Its been a rough go. Friendships that I once thought I could not live without have dissolved. I fought it, but I had to let go - or, let it ride - as my lunch companion said on Tuesday. She, of course, was right!
Tuesday felt like the first day in a long time that I have gone out and lived life, instead of letting life happen to me. I had lunch at a lovely tea room in Bel Air, with a gal whose stunning intellect is often - and, quite unfairly - underestimated because she also happens to be very attractive. Those who underestimate this lady do so at their own peril. I'm an exceptionally smart guy, and without being too self-inflated, I often find myself in situations where I might well be the smartest person in the room. That never happens in this friend's presence.
Our conversation had depth and ease in ample supply, and in equal measure. This is how I am supposed to interact - equally, and with a reciprocal sense of respect. My friend is happily married with a family of her own. So, there is not the stress of worrying with winning of affections, or having to impress the girl; and, my friend is going to help me better vet my choices of potential dating partners going forward. That will be fun, and hopefully she can talk some sense into me when I start short-changing my own needs in favor of simply having someone around even if it were to be at my own emotional expense. I know I don't need to do that; I'm going to count on my friend to remind me of that fact!
The place we went was really neat. It is a tea room in Bel Air, decorated in the style of an English country house. The tea was really good. The background music was nice. What I liked best about the place is that the entirety of the atmosphere is such that it encourages polite and engaging discourse. I can see the tea room being useful as a first date/date-ette venue. It was definitely something refreshingly different!
Today, thanks to enough time away from bad company, and thanks to keeping the kind of company that seeks to empower and to encourage, I took my first steps back in a positive direction with forward looking momentum.
I have a plan going forward. I am looking to meet a good woman, and I even have a lady in mind, maybe. But, now, I have greater demands of a potential relationship partner beyond simply being mutually available. I am looking for someone who is at least 35 years old. I am looking for a woman who, like me and my friend, could easily get lost in a three-hour, five-pots-of-tea kinda conversation. I am looking for someone who possesses similar values, so as to avoid being unequally yoked, socially speaking, like it says in the Good Book. And, this gentleman prefers redheads!
It is hard to let bad relationships that once felt good die. But, sometimes you have to gentleman up, take the hit, grieve the loss, but ultimately find a way to move on. I think, for me, lunch with my friend started that journey! Hurt and worry, for me, have obfuscated my ability to realize and enjoy the abundant blessings I am fortunate to enjoy. My happiness should never have been about acceptance from others. Self-acceptance is still a challenge for me, but I'm going to try to walk in those new shoes for awhile. Hopefully, it will eventually prove to be a comfortable fit!
"Four Seasons: Spring", Antonio Vivaldi.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Ch-ch-ch-changes!
Sometimes, I surround myself with the wrong people for the right reasons - a need to increase the scope of my social circle, to broaden my horizons. At first, its great! It feels like what I have been looking for. The unfortunate truth is, these situtations mostly end up having been an opportunistic situation that saw me coming. Popularity has never been my domain. I am, in and of my own general intention, not popular. I have friends who are, but I am - by deliberate choice - not.
I hope for others to see in me qualities I refuse to see in myself. I look for other people to validate for me the man that I am. I give (and practically force upon them) the very best of who I am, I guess, in a subconscious attempt to have them validate the worth of that person as someone to be proud of and to cherish. I go to great lengths to keep that validation coming, often to the point of excessive generosity, without the expectation of any other type of reciprocity. Invariably, this always turns into a situation where my own largesse becomes expected, the validation that I receive gradually dwindles, and I end up feeling used by people whom I thought were, and who may very well have honestly intended to be, my friends. I blame this paradigm shift in my friendships on my own lack of establishing boundaries with others. For me, there are no boundaries. I do not accept myself, so I need others to accept me. So, I pick up tabs, and overlook spoiled plans, and ignore small, hurtful things that are said and done. Then, it gets worse. The friends end up getting annoyed. Once I put them on a pedestal of worship, I subtend my own quid pro quo expectations of the friendship to the acceptance of them simply allowing me to be around them, as though I were some socially inept pariah, and they were some beatific benefactor of social inclusion for me. It seems to me that once I diefy someone, I can no longer exist at an equal level which rightfully seeks out an equal investment into the relationship, which is what I ought to demand from the get-go. When that equal investment is withheld, I feel slighted. This time, it has gone really quite horribly wrong.
A year and a half ago, I fell in with a group who were all, by age or by mindset, much "younger" than I. Inasmuch, these folks haven't taken the lumps in life of someone who has worked in the same career for 15 or 20 years, or taken the lumps that one takes simply along the journey to crossing the threshold of 40 years lived. That is not their fault.
What is their fault, I think, is that at some point they must realize that they have devalued - quite possibly by way of my own actions - my sense of worth in their own eyes and minds and hearts, yet they continue to willfully reap the benefits of my continued excessive generosity toward them. Then, when I have tried to call them down from the pedestal I've placed them on, they get irritated. For the most part, they want to do what feels right for them, without any thought of what I need from them as a friend.
When I try to process with them my lack of acceptance especially in regard to trying to find a romantic relationship (not with them), they casually say things like there has to be some kind of chemical spark of attractiveness which they generally think I do not possess; or, that women are not going to be attracted to someone they consider to be "gross", which is apparently a quality that at least one of these friends from the last year and a half thinks I have a lock on. Yes, that person used the actual term gross.
That always and invariably brings me to the point where I find myself now. A point where there can exist no common ground or reciprocal care, compassion, or loyalty. I am an introvert. For the last year and a half I have tried to take on the persona of an extravert. In the process, all I really accomplished was to don the emporer's new clothes. There were a few manipulative suitors who hoodwinked me into beleiving I had a place of equal standing in their world; but mostly, there are just alot of otherwise and generally good people who clearly see my attempt to "fit in" for the fool's errand that it proved to be. Then when I tried to reassert my true self and to establish the proper reciprocal boundaries among this group, it seems they were no longer interested and would rather make mockery of the folly of my own creation, and would rather laugh at me than to laugh with me - and, I most definitely am not above laughing at myself.
These are not bad people. In fact, I still, in many ways, consider each of them friends. Unfortunately, many of them showed themselves to be more opportunistic than empathic, more using than empowering. The relationships became toxic. I found myself in a situation where the best thing for everyone was for me to remove myself from the situation, and to move on, away from them, and in a new direction.
Now is the time for me to salvage the few, true, undamaged and uncompromised friendships that remain, and to move on to establish a new social presence that, this time, does not rely on trying to cajole other people to buy into my intrinsic worth, but rather relies upon buying into it, and eventually owning it, myself.
To the friends who remain, and to those from whom I now must take leave, I wish to express my ever grateful, and heartfelt appreciation. Although every friendship did not work out well, you all have been a blessing in my life, each in your own special way. I wish every one of you all the very best that life has to offer, and mostly, I just want for you to be happy!
"Don't Come Around Here No More", Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
I hope for others to see in me qualities I refuse to see in myself. I look for other people to validate for me the man that I am. I give (and practically force upon them) the very best of who I am, I guess, in a subconscious attempt to have them validate the worth of that person as someone to be proud of and to cherish. I go to great lengths to keep that validation coming, often to the point of excessive generosity, without the expectation of any other type of reciprocity. Invariably, this always turns into a situation where my own largesse becomes expected, the validation that I receive gradually dwindles, and I end up feeling used by people whom I thought were, and who may very well have honestly intended to be, my friends. I blame this paradigm shift in my friendships on my own lack of establishing boundaries with others. For me, there are no boundaries. I do not accept myself, so I need others to accept me. So, I pick up tabs, and overlook spoiled plans, and ignore small, hurtful things that are said and done. Then, it gets worse. The friends end up getting annoyed. Once I put them on a pedestal of worship, I subtend my own quid pro quo expectations of the friendship to the acceptance of them simply allowing me to be around them, as though I were some socially inept pariah, and they were some beatific benefactor of social inclusion for me. It seems to me that once I diefy someone, I can no longer exist at an equal level which rightfully seeks out an equal investment into the relationship, which is what I ought to demand from the get-go. When that equal investment is withheld, I feel slighted. This time, it has gone really quite horribly wrong.
A year and a half ago, I fell in with a group who were all, by age or by mindset, much "younger" than I. Inasmuch, these folks haven't taken the lumps in life of someone who has worked in the same career for 15 or 20 years, or taken the lumps that one takes simply along the journey to crossing the threshold of 40 years lived. That is not their fault.
What is their fault, I think, is that at some point they must realize that they have devalued - quite possibly by way of my own actions - my sense of worth in their own eyes and minds and hearts, yet they continue to willfully reap the benefits of my continued excessive generosity toward them. Then, when I have tried to call them down from the pedestal I've placed them on, they get irritated. For the most part, they want to do what feels right for them, without any thought of what I need from them as a friend.
When I try to process with them my lack of acceptance especially in regard to trying to find a romantic relationship (not with them), they casually say things like there has to be some kind of chemical spark of attractiveness which they generally think I do not possess; or, that women are not going to be attracted to someone they consider to be "gross", which is apparently a quality that at least one of these friends from the last year and a half thinks I have a lock on. Yes, that person used the actual term gross.
That always and invariably brings me to the point where I find myself now. A point where there can exist no common ground or reciprocal care, compassion, or loyalty. I am an introvert. For the last year and a half I have tried to take on the persona of an extravert. In the process, all I really accomplished was to don the emporer's new clothes. There were a few manipulative suitors who hoodwinked me into beleiving I had a place of equal standing in their world; but mostly, there are just alot of otherwise and generally good people who clearly see my attempt to "fit in" for the fool's errand that it proved to be. Then when I tried to reassert my true self and to establish the proper reciprocal boundaries among this group, it seems they were no longer interested and would rather make mockery of the folly of my own creation, and would rather laugh at me than to laugh with me - and, I most definitely am not above laughing at myself.
These are not bad people. In fact, I still, in many ways, consider each of them friends. Unfortunately, many of them showed themselves to be more opportunistic than empathic, more using than empowering. The relationships became toxic. I found myself in a situation where the best thing for everyone was for me to remove myself from the situation, and to move on, away from them, and in a new direction.
Now is the time for me to salvage the few, true, undamaged and uncompromised friendships that remain, and to move on to establish a new social presence that, this time, does not rely on trying to cajole other people to buy into my intrinsic worth, but rather relies upon buying into it, and eventually owning it, myself.
To the friends who remain, and to those from whom I now must take leave, I wish to express my ever grateful, and heartfelt appreciation. Although every friendship did not work out well, you all have been a blessing in my life, each in your own special way. I wish every one of you all the very best that life has to offer, and mostly, I just want for you to be happy!
"Don't Come Around Here No More", Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Let's Dance
Fair warning: this will seem trivial to alot of you. If you wish to avoid that, move onto the next entry or another page.
I had a dream this morning that has been disturbing me all day. In the dream, I was at a wedding reception. I was alone. I kept getting asked to dance by guys only. I got several of these invitations, all from guys who appeared to be perfectly polished and pressed, hair-gelled and perfumed, boy-band-stylin'-gay.
I am not the least bit homophobic. I have many friends who are gay. Its not a subject that makes me particularly uncomfortable on its own merit, nor is it one upon which I seek to impose my own social, political, or religious agenda, either to support or to oppose. I have a live-and-let-live approach to the whole gay/straight issue.
Still, this dream bothers me. My main goal in life right now is to find a way to become half of a healthy, productive, total partnership with a good woman. I am fighting tremendous insecurities that tell me I will never have that because I am not worthy, or too ugly, or in some other/additional unique or combined way, wholly unappealing to all women. Given those insecurities, which I am working quite diligently to attempt to manage, this dream was particularly unsettling to me in a way that has affected my whole day.
Now, I get that this is funny. I know most of you will say, "let it go", that its "just a dream", or that "sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar". That's probably all good advice; but, I want my cigar to have a pink band, not a blue one, wrapped around it! I want it that way!
Light 'em up, boys...
"Smoke From a Distant Fire", Sanford Townsend Band.
I had a dream this morning that has been disturbing me all day. In the dream, I was at a wedding reception. I was alone. I kept getting asked to dance by guys only. I got several of these invitations, all from guys who appeared to be perfectly polished and pressed, hair-gelled and perfumed, boy-band-stylin'-gay.
I am not the least bit homophobic. I have many friends who are gay. Its not a subject that makes me particularly uncomfortable on its own merit, nor is it one upon which I seek to impose my own social, political, or religious agenda, either to support or to oppose. I have a live-and-let-live approach to the whole gay/straight issue.
Still, this dream bothers me. My main goal in life right now is to find a way to become half of a healthy, productive, total partnership with a good woman. I am fighting tremendous insecurities that tell me I will never have that because I am not worthy, or too ugly, or in some other/additional unique or combined way, wholly unappealing to all women. Given those insecurities, which I am working quite diligently to attempt to manage, this dream was particularly unsettling to me in a way that has affected my whole day.
Now, I get that this is funny. I know most of you will say, "let it go", that its "just a dream", or that "sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar". That's probably all good advice; but, I want my cigar to have a pink band, not a blue one, wrapped around it! I want it that way!
Light 'em up, boys...
"Smoke From a Distant Fire", Sanford Townsend Band.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Souls Re-Shoed Here
What I have learned today, and really in the last several months, is that there are friends, there are best friends, and there are soul connections. All are blessings. Only the third is permanent. With some soul connections, it would be easier, at times, if they were not that; no matter, they are. I believe you choose your friends and you choose your best friends. I believe soul connections are brought into your life by forces both Divine and universal.
I gained this knowledge by learning from the example of someone I consider a soul connection. This individual showed me that it is okay to let go of some of the people in your life when the shared experience with them has run its course, even if you still hold them dear.
A week ago, a friend told me that I am too quick to appropriate the expectation of a soul connection with the people, and especially the ladies, who come into my life. Kerry, my therapist, and a few of my other friends, have told me that I am quick to give away the best aspects of who I am to anyone I meet, whether or not they have demonstrated the worthiness of that level of emotional investment. They are right, and it has been a painful lesson in the course of experiencing my relatively newly acquired capacity for feeling. I know now that it is okay to hold in reserve the best of what I have to offer another person for those who are truly special - for those who are soul connections.
I really wish we lived in a world where we could all freely give away the best of ourselves to each other, and know that we would always get the same in return. We don't. The world we live in is a good one, I just want it to be perfect. I try to make that happen for all those around me. The lesson learned is that I can only effectively make it happen for some - the soul connections - who are willing and ready to receive it and who, hopefully, wish to reciprocate.
"There's a Light Beyond These Woods (Mary Margaret)", Nanci Griffith.
I gained this knowledge by learning from the example of someone I consider a soul connection. This individual showed me that it is okay to let go of some of the people in your life when the shared experience with them has run its course, even if you still hold them dear.
A week ago, a friend told me that I am too quick to appropriate the expectation of a soul connection with the people, and especially the ladies, who come into my life. Kerry, my therapist, and a few of my other friends, have told me that I am quick to give away the best aspects of who I am to anyone I meet, whether or not they have demonstrated the worthiness of that level of emotional investment. They are right, and it has been a painful lesson in the course of experiencing my relatively newly acquired capacity for feeling. I know now that it is okay to hold in reserve the best of what I have to offer another person for those who are truly special - for those who are soul connections.
I really wish we lived in a world where we could all freely give away the best of ourselves to each other, and know that we would always get the same in return. We don't. The world we live in is a good one, I just want it to be perfect. I try to make that happen for all those around me. The lesson learned is that I can only effectively make it happen for some - the soul connections - who are willing and ready to receive it and who, hopefully, wish to reciprocate.
"There's a Light Beyond These Woods (Mary Margaret)", Nanci Griffith.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
One Year on 4/4
Thursday was one year since Vickie took leave from her practice. We accomplished a lot together, some of which I am still realizing as the days go by. Vickie, I miss you and love you a little more everyday, both personally and professionally, for moving me toward the better man you knew I could be, and I am becoming, even through all my doubts. You're amazing!
I am twice blessed 'cause Kerry my new therapist is equally wonderful! I was bound and determined that no one would ever replace Vickie; that part is true, no one ever could. I was also sure that never again would I find someone to care for my needs from a therapist as thoroughly and sensitively as Vickie; I was wrong about that, because Kerry set quickly about providing the same feeling of empathy and safety and interest that I relied so much upon Vickie as my sole source for, for nearly five years. Kerry brings her own unique and personal style to our collaboration. Both of you have earned my complete and unyielding trust, and because of that, you've also both won a substantial piece of my heart. Like I said...twice blessed!
I hope one day that both of these wonderful women will get to meet each other. Who knows, maybe we'll all dance at my wedding!
Please click on the link. I played this song at the conclusion of my last session with Vickie. I still think of ya, kiddo, every time it comes up on the radio or on my iPod.
"I'll Be Seeing You", Dean Martin.
I am twice blessed 'cause Kerry my new therapist is equally wonderful! I was bound and determined that no one would ever replace Vickie; that part is true, no one ever could. I was also sure that never again would I find someone to care for my needs from a therapist as thoroughly and sensitively as Vickie; I was wrong about that, because Kerry set quickly about providing the same feeling of empathy and safety and interest that I relied so much upon Vickie as my sole source for, for nearly five years. Kerry brings her own unique and personal style to our collaboration. Both of you have earned my complete and unyielding trust, and because of that, you've also both won a substantial piece of my heart. Like I said...twice blessed!
I hope one day that both of these wonderful women will get to meet each other. Who knows, maybe we'll all dance at my wedding!
Please click on the link. I played this song at the conclusion of my last session with Vickie. I still think of ya, kiddo, every time it comes up on the radio or on my iPod.
"I'll Be Seeing You", Dean Martin.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Listen Up, Santa!
I want a girlfriend for Christmas. I'm tired of being alone.
Now, I am blessed to have many friends who care a great deal about me. They take my feelings into consideration, and they are kind to me. I even have some special women friends like Erica and Chelsea and Jen who, if truth be told, are all I really need in my life to be blessed and content, and fulfill my need for emotional intimacy. But, I also want to be happy. At the end of the day, I am still lonely.
I want a girlfriend.
I went on a first date recently. She is a girl who is a friend, and yes she is very special. This particular woman may not be anymore interested in being a girlfriend than the others who are friends at varying levels of platonic intimacy. She's wonderful and I'm blessed to have her, but the friendship bases are covered around the horn. I am looking for the woman who can't wait to see me come home. I'm looking for the woman, who, when I'm not there is wondering how I feel, but who, when I am there knows exactly how I feel. It would be great if this woman were to be the one I spent last Sunday evening with. If that's not the case, that's okay, too. But, it needs to be somebody.
I want a girlfriend.
When I meet women to date the good people in my life tell me stuff like "just see how it goes" and "don't get your hopes up"; then, there's that inner voice that says "don't get ahead of yourself". Well, I know how it usually goes and I want something different, if not this particular time, then soon. I am a hopeless romantic; my hopes will always be up. And, at the age of 41, and with a healthy grasp of the person that I am and the love I have to be able to share with another, I don't feel like I'm getting too particularly ahead of myself.
I want a girlfriend.
When my friends say stuff like I just mentioned, it seems to tell me that they feel it necessary to steel me against every girl I meet not being interested, mostly sooner rather than later. They tell me I am wrong to blame myself for not keeping the love of a good woman by saying that I'm too old, too fat, too conservative, too flaky, too sensitive, too detached, too whatever. But then, their sentiments say exactly the same thing - that I probably don't have what it takes to keep a woman's romantic interest. Then, hearing it spelled out in plain truth disturbs them to the point that they say I am wrong for seeing exactly what they seem to be saying.
I want a girlfriend.
I have a friend who recently took his own life. He was lonely. He was a good 15 years older than me. Now, I'm not saying I have any intention of doing myself even the slightest harm. But, I'll bet that if you'd asked him 15 years ago, while he was still lonely but seemingly happier, that he'd never thought he'd want to do himself any harm either. I know his decision was a choice that I can choose to not make. I also am quite familiar with the road that got him to his final, fateful moment.
I want a girlfriend.
So there you have it, Santa! I am blessed! I want you to take care of everyone else before you get around to me. But, if on Christmas Eve, there is one more miracle left in your bag of tricks...
Well, I really kinda want a girlfriend!
"Pretty Paper", Roy Orbison.
Now, I am blessed to have many friends who care a great deal about me. They take my feelings into consideration, and they are kind to me. I even have some special women friends like Erica and Chelsea and Jen who, if truth be told, are all I really need in my life to be blessed and content, and fulfill my need for emotional intimacy. But, I also want to be happy. At the end of the day, I am still lonely.
I want a girlfriend.
I went on a first date recently. She is a girl who is a friend, and yes she is very special. This particular woman may not be anymore interested in being a girlfriend than the others who are friends at varying levels of platonic intimacy. She's wonderful and I'm blessed to have her, but the friendship bases are covered around the horn. I am looking for the woman who can't wait to see me come home. I'm looking for the woman, who, when I'm not there is wondering how I feel, but who, when I am there knows exactly how I feel. It would be great if this woman were to be the one I spent last Sunday evening with. If that's not the case, that's okay, too. But, it needs to be somebody.
I want a girlfriend.
When I meet women to date the good people in my life tell me stuff like "just see how it goes" and "don't get your hopes up"; then, there's that inner voice that says "don't get ahead of yourself". Well, I know how it usually goes and I want something different, if not this particular time, then soon. I am a hopeless romantic; my hopes will always be up. And, at the age of 41, and with a healthy grasp of the person that I am and the love I have to be able to share with another, I don't feel like I'm getting too particularly ahead of myself.
I want a girlfriend.
When my friends say stuff like I just mentioned, it seems to tell me that they feel it necessary to steel me against every girl I meet not being interested, mostly sooner rather than later. They tell me I am wrong to blame myself for not keeping the love of a good woman by saying that I'm too old, too fat, too conservative, too flaky, too sensitive, too detached, too whatever. But then, their sentiments say exactly the same thing - that I probably don't have what it takes to keep a woman's romantic interest. Then, hearing it spelled out in plain truth disturbs them to the point that they say I am wrong for seeing exactly what they seem to be saying.
I want a girlfriend.
I have a friend who recently took his own life. He was lonely. He was a good 15 years older than me. Now, I'm not saying I have any intention of doing myself even the slightest harm. But, I'll bet that if you'd asked him 15 years ago, while he was still lonely but seemingly happier, that he'd never thought he'd want to do himself any harm either. I know his decision was a choice that I can choose to not make. I also am quite familiar with the road that got him to his final, fateful moment.
I want a girlfriend.
So there you have it, Santa! I am blessed! I want you to take care of everyone else before you get around to me. But, if on Christmas Eve, there is one more miracle left in your bag of tricks...
Well, I really kinda want a girlfriend!
"Pretty Paper", Roy Orbison.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
2 O'Clock Jump
I look pretty damn good to women through rose' (read ROH-zay) colored glasses. Call it a closing time charm. I listen; I am everything every other guy is not. I'm like them, but not like them, if I were to paraphrase a recent conversation, which, I suppose, I just did. I get to be almost desired for a few hours. Then, in the harsh, cold light of the next morning, I am back to being a candidate unworthy of romantic consideration - too this and not enough that. Tender hearts and strong spirits do not mix well.
I get used. I have a friend who was in a bind and needed to "borrow" (I have since learned to lend without the expectation of recompense) some money. I took this person twice as much as they told me was needed. The next day, that friend said they remembered they actually needed three times the amount of their original request. I didn't throw bad money after good, and so I imagine I will not be high on that friend's list of concerns any longer. This happens in family, too. I actually got criticized, just this Monday, for not being in one place to be able to help my father, while I was out picking up dinner for him and Mom. True story. My family often tell me that I should not let my friends use me. I feel like asking, "Why? So you can do it first?". Sometimes, I wonder if I'd get more respect and more romantic attention if I were to act like an indifferent ass.
I have been passed over for promotion twice in the last five years at work - both times to the choice of junior colleagues. My boss just quit. People are telling me that his boss said I will be named acting supervisor; no one asked or told me. I'm tired of having my loyalty and services assumed. Unfortunately, I want the job because I know I can do it better and more efficiently than I've seen it done. Maybe success is the best revenge.
I recently had one of my closest friends tell me that more than one woman in our social circle thinks I would be a good catch - with a catch. That catch - again - being if I were like me, but different. I'm not. This is it. I am me. Apparently, its not enough.
Rejection does not bother me; universal rejection does. There are things women like about me, but the entirety of the package is unacceptable. I'd almost prefer to be rejected flatly, than to be rejected by way of guised compliment. Sorry, ladies, I take no comfort in being almost worthy of your affection; either, I am, or I'm not. This is what gives rise to those dark feelings of depression and self-hatred, which seem to be coming home for the holidays. That, in itself, has become a bit of a tradition.
Please pass the cranberries and a bit of social indifference. Why, thank you!
"No One Is To Blame", Howard Jones.
I get used. I have a friend who was in a bind and needed to "borrow" (I have since learned to lend without the expectation of recompense) some money. I took this person twice as much as they told me was needed. The next day, that friend said they remembered they actually needed three times the amount of their original request. I didn't throw bad money after good, and so I imagine I will not be high on that friend's list of concerns any longer. This happens in family, too. I actually got criticized, just this Monday, for not being in one place to be able to help my father, while I was out picking up dinner for him and Mom. True story. My family often tell me that I should not let my friends use me. I feel like asking, "Why? So you can do it first?". Sometimes, I wonder if I'd get more respect and more romantic attention if I were to act like an indifferent ass.
I have been passed over for promotion twice in the last five years at work - both times to the choice of junior colleagues. My boss just quit. People are telling me that his boss said I will be named acting supervisor; no one asked or told me. I'm tired of having my loyalty and services assumed. Unfortunately, I want the job because I know I can do it better and more efficiently than I've seen it done. Maybe success is the best revenge.
I recently had one of my closest friends tell me that more than one woman in our social circle thinks I would be a good catch - with a catch. That catch - again - being if I were like me, but different. I'm not. This is it. I am me. Apparently, its not enough.
Rejection does not bother me; universal rejection does. There are things women like about me, but the entirety of the package is unacceptable. I'd almost prefer to be rejected flatly, than to be rejected by way of guised compliment. Sorry, ladies, I take no comfort in being almost worthy of your affection; either, I am, or I'm not. This is what gives rise to those dark feelings of depression and self-hatred, which seem to be coming home for the holidays. That, in itself, has become a bit of a tradition.
Please pass the cranberries and a bit of social indifference. Why, thank you!
"No One Is To Blame", Howard Jones.
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