Kerry (my therapist) worked through some stuff with me on Tuesday that brought me to the root cause of why I feel as badly as I do as often as I do: I don't feel like I matter. Now, there are reasons this is the way I feel, and at least as many reasons why I should probably not feel that way, but Kerry got down to the root cause of my depression. Kerry has been an awesome therapist, especially considering that I was not at all happy to have to find anyone other than Vickie to provide that type of collaborative relationship. I've hit the jackpot twice!
Now, when I say I feel like I don't matter, that is all I men. That is how I feel. I am blessed and grateful to have nice people - both family and friends - in my life. In fact, all glory to God, I am blessed in abundance! But Kerry and I got talking about a situation when I took a modest dinner to a friend. Kerry thought it was a wonderful gesture because it would make the recipient feel like they mattered. That phraseology feel like they mattered immediately and very obviously resonated within me. I knew that was the feeling I had been lacking. Over and above needing a date or a romantic partner, I have never really felt as though I have mattered, simply for the sake that everyone should matter...without condition. My sense of mattering has almost always been attached to some kind of expectation of me. They want me around 'cause I say nice things, or they need me here to manage their crises. I have always believed that in order to matter, I had to provide some function or service. I matter at work 'cause they need a warm body behind the console for eight hours, that kind of thing.
Kerry took our session several minutes over limit and into the next scheduled session, in fact. She dimed me into the writings of a guy named Daniel Siegel. I immediately downloaded his book Mindsight via the Kindle app on my phone. Just the introduction of the book has begun to clue me into ways of the mind working (and ways to rework it) that I had never considered. This all happened because Kerry listened to every word I said. Kerry pointed me in a direction wherein I have already been able to avail myself of greater clarity into my own thoughts and feelings. The basic principle of what I have read so far in Siegel's book is to know and put into practice the difference between BEING any given way and FEELING that way. Just because I feel sad, doesn't mean I am sad. Just because I feel like a loser doesn't mean I am a loser. Siegel seems to advance that BEING and FEELING are two completely different things. Those of you who have followed my blog recently probably can understand how freeing this kind of knowledge is for me. In fact, I told a very dear friend tonight that this may get me to a point where I quit throwing myself under the bus. I said it won't happen overnight, but that I'm already moving to a new corner where the bus doesn't come by as frequently. I need to let up on myself. I've been in self-attack mode for way too long. If a woman doesn't want to date me, or some people don't want me in their social group, its probably just their need for something different, and not something wrong with who I am. I think more people than not will probably like who I am just fine.
I also got another book entitled Party of One: the Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus. This book honors the choices and ways of being for people like me who are more introverted. I am at a bit of a crossroads right now trying to figure out the best course for myself going forward, and the knowledge I am drawing from both of these books, I'm sure, will help tremendously.
I am at a crossroads because I am finding that I am not fulfilled by only going to this bar and that for open mic night. I do kinda miss going to MaGerk's on Tuesday night for trivia, but still, its a bar. While bars are great, they are not my target environment for some of the goals of my social agenda. I need to add more options to my social repertoire. I need to get involved in some kind of activity that challenges me and pushes my boundaries a little bit more.
I am also discovering that some things I believed about myself are not true at all. For instance, I believed I needed to be in a committed romantic relationship. I don't need that, I want that. I need to find a way to realize that I do, in fact, matter, and probably have mattered, unconditionally, to more people than I realized. I think that until I get a good handle on the latter, there is absolutely no sense in trying to incorporate the former. Relationships need to flourish in a psychologically healthy environment; I've seen too many potentially good ones go bad the other way.
I have even gotten my head around the confusion of feeling need for a person whom I thought it was inappropriate to feel that need for. Now, I understand that feeling of need was there because that wonderful, special other person "saw" the healthy me that I couldn't seem to see for myself. That person also would not abide my self destructive categorizations of who I am as a person. Even when my argument for being a loser was "rock solid", this person simply rejected it and walked away. I am happy and proud, and so very blessed and appreciative to be able to need this person in my life, and to count on them to be there for me, even when I'm not there for myself. There are friends, there are lovers, there are confidants. Then, there are some individuals who come along in life who are so entirely special that no label is adequate to capture the meaning and importance of who they are. That person for me is beyond amazing!
With this newfound knowledge about myself and my inner processes, there are bound to be some changes. I will probably start to re-embrace some of my more solitary pursuits, like photography, and not be so caught up in trying to change to be a social butrerfly. Maybe instead of trying to morph into some kind of socially graceful butterfly that I'm not, I can create respect within myself and others for the warm-and-fuzzy caterpillar that I am - one who is less forcedly gregarious and perhaps a bit more casually austere, but who loves people in his own unique way.
"The Heart of the Matter", Don Henley.
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