No matter how much logic I try to spin into my current situation, it always comes back to my fairly immediate intention to be part of a romantic relationship. The lines that delineate desire versus need versus want are blurry. I'm not sure it so much matters.
I think part of the disconnect, up 'til this point, has been the way in which I have made myself available for a romantic relationship, and really for all intimate, interpersonal relationships. I give love, and I give it to the exclusion of taking it in return. I don't accept reciprocation. I emotionally spend myself on others, but I never invest in anyone. Without too much finger-pointing or blame-gaming, I think this is because my foundational experiences were not what they should have been.
It is generally presumed that good begets good. That may well be true in some long run, big picture knowledge or understanding; but, it doesn't always seem that way from an individual perspective. I remember being hurt by someone close to me, then trying to fix the situation by responding with love and deference to that person. That person's wrath increased. That person continued to do things and say things that were hurtful. That person nearly destroyed me. So, I had to move onto other persons who responded positively to my expressions of love and deference. More often than not, those people were being hurt by the same person whose meanness I eventually had to manage by way of paying the aggressor only cursory attention. These others who received my investment of love and deference kindly needed to use all the capital that investment brought with it to sooth and heal their own emotional wounds and scars inflicted by the aggressive person. For a very long time, my understanding was that love was to be given with the expectation of nothing in return.
For most of my childhood and adult life, the logical value of unrequited love - in every capacity - made perfect sense. Since partnering up with Vickie in 2007, I have actively tried to fix my own thought patterns, and put my disillusionment with the treatment I have received from others in the past to rest for good. I have made tremendous strides. Through prayer and with God's help, I forgave all past indiscretions unconditionally. The aggressor changed, and embraced the best within themself that they had to offer, and we have since been able to make peace. The aggressor from my past continues to repair other relationships damaged by their past aggression.
In establishing my own identity, my first and foremost goal from a very early age was to be not an aggressor, not mean. On top of that, and later into my adult life, I realized that it felt good to give love freely to those who needed it. I became a crisis manager, a fixer of situations and people broken. I took a great deal of fulfillment and personal validation from that role. I turned it into a career, and ultimately a lifestyle. I never learned how to receive it back, though. I was like a chef at a five star restaurant who lacked the social graces to dine at a table of my own setting; I''m still not sure which fork I'm supposed to use.
There have been people in life who have been so obviously good to me, in retrospect, that I have slowly learned to invest love into our mutual relationships - Jennifer Packard, Steve Jenkins, Debbie Dudley, Craig Johnson and Jack Radcliffe loved and still love me unconditionally. It is upsetting, in a way, that the clarity for acknowledging what they have been doing for so many years has been so long in coming. More recently, because of my work with Vickie and Kerry, I have been able to invest my love into a a few more close, personal friends in such a way that I know I can draw emotional support back from them when I need to. My very dear friend Chelsea Romano has stepped up tremendously and makes a regular effort to try to truly understand me in a way that helps me to better understand myself.
Need is still a slippery slope for me, because I don't know how to necessarily appropriate it in relation to other kinds of feelings. I don't know the boundaries of fairness or propriety where need is concerned. I do have one amazingly special friend who is content to accept my expression of need. When my whole world is topsy-turvy and everything feels like it has been turned upside down in my life - basically, when my world seems to have been totally shattered - Erica Bragg is my rock. She is the one person that is absolutely and unquestionaly able to be relied on as an emotional point-of-reference and know that only good can come from it. At this point, without a romantic partner in my life, I don't know where I'd find an external source of unyielding and constant reassurance that everything will always eventually be okay, were it not for Erica.
My recent experience with Ashley taught me to not try to bring a potential romantic interest too quickly into that circle of trust. I am incredibly blessed to have professional care of Vickie and Kerry. I feel beyond blessed by having Erica and Chelsea there to bring their sensitivity, wisdom and unwavering reliability to my journey of self-awareness. I'm not completely sure what makes them care so much, but they make me feel like I matter. I'm not going to question a good thing.
Still, I imagine that it would be pretty cool to have that other person in my life who is an equal partner in every sense of the word. That person that you instinctively know when to help, and the one who, when they say, "I've got this.", its not to tell you to back off, but just to let you know that this is an individual who has the strength and trust to invest and spend emotional need, too.
Until that person comes along, I'm blessed and content, but still definitely looking...
"When I Need You", Leo Sayer.
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