Wanted: Partner and Soulmate

My biggest fear is dying old and alone.  Well, that almost happened last week, save for the old part.  I have felt a gnawing anger in my soul ever since, not toward anyone who was there for me, but about the idea of the as-yet anonymous one who was not.

In the interest of full disclosure, I had many wonderful friends check in on me.  One even came to visit me in the hospital.  More might have, except that I was expecting to be released as word got around that I had been admitted.  Of course, Mom, Dad, and my sister and her family were there.  But, it was the first time as an adult that I was unable to just easily get up and leave from where I was.  I had to wait for someone to come get me, or else, go to the efforts of arranging a ride for myself, somehow.  Everyone who knew what happened could not have stepped up more or better in their role of friend or family member, but I felt like it was not without my encumbrance on their time and efforts.  They didn't make me feel that way, that is just how I felt.

There was not that go-to person, that individual whom one might reasonably expect to be there.  What I'm looking for is that person.  A woman with whom to share an interdependence of reliance and concern for the happiness, health and well-being of the other person.

That person is what I feel is missing from my life to be able to make me the happiest, best, most fulfilled man I can possibly be.  I am doing the things people tell me I need to do to put myself in the best state of grace to find such woman; but, it seems like the more I try, the more elusive and conceptual she becomes.  Another friend suggested that relationships work in an ironic fashion, in that, just the time you decide you don't need one is when a relationship will avail itself to you.  Having never enjoyed a good, healthy relationship, I cannot say whether I think that's true or not.

Since being released from the hospital eight days ago, I've heard from a scant, few friends.  These people have lives, and it is understandable.  I cannot be a major component of their existence, because I'm just not in that dynamic with any of them.  However, I know I can interdependently share that role with the right woman, who would be a lover, a best friend, a confidant and a reasonably assumed picker-up of the sick from the hospital, and I would also be all those things for her, and so much more.

"Someone To Watch Over Me", Amy Winehouse.