy/humor/tolerate me, but I think the same goes for most folks.
My friend Jennifer Schaffer says I might have a surprise coming my way. It would be wonderful if it were to be an introduction to a decent woman. If not, I'll hope that some success rests in the cards...especially the "booty calling cards". I had 250 printed; I need only one to work!
"Still the Same", Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Wanted: Partner and Soulmate
My biggest fear is dying old and alone. Well, that almost happened last week, save for the old part. I have felt a gnawing anger in my soul ever since, not toward anyone who was there for me, but about the idea of the as-yet anonymous one who was not.
In the interest of full disclosure, I had many wonderful friends check in on me. One even came to visit me in the hospital. More might have, except that I was expecting to be released as word got around that I had been admitted. Of course, Mom, Dad, and my sister and her family were there. But, it was the first time as an adult that I was unable to just easily get up and leave from where I was. I had to wait for someone to come get me, or else, go to the efforts of arranging a ride for myself, somehow. Everyone who knew what happened could not have stepped up more or better in their role of friend or family member, but I felt like it was not without my encumbrance on their time and efforts. They didn't make me feel that way, that is just how I felt.
There was not that go-to person, that individual whom one might reasonably expect to be there. What I'm looking for is that person. A woman with whom to share an interdependence of reliance and concern for the happiness, health and well-being of the other person.
That person is what I feel is missing from my life to be able to make me the happiest, best, most fulfilled man I can possibly be. I am doing the things people tell me I need to do to put myself in the best state of grace to find such woman; but, it seems like the more I try, the more elusive and conceptual she becomes. Another friend suggested that relationships work in an ironic fashion, in that, just the time you decide you don't need one is when a relationship will avail itself to you. Having never enjoyed a good, healthy relationship, I cannot say whether I think that's true or not.
Since being released from the hospital eight days ago, I've heard from a scant, few friends. These people have lives, and it is understandable. I cannot be a major component of their existence, because I'm just not in that dynamic with any of them. However, I know I can interdependently share that role with the right woman, who would be a lover, a best friend, a confidant and a reasonably assumed picker-up of the sick from the hospital, and I would also be all those things for her, and so much more.
"Someone To Watch Over Me", Amy Winehouse.
In the interest of full disclosure, I had many wonderful friends check in on me. One even came to visit me in the hospital. More might have, except that I was expecting to be released as word got around that I had been admitted. Of course, Mom, Dad, and my sister and her family were there. But, it was the first time as an adult that I was unable to just easily get up and leave from where I was. I had to wait for someone to come get me, or else, go to the efforts of arranging a ride for myself, somehow. Everyone who knew what happened could not have stepped up more or better in their role of friend or family member, but I felt like it was not without my encumbrance on their time and efforts. They didn't make me feel that way, that is just how I felt.
There was not that go-to person, that individual whom one might reasonably expect to be there. What I'm looking for is that person. A woman with whom to share an interdependence of reliance and concern for the happiness, health and well-being of the other person.
That person is what I feel is missing from my life to be able to make me the happiest, best, most fulfilled man I can possibly be. I am doing the things people tell me I need to do to put myself in the best state of grace to find such woman; but, it seems like the more I try, the more elusive and conceptual she becomes. Another friend suggested that relationships work in an ironic fashion, in that, just the time you decide you don't need one is when a relationship will avail itself to you. Having never enjoyed a good, healthy relationship, I cannot say whether I think that's true or not.
Since being released from the hospital eight days ago, I've heard from a scant, few friends. These people have lives, and it is understandable. I cannot be a major component of their existence, because I'm just not in that dynamic with any of them. However, I know I can interdependently share that role with the right woman, who would be a lover, a best friend, a confidant and a reasonably assumed picker-up of the sick from the hospital, and I would also be all those things for her, and so much more.
"Someone To Watch Over Me", Amy Winehouse.
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