Since about the middle of May, my life and feelings and emotions have been marked by a sense of introspective rumination...of friends from the past, good times I had, days gone by, and some opportunities missed.
This morning I woke up to the sound of my father screaming at my mother and mom crying over money or lawyers or who gets to make what decision, or some such nonsense. Ah, the good 'ol days! While my immediate reaction, due to my history with my father, will always be to go knock the sonofabitch on his ass, I calmed my own feelings, listened for round two, and let them have their spat. It's not my fight. This is the kind of behavior Dad chose to poison my childhood and young adulthood with, and it's the environment my mother chose during my childhood for me to have to endure and have to make sense of on my own from a very early age. I've since forgiven them both for how they allowed me and my sister to grow up in such a toxic and vitriolic environment. Forgiveness does not equal endorsement or acceptance.
I am feeling increasingly more comfortable in my own skin. There are still issues I have to deal with, but I am comfortable with who I am. I have found this comfort by the grace of God, and through exposure to an increasing number of personality types due to the continuing expansion of my social circle, thanks in large part to my dear friend Erica Bragg.
I am still lonely! I'd still do just about anything to find that special woman, lover and partner in my life; I'd do just about anything just to get the loneliness to stop. After leaving the hospital nearly three weeks ago, part of me was pissed that I didn't just die when I had my black-out episode. The loneliness would have been over, and I wouldn't feel that constant vacuous ache that goes with it. But, I didn't die so there must be some purpose for me still to be here.
Don't get me wrong, I am glad to have more time to share with my friends and family, and I appreciate the value of that time more now than ever before, but my goal is to find a partner for my life going forward. I have sorted out and put away the baggage from my past. I can see past problems and people in their proper context. What I can't see is why I continually have to live my life alone in regard to love and romance. It's frustrating and I am impatient.
I am putting myself out there to make myself a more visible presence. I go out frequently with friends and also on my own. I am trying - in my own way - to drop some weight. I am entertaining items from pop culture that my peers find interesting, at least to the point that I fail to find said items interesting, but always enough to discuss those items with some degree of familiarity and command. I am polishing my gentlemanly ways. I have even had personal calling cards printed up to use as a bridge from introductory small talk to deeper, continued conversation. Among my circle of close friends, these are referred to as "booty calling cards". Let's face it, I'm not out there recruiting women to come to church; I am unabashedly looking for a lover.
I have surprised myself with my own research to find that my lack of being able to find that special person is as much a part of how I see women, as is how women see me. Case in point...my cards arrived last Thursday; so, I was gonna go out to Bolan's and put them to the test. In the several hours I was there enjoying the open mic entertainment on-hand, I did not run across one single woman I had a notion to give my card to, or to continue any kind of conversation beyond some pleasant bar small talk. Mind you, I met several lovely women there. All were nice in their own right, but there was no "spark" with any of them. That's when it dawned on me...maybe I'm not unpopular with the ladies; maybe, I'm just a way-too-picky prick! It kinda helped to clarify the muddy waters of my romantic pursuits, because now I see this process not so much through the prism of "what's wrong with me?", as much as through the prism of "will I ever find a suitable match?". Even I know it's gonna take a (by all accounts) eccentric woman to love/enjoy/humor/tolerate me, but I think the same goes for most folks.
My friend Jennifer Schaffer says I might have a surprise coming my way. It would be wonderful if it were to be an introduction to a decent woman. If not, I'll hope that some success rests in the cards...especially the "booty calling cards". I had 250 printed; I need only one to work!
"Still the Same", Bob Seger & the Silver Bullet Band.
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