I went out for coffee and a bite after work. I usually stop by the diner on Saturday to hang out and talk with Erica 'til closing time. It has become a Saturday night ritual, of sorts.
There were a bunch of young high school kids at the diner, say 9th-11th grade, all dressed up in their fineries, having obviously just come from their homecoming dance. They were having a blast! I wondered to myself what they must be thinking about their present moment and their future on this particular evening. I was also wondering why young boys ever think bold, brightly colored shirts look good with a suit, but I digress. I tried to turn the clock back a quarter century and put myself in their shoes. I wanted to reconnect with my thoughts and feelings from that time in my life. I looked at the crowd of young people, but could not identify with any individual among them. At first, I was puzzled by my lack of being able to identify with the kids in their mid-teens. I mean, I was in my mid-teens once; there's no route to becoming 41 years old, other than to have been there. I contemplated my place (in a different time) among them, and then it hit me. I identified most strongly with the kid who wasn't there. I knew there must be at least one kid who was in that same spot, somewhere else alone and wanting to feel included but didn't, and I felt sad.
I feel like I've spent alot of my life "not there". I feel like I've never really fit in almost anywhere I tried to go. Those few who have accepted me are those onto whom I've imposed need . There are not many people who just want to be in my company. Although I get out frequently, it is because I work myself into situations where I don't particularly belong. I can get over on people for awhile; but, eventually, most of my friends and all of my social circles fall away. Then there are the romantic interests who seem to ferret out my lack of acceptablilty in short order. There are a few, very special individuals who truly care about me - Erica and Jack and the Jenkins clan come easily to mind - but, I don't think there are many people who like me or consider my company particularly enjoyable as any matter of regular course.
There are the dating situations and attempts at dating situations. In the last month, I have had two women - Ashley and Susan - decide that it is better to be without someone than to have to spend any of their romantic/dating/social capital on me. Not having a date, it seems, is a better choice than being stuck with me. Its not that I'm going about things the same way, then expecting a different result. That, as we all know, is the very definition of insanity. I am trying to present my best self (I've lost 50 pounds; I've polished my look) to be available for dating, and women are still taking a pass universally, it seems. That makes me wonder what bad trait it is that I have, or which good one I lack, that sends up the red flag that screams "LOSER!". I hate myself because of it.
The dynamics of my current social situation seem to be changing, and I have recently reached out in desperation to Erica to make sure she doesn't leave with the rest of the crowd, most of whom seem to be figuring out that it is better to keep their distance from this social pariah. I want very badly to not be a loser, but it seems that it is no easier for me to change that about myself than it would be for a leopard to change his spots. Eventually, everyone takes a pass on me,
Things are what they are, and I am able to accept that on face value. What confuses me is that I try to be a good person. I try to make sure I am everything people say a good dating prospect shold be. I broadcast my availability as good company, and even a good, listening friend. Over the past weekend, I was not able to find one person to spend time with on either Friday or Sunday (which happened to be my "Friday") evenings. Erica was a captive audience on Saturday. I don't lament these issues while I'm out (that's what the blog is for), and I'm definitely not a "Debbie Downer" in social situations. I can negotiate the ebb and flow of general banter as well as anyone else. So, why is it that no one really wants to make time to get to understand me?
I'm confused. I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm at a point where I'm ready to just say, "Fuck it!".
"You Don't Know Me", Ray Charles & Diana Krall.
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