A Course in Miracles teaches that there are two forces at work that govern everything that is. Those forces are love and fear, and that between the two, only love is real. Most of my posts on this blog, and most of my thoughts, have shared the underlying theme of a search for love. I have lamented and agonized over not finding the love to save me from my solitude. In truth, God given love has been there all along.
As a Christian, part of my core belief is that I am a child of God, created in His perfect image. God is love. Therefore, the love I thought I was searching for had been an integral part of who I am all along. I only lacked the faith to believe it was so.
Even though the love was in me, I did not choose to see it. Instead, I sought love from external sources. I tried to get people to love me by contingently loving them. It didn't work. I found a host of women who would let me invest my love interest in them right up to the point that I felt entitled to reciprocation, then they no longer wanted anything to do with me. These were poorly chosen women, and I was not so much investing with love as I was acting from fear.
I have spent so much of my energy addressing the love that I perceived to be lacking that I espoused myself to the fear of perpetual loneliness. Loneliness became an identity, and I permitted it to become a crisis. The more effort I put toward fighting loneliness, the more lonely I felt. My way wasn't working.
Through collaboration with my therapists and dear friends Vickie and Kerry, and through the study of the words of Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson; through the meditative guidance of my dear friend Cynthia, and with sincere prayer to God, I have found a way to get back on track. I have divorced myself from my loneliness and begun to concentrate on my internal and infinite source of divine love.
From the age of about nine years, the Holy Spirit has shown me my role of a crisis manager and as a blessed peacemaker. From that same age, I was involuntarily disconnected from an investment in my own self-assurance. I lacked that self-assurance until I met and befriended Craig. Craig challenged me and made me realize that my only choice was success by way of confidence. His own confidence was and continues to be infectious. I did become confident in our professional and intellectual collaborations. Personal confidence would prove harder to come by.
In 2007, I bottomed out emotionally, and began seeking the assistance provided by a therapist in September. I would work with Vickie for nearly five years, until she took leave from her practice. Vickie reintroduced me to my own spectrum of emotion, and helped me to process feelings, some of which had been dead to me for over 25 years. Vickie and I accomplished a tremendous amount of healing and restoration in our sessions together. When Vickie took leave from her practice I felt a great sense of loss. That person I could trust with everything was gone away. I bottomed out again.
Around that same time I invested trust in some people who were still finding their own way, and who were in a position where they were able only to receive an investment of love, because their path also needed some redirection. My openness to giving was received eagerly but not reciprocated. The situation devolved to a point where everyone involved realized I was being at first unconsciously, then quite deliberately, used by this newfound circle of friends.
At the same time, I began seeing a new therapist, Kerry. Kerry would prove to be every bit the blessing that Vickie had been, but it took me some time to figure that out, and to reinvest the same level of trust that I had entrusted in Vickie, and then into those opportunistic friends. I had good and bad results from trusting people; and, although the good far outweighed the bad, the bad had been the most recent. As a result, I reverted to being guarded and defensive, and looked to start rebuilding some of my walls. I blew the mistakes others made out of proportion, especially so with Kerry. When Kerry saw my weakness, she pulled me closer, when those other friends pushed me away. In the last several months, Kerry has really earned my hard won trust when many would have given up on me, and when I have wanted, on more than one occasion, to give up on myself.
Kerry has helped me arrive at a point on my journey where I honestly believe that there is nothing inherently wrong with me. I am ready to let go of the familiarity and identity that is the fear of loneliness. Letting go of that loneliness creates a huge opening of emotional space.
The number one benefit of the increased emotional space is that it allows me to love more freely. Another benefit is that this openness allows me to draw my reinvestment of love from source blessings other than others whom I used as more of a buffer from fear than as any source of true love. It may come by way of photography, or music appreciation, or from writing on this blog, or sending correspondence through the mail. I feel like I am finally open to allowing my success to find me in due course, rather than trying to chase it down and extrapolate it on my own terms.
The book of Ecclesiastes says there is a time to sow and a time to reap. Until recently, I was so caught up in the harvest that wasn't right there, right then, that I forgot to ever plant the seeds.
"This Hard Land", Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
Home Field Advantage
Home is wherever love allows you to remain.
For most of my adult life I have been looking for my place in this world. Generally, it has seemed like an exhausting and never-ending search to find a place where I belong - where I can set down roots and establish the man that I am. It never occurred to me that during the entire course of my journey, I was already living in the Kingdom of God.
I have been working from home!
It has been my nature in my adult relationships to be a source of empathy and encouragement. I did this, mostly, because I want people to feel good and positive about themselves; but, I also did it to try, I guess, to lay claim to someplace in their life that I could call my own.
I was searching for a home.
I moved awkwardly among social and professional and familial scenes, all the while offering the best of my encouraging and empathic abilities in each place. I compartmentalized the different areas of my life, never allowing one place to overlap or even to touch the next. My life, as a result, became very disconnected. It largely remains so, even as of this writing, but I have begun fixing that.
I have been looking for a home.
Lately, I have achieved a greater awareness of a general regard for a sense of place, and a specific regard to my place therein. All of the good deed doing and encouragement and empathy that I had been offering were being intended as means to the selfish end of personal gain. I was looking so self-centeredly to see what I could get out of God's way, that I couldn't get out of my own way on the path to love and peace and happiness. I have been looking so hard to take residence in an individual home, that I couldn't see that the Holy Spirit has endowed me with such measure of blessing that the loving intentions of the entire Kingdom of God have been invested to take residence within me. That is a concept that is, at once, amazing and incredibly humbling.
I already possess the foundation for a home.
In the last two months I have learned that two very dear friends will be moving far away from my native Baltimore. My number one travel partner, wing man, and hang out buddy, Chris Heard, will be relocating to Washington State in late June. My friend from my days in photo school, Isabell Triemer, will be returning to her native Germany on June 10. Of course, I will miss seeing them here. Until very recently, I would have counted these departures as loss. Both Chris and Isabell have demonstrated to me that the love I shared has been beneficial to them. For much of the time that I have known both of them, my giving was done in the hopes of getting something in return. Their perceiving my role in their lives as something of value is not the easiest thing for me to wrap my head around, but I'm am certainly blessed that they feel that way.
I am creating a home.
I came into this particular phase of my life with a dearth of self-confidence. I prayed to God for the ability to forgive those who had been the target of my repressed anger. He granted that miracle. I also prayed for him to bless my friends and family, and to find a way to use me as a tool to accomplish His will. Apparently, He has granted that miracle, too. The Kingdom of God is within me.
I am at home.
Every encounter I have with every person I meet offers me the ability to take the Light of God's will in a new direction. I have spent too much time looking for recognition and validation from peers, a girlfriend, the art community, and such. I should have been seeking only the Kingdom of God. The Bible says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.". So, when those whom God has given me the joy and blessing to love move on to far away places, I do not count it as loss. I count it as God continuing to answer my prayer to use me as a tool to accomplish His will, so that His Light that I have shared with them can be taken to more places and shared with more people in an ever-increasing reach of His love.
I am adding onto my home!
"Homeward Bound", Simon & Garfunkel.
For most of my adult life I have been looking for my place in this world. Generally, it has seemed like an exhausting and never-ending search to find a place where I belong - where I can set down roots and establish the man that I am. It never occurred to me that during the entire course of my journey, I was already living in the Kingdom of God.
I have been working from home!
It has been my nature in my adult relationships to be a source of empathy and encouragement. I did this, mostly, because I want people to feel good and positive about themselves; but, I also did it to try, I guess, to lay claim to someplace in their life that I could call my own.
I was searching for a home.
I moved awkwardly among social and professional and familial scenes, all the while offering the best of my encouraging and empathic abilities in each place. I compartmentalized the different areas of my life, never allowing one place to overlap or even to touch the next. My life, as a result, became very disconnected. It largely remains so, even as of this writing, but I have begun fixing that.
I have been looking for a home.
Lately, I have achieved a greater awareness of a general regard for a sense of place, and a specific regard to my place therein. All of the good deed doing and encouragement and empathy that I had been offering were being intended as means to the selfish end of personal gain. I was looking so self-centeredly to see what I could get out of God's way, that I couldn't get out of my own way on the path to love and peace and happiness. I have been looking so hard to take residence in an individual home, that I couldn't see that the Holy Spirit has endowed me with such measure of blessing that the loving intentions of the entire Kingdom of God have been invested to take residence within me. That is a concept that is, at once, amazing and incredibly humbling.
I already possess the foundation for a home.
In the last two months I have learned that two very dear friends will be moving far away from my native Baltimore. My number one travel partner, wing man, and hang out buddy, Chris Heard, will be relocating to Washington State in late June. My friend from my days in photo school, Isabell Triemer, will be returning to her native Germany on June 10. Of course, I will miss seeing them here. Until very recently, I would have counted these departures as loss. Both Chris and Isabell have demonstrated to me that the love I shared has been beneficial to them. For much of the time that I have known both of them, my giving was done in the hopes of getting something in return. Their perceiving my role in their lives as something of value is not the easiest thing for me to wrap my head around, but I'm am certainly blessed that they feel that way.
I am creating a home.
I came into this particular phase of my life with a dearth of self-confidence. I prayed to God for the ability to forgive those who had been the target of my repressed anger. He granted that miracle. I also prayed for him to bless my friends and family, and to find a way to use me as a tool to accomplish His will. Apparently, He has granted that miracle, too. The Kingdom of God is within me.
I am at home.
Every encounter I have with every person I meet offers me the ability to take the Light of God's will in a new direction. I have spent too much time looking for recognition and validation from peers, a girlfriend, the art community, and such. I should have been seeking only the Kingdom of God. The Bible says, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.". So, when those whom God has given me the joy and blessing to love move on to far away places, I do not count it as loss. I count it as God continuing to answer my prayer to use me as a tool to accomplish His will, so that His Light that I have shared with them can be taken to more places and shared with more people in an ever-increasing reach of His love.
I am adding onto my home!
"Homeward Bound", Simon & Garfunkel.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Two Way Traffic
People bring me problems and I solve them. They bring me crises and I manage them. They bring me broken plans and broken hearts and broken dreams and I fix them. I believe they are grateful; but, only a scant few concern themselves with who (if anyone at all) has my back. More often than not, there are a few that do. They are far fewer than those who bring me their issues to address. Emotionally, that has caused me to run up a deficit faster than Congress at a campaign clearance sale. I had to throw on the brakes.
Those who do not reciprocate...gone! Those who feign mutual dependability...put on a leash. New arrivals with more troubles to manage...stiff-armed and rebuffed. I would love to give way the best of who I am freely to everyone I ever meet. I tried doing that actively for nearly two years. I got used. I got hurt. I lost literally thousands of dollars in being that person. Some have claimed they "intend to pay me back"; I have faith in only one of them. I wish their intention for repayment were as obviously sincere as their intention to "borrow" the money in the first place. Lesson learned, and most of these people are no longer friends. Word to the wise.
Then there are the women. I don't know what it is with so many women these days, but they want to be wined and dined and complimented simply on the premise that they think they are so incredibly extraordinary. Guess what, ladies. A pretty face and a nice presentation gets you in the door. If you want to stay there and have a decent guy who treats you well, try meeting them half way. Try earning it! It seems far too common among women I've dated from 25-50 that they want to be taken around and put on a pedestal and to have me (and other guys, except for the d-bags, of course) simply content to bask in the glow of their presence whenever they are in the mood to be adored. You want to be treated like a princess? Start acting with the grace and class of one; it might further your cause. Until then, cut your own damn grass or hire a kid to do it for you. Either way, until you show up to cut my lawn, I really don't care to hear your bitching about how nobody cuts yours for you or changes your oil. Oh, you want my help with that? One, try asking; two, its called Hillside Lawn Service and Jones for Life. I have both numbers if you'd like either one.
I have learned that trying to get away from your problems is pretty much a fruitless endeavor. I took a trip to Puerto Rico to try to escape my thoughts and fears and worries. What I came to realize is that wherever you go, there you are. You can't get away from your own self. I am trying to incorporate the practice of mindfulness into my daily living. When you have trained yourself to be a default worrier, this is difficult. I have found a certain aura of peace when I drive around in the car listening to my iPod. In those moments I have found a route to escape worry. I have found a satisfaction and reassurance in who I am and the choices I make. I have found the courage to stand alone in my own dignity, rather than to compromise my self-worth for anyone else's external validation. This change has been a tough learning curve for me. In a way, I feel like a total dick for having had to set boundaries. I think, when it comes to interpersonal relationships of any variety, but especially romantic ones, I want a mutual effort. I have severed connections with several people who wanted to be friends as long as I was picking up the tab. I have forged deeper connections with those I pulled away from, but who stayed to see me through my rough times, anyway.
I am not looking to adore anyone or to put them on a pedestal, and I would certainly never expect anyone to defer to me in those ways. I've tried "loving enough for the both of us". It doesn't work. I'm as good a man as you will find, but I am done doing other people's bidding for them. If you want to be my friend or my confidant or my lover, or important to me in any other meaningful way, then show me that I am important to you. Meet me fairly close to half way, and there is nothing we cannot achieve and nowhere we cannot go together. Until then, my iPod, my Hyundai, and I all respect the hell outta me, and I am content, in this moment, with that respect.
"Vehicle", Ides of March.
Those who do not reciprocate...gone! Those who feign mutual dependability...put on a leash. New arrivals with more troubles to manage...stiff-armed and rebuffed. I would love to give way the best of who I am freely to everyone I ever meet. I tried doing that actively for nearly two years. I got used. I got hurt. I lost literally thousands of dollars in being that person. Some have claimed they "intend to pay me back"; I have faith in only one of them. I wish their intention for repayment were as obviously sincere as their intention to "borrow" the money in the first place. Lesson learned, and most of these people are no longer friends. Word to the wise.
Then there are the women. I don't know what it is with so many women these days, but they want to be wined and dined and complimented simply on the premise that they think they are so incredibly extraordinary. Guess what, ladies. A pretty face and a nice presentation gets you in the door. If you want to stay there and have a decent guy who treats you well, try meeting them half way. Try earning it! It seems far too common among women I've dated from 25-50 that they want to be taken around and put on a pedestal and to have me (and other guys, except for the d-bags, of course) simply content to bask in the glow of their presence whenever they are in the mood to be adored. You want to be treated like a princess? Start acting with the grace and class of one; it might further your cause. Until then, cut your own damn grass or hire a kid to do it for you. Either way, until you show up to cut my lawn, I really don't care to hear your bitching about how nobody cuts yours for you or changes your oil. Oh, you want my help with that? One, try asking; two, its called Hillside Lawn Service and Jones for Life. I have both numbers if you'd like either one.
I have learned that trying to get away from your problems is pretty much a fruitless endeavor. I took a trip to Puerto Rico to try to escape my thoughts and fears and worries. What I came to realize is that wherever you go, there you are. You can't get away from your own self. I am trying to incorporate the practice of mindfulness into my daily living. When you have trained yourself to be a default worrier, this is difficult. I have found a certain aura of peace when I drive around in the car listening to my iPod. In those moments I have found a route to escape worry. I have found a satisfaction and reassurance in who I am and the choices I make. I have found the courage to stand alone in my own dignity, rather than to compromise my self-worth for anyone else's external validation. This change has been a tough learning curve for me. In a way, I feel like a total dick for having had to set boundaries. I think, when it comes to interpersonal relationships of any variety, but especially romantic ones, I want a mutual effort. I have severed connections with several people who wanted to be friends as long as I was picking up the tab. I have forged deeper connections with those I pulled away from, but who stayed to see me through my rough times, anyway.
I am not looking to adore anyone or to put them on a pedestal, and I would certainly never expect anyone to defer to me in those ways. I've tried "loving enough for the both of us". It doesn't work. I'm as good a man as you will find, but I am done doing other people's bidding for them. If you want to be my friend or my confidant or my lover, or important to me in any other meaningful way, then show me that I am important to you. Meet me fairly close to half way, and there is nothing we cannot achieve and nowhere we cannot go together. Until then, my iPod, my Hyundai, and I all respect the hell outta me, and I am content, in this moment, with that respect.
"Vehicle", Ides of March.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
You Have to Kiss a Few Frogs
Well, come to find out, some of the "horrible" things that Erica said about me were that she could never date me because I look like a frog, and there was something about me having no chin - whatever. With distance from our supposed friendship, it all just seems kind of juvenile. The words don't bother me, its the fact that she said them that hurts, still, a little. I have self-image issues, and I mention that on here quite frequently. I confided that in a more in-depth and meaningful way to her. She betrayed that confidence. She bragged to her friends that I told her she was beautiful, and that I really loved her. Both are true. I told her she was beautiful, because she seemed to listen to me and have my best interest at heart. I did love Erica. But I didn't love Erica because she looked like some Vogue covergirl. She didn't; it just didn't matter to me. She seemed to be a good person. She seemed to care. She perceived my attention to be confusion that she was more superficially beautiful than she was. To me, the beauty was in what I perceived as her lack of superficiality. Erica thought my attention and admiration and love was an endorsement of her looks, when it was an endorsement of her. Sadly, my confidence, love, and trust were grossly misplaced. I wish nothing bad for Erica, but I can't say I'm hoping for much glorious luck and splendor to visit her either. Its been about four months since we've been estranged as friends. It was clear to me after a month that whatever it was that we had was over. I have grieved the loss of the woman I perceived Erica to be and moved past it, and I am happy to be rid of the girl she actually proved to be. We had some fun. Hard knocks: 1; Hoffman: 0.
As I have put distance in time and emotional investment between myself and Erica and her minions, I've gone through several phases of processing the loss. I was stuck. I couldn't move or think or feel anything other than hurt. Then, I started to build up momentum. I had the gas, but lacked the direction. I ended up spinning in circles for quite a while. I damaged many good friendships. I ran more than a few people out of my life who had never been anything but good to me. Only a few have stuck by me. Some consciously, and some just by always being there without question or specific knowledge of what was going on. They just stayed. I would be remiss if I did not single out and extole the inexhaustable friendship of my best friend of nearly 30 years (some of those years more nearly than others), Steve Jenkins. He stuck by me when I tried to shut out everyone around me. When I tried to actively push him away, he yanked me by the arm and pulled me in closer, as if to say, "Kid! What the hell are you doing?!". The whole Jenkins family have really been a blessing to me, and being welcomed to the table at their family reunion made me feel the same way the returned Prodigal Son from Jesus' parable must have felt at his celebrated return home. I consider all of the Jenkins men to be brothers from another mother. In that moment, and in the company of those wonderful brothers, I found the strength to channel the already realized momentum of my reclaimed individual identity. Now, I had traction.
The final piece of the puzzle for this journey back to standing firmly on my own two feet was to find direction and purpose. My dear and wonderful, amazing therapist, Kerry Richie, gave me a friend's lovingly swift kick in the ass that can only come from someone who truly does have your best interest at heart. I am following her lead. I am connecting more deeply with friends like Jack Radcliffe, Chris Heard, Phil Laubner, Jeff Rollinger, Doug Rhone, Pastor David Franklin, Jennifer Packard, and Colleen Lyons Dunnigan who seem to be worthy of the investment of my trust and confidence. Knowing, too, that I enjoy the support and encouragement of the very special individual for whom this vehicle of thought and feeling is named, Vickie Diamond, is a continual source of strength and reassurance.
The best of who I am is because of who I am, (toad)warts and all. The reason I am able to continue to be that man is because of all of you - even Erica. Love to all!
"Brothers In Arms", Dire Straits.
As I have put distance in time and emotional investment between myself and Erica and her minions, I've gone through several phases of processing the loss. I was stuck. I couldn't move or think or feel anything other than hurt. Then, I started to build up momentum. I had the gas, but lacked the direction. I ended up spinning in circles for quite a while. I damaged many good friendships. I ran more than a few people out of my life who had never been anything but good to me. Only a few have stuck by me. Some consciously, and some just by always being there without question or specific knowledge of what was going on. They just stayed. I would be remiss if I did not single out and extole the inexhaustable friendship of my best friend of nearly 30 years (some of those years more nearly than others), Steve Jenkins. He stuck by me when I tried to shut out everyone around me. When I tried to actively push him away, he yanked me by the arm and pulled me in closer, as if to say, "Kid! What the hell are you doing?!". The whole Jenkins family have really been a blessing to me, and being welcomed to the table at their family reunion made me feel the same way the returned Prodigal Son from Jesus' parable must have felt at his celebrated return home. I consider all of the Jenkins men to be brothers from another mother. In that moment, and in the company of those wonderful brothers, I found the strength to channel the already realized momentum of my reclaimed individual identity. Now, I had traction.
The final piece of the puzzle for this journey back to standing firmly on my own two feet was to find direction and purpose. My dear and wonderful, amazing therapist, Kerry Richie, gave me a friend's lovingly swift kick in the ass that can only come from someone who truly does have your best interest at heart. I am following her lead. I am connecting more deeply with friends like Jack Radcliffe, Chris Heard, Phil Laubner, Jeff Rollinger, Doug Rhone, Pastor David Franklin, Jennifer Packard, and Colleen Lyons Dunnigan who seem to be worthy of the investment of my trust and confidence. Knowing, too, that I enjoy the support and encouragement of the very special individual for whom this vehicle of thought and feeling is named, Vickie Diamond, is a continual source of strength and reassurance.
The best of who I am is because of who I am, (toad)warts and all. The reason I am able to continue to be that man is because of all of you - even Erica. Love to all!
"Brothers In Arms", Dire Straits.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Preface to an Epilogue
My social circle tends to break down at seven to ten year intervals. Recently, that has happened again. Every other time this has happened, it was always with the idea that a new circle of friends would emerge. This time, it just seems final.
Kerry, my therapist, suggested I use this down time - ostensibly between close-at-hand, socially connective relationships - to imagine what the life I have wanted might feel like. She told me to imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend who was genuinely interested in me, and the man that I am, and the things that are important to me. She told me to imagine spending time with some woman like this, who would want to earn the emotional investment that I have previously given up so freely to women who really didn't wish to reciprocate. She told me to imagine what it would be like to have that person around in the next phase of my life. She told me to do this in the hopes of producing a directed and focused intentionality, an exercise in "acting as if"; Vickie tried to get me to do the same thing when she and I worked together. This is supposed to bring about some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
I tried. When I try to imagine the next phase of my life, there's nothing there. Now, before you go sounding the alarm bells and orchestrating an interventionary Chinese fire drill, hear me out. I don't see my current chapter ending anytime soon, but I see things continuing as they are, in perpetuity. I am trying to change things for the better. I had scheduled two interesting and engaging social events for myself this weekend; both were cancelled by others for reasons beyond my control. Sometimes, it feels like even God is saying, "up your's".
I have self-image issues. When struggling with dating, I had one really good friend tell me, "it can't be everybody else". I've had one close female confidant who said that, "maybe women just aren't attracted to you", and another who equated my appearance to being "gross". Having already been down on myself, these statements made things worse.
So, it seems that trying to imagine some kind of future happiness is not working for me. I can't even imagine wanting to be happy at all anymore. It would be quite enough for me, at some point, to stop feeling sad.
"No Time", The Guess Who.
Kerry, my therapist, suggested I use this down time - ostensibly between close-at-hand, socially connective relationships - to imagine what the life I have wanted might feel like. She told me to imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend who was genuinely interested in me, and the man that I am, and the things that are important to me. She told me to imagine spending time with some woman like this, who would want to earn the emotional investment that I have previously given up so freely to women who really didn't wish to reciprocate. She told me to imagine what it would be like to have that person around in the next phase of my life. She told me to do this in the hopes of producing a directed and focused intentionality, an exercise in "acting as if"; Vickie tried to get me to do the same thing when she and I worked together. This is supposed to bring about some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.
I tried. When I try to imagine the next phase of my life, there's nothing there. Now, before you go sounding the alarm bells and orchestrating an interventionary Chinese fire drill, hear me out. I don't see my current chapter ending anytime soon, but I see things continuing as they are, in perpetuity. I am trying to change things for the better. I had scheduled two interesting and engaging social events for myself this weekend; both were cancelled by others for reasons beyond my control. Sometimes, it feels like even God is saying, "up your's".
I have self-image issues. When struggling with dating, I had one really good friend tell me, "it can't be everybody else". I've had one close female confidant who said that, "maybe women just aren't attracted to you", and another who equated my appearance to being "gross". Having already been down on myself, these statements made things worse.
So, it seems that trying to imagine some kind of future happiness is not working for me. I can't even imagine wanting to be happy at all anymore. It would be quite enough for me, at some point, to stop feeling sad.
"No Time", The Guess Who.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Social Reawakening
Its been a rough go. Friendships that I once thought I could not live without have dissolved. I fought it, but I had to let go - or, let it ride - as my lunch companion said on Tuesday. She, of course, was right!
Tuesday felt like the first day in a long time that I have gone out and lived life, instead of letting life happen to me. I had lunch at a lovely tea room in Bel Air, with a gal whose stunning intellect is often - and, quite unfairly - underestimated because she also happens to be very attractive. Those who underestimate this lady do so at their own peril. I'm an exceptionally smart guy, and without being too self-inflated, I often find myself in situations where I might well be the smartest person in the room. That never happens in this friend's presence.
Our conversation had depth and ease in ample supply, and in equal measure. This is how I am supposed to interact - equally, and with a reciprocal sense of respect. My friend is happily married with a family of her own. So, there is not the stress of worrying with winning of affections, or having to impress the girl; and, my friend is going to help me better vet my choices of potential dating partners going forward. That will be fun, and hopefully she can talk some sense into me when I start short-changing my own needs in favor of simply having someone around even if it were to be at my own emotional expense. I know I don't need to do that; I'm going to count on my friend to remind me of that fact!
The place we went was really neat. It is a tea room in Bel Air, decorated in the style of an English country house. The tea was really good. The background music was nice. What I liked best about the place is that the entirety of the atmosphere is such that it encourages polite and engaging discourse. I can see the tea room being useful as a first date/date-ette venue. It was definitely something refreshingly different!
Today, thanks to enough time away from bad company, and thanks to keeping the kind of company that seeks to empower and to encourage, I took my first steps back in a positive direction with forward looking momentum.
I have a plan going forward. I am looking to meet a good woman, and I even have a lady in mind, maybe. But, now, I have greater demands of a potential relationship partner beyond simply being mutually available. I am looking for someone who is at least 35 years old. I am looking for a woman who, like me and my friend, could easily get lost in a three-hour, five-pots-of-tea kinda conversation. I am looking for someone who possesses similar values, so as to avoid being unequally yoked, socially speaking, like it says in the Good Book. And, this gentleman prefers redheads!
It is hard to let bad relationships that once felt good die. But, sometimes you have to gentleman up, take the hit, grieve the loss, but ultimately find a way to move on. I think, for me, lunch with my friend started that journey! Hurt and worry, for me, have obfuscated my ability to realize and enjoy the abundant blessings I am fortunate to enjoy. My happiness should never have been about acceptance from others. Self-acceptance is still a challenge for me, but I'm going to try to walk in those new shoes for awhile. Hopefully, it will eventually prove to be a comfortable fit!
"Four Seasons: Spring", Antonio Vivaldi.
Tuesday felt like the first day in a long time that I have gone out and lived life, instead of letting life happen to me. I had lunch at a lovely tea room in Bel Air, with a gal whose stunning intellect is often - and, quite unfairly - underestimated because she also happens to be very attractive. Those who underestimate this lady do so at their own peril. I'm an exceptionally smart guy, and without being too self-inflated, I often find myself in situations where I might well be the smartest person in the room. That never happens in this friend's presence.
Our conversation had depth and ease in ample supply, and in equal measure. This is how I am supposed to interact - equally, and with a reciprocal sense of respect. My friend is happily married with a family of her own. So, there is not the stress of worrying with winning of affections, or having to impress the girl; and, my friend is going to help me better vet my choices of potential dating partners going forward. That will be fun, and hopefully she can talk some sense into me when I start short-changing my own needs in favor of simply having someone around even if it were to be at my own emotional expense. I know I don't need to do that; I'm going to count on my friend to remind me of that fact!
The place we went was really neat. It is a tea room in Bel Air, decorated in the style of an English country house. The tea was really good. The background music was nice. What I liked best about the place is that the entirety of the atmosphere is such that it encourages polite and engaging discourse. I can see the tea room being useful as a first date/date-ette venue. It was definitely something refreshingly different!
Today, thanks to enough time away from bad company, and thanks to keeping the kind of company that seeks to empower and to encourage, I took my first steps back in a positive direction with forward looking momentum.
I have a plan going forward. I am looking to meet a good woman, and I even have a lady in mind, maybe. But, now, I have greater demands of a potential relationship partner beyond simply being mutually available. I am looking for someone who is at least 35 years old. I am looking for a woman who, like me and my friend, could easily get lost in a three-hour, five-pots-of-tea kinda conversation. I am looking for someone who possesses similar values, so as to avoid being unequally yoked, socially speaking, like it says in the Good Book. And, this gentleman prefers redheads!
It is hard to let bad relationships that once felt good die. But, sometimes you have to gentleman up, take the hit, grieve the loss, but ultimately find a way to move on. I think, for me, lunch with my friend started that journey! Hurt and worry, for me, have obfuscated my ability to realize and enjoy the abundant blessings I am fortunate to enjoy. My happiness should never have been about acceptance from others. Self-acceptance is still a challenge for me, but I'm going to try to walk in those new shoes for awhile. Hopefully, it will eventually prove to be a comfortable fit!
"Four Seasons: Spring", Antonio Vivaldi.
Monday, July 22, 2013
Ch-ch-ch-changes!
Sometimes, I surround myself with the wrong people for the right reasons - a need to increase the scope of my social circle, to broaden my horizons. At first, its great! It feels like what I have been looking for. The unfortunate truth is, these situtations mostly end up having been an opportunistic situation that saw me coming. Popularity has never been my domain. I am, in and of my own general intention, not popular. I have friends who are, but I am - by deliberate choice - not.
I hope for others to see in me qualities I refuse to see in myself. I look for other people to validate for me the man that I am. I give (and practically force upon them) the very best of who I am, I guess, in a subconscious attempt to have them validate the worth of that person as someone to be proud of and to cherish. I go to great lengths to keep that validation coming, often to the point of excessive generosity, without the expectation of any other type of reciprocity. Invariably, this always turns into a situation where my own largesse becomes expected, the validation that I receive gradually dwindles, and I end up feeling used by people whom I thought were, and who may very well have honestly intended to be, my friends. I blame this paradigm shift in my friendships on my own lack of establishing boundaries with others. For me, there are no boundaries. I do not accept myself, so I need others to accept me. So, I pick up tabs, and overlook spoiled plans, and ignore small, hurtful things that are said and done. Then, it gets worse. The friends end up getting annoyed. Once I put them on a pedestal of worship, I subtend my own quid pro quo expectations of the friendship to the acceptance of them simply allowing me to be around them, as though I were some socially inept pariah, and they were some beatific benefactor of social inclusion for me. It seems to me that once I diefy someone, I can no longer exist at an equal level which rightfully seeks out an equal investment into the relationship, which is what I ought to demand from the get-go. When that equal investment is withheld, I feel slighted. This time, it has gone really quite horribly wrong.
A year and a half ago, I fell in with a group who were all, by age or by mindset, much "younger" than I. Inasmuch, these folks haven't taken the lumps in life of someone who has worked in the same career for 15 or 20 years, or taken the lumps that one takes simply along the journey to crossing the threshold of 40 years lived. That is not their fault.
What is their fault, I think, is that at some point they must realize that they have devalued - quite possibly by way of my own actions - my sense of worth in their own eyes and minds and hearts, yet they continue to willfully reap the benefits of my continued excessive generosity toward them. Then, when I have tried to call them down from the pedestal I've placed them on, they get irritated. For the most part, they want to do what feels right for them, without any thought of what I need from them as a friend.
When I try to process with them my lack of acceptance especially in regard to trying to find a romantic relationship (not with them), they casually say things like there has to be some kind of chemical spark of attractiveness which they generally think I do not possess; or, that women are not going to be attracted to someone they consider to be "gross", which is apparently a quality that at least one of these friends from the last year and a half thinks I have a lock on. Yes, that person used the actual term gross.
That always and invariably brings me to the point where I find myself now. A point where there can exist no common ground or reciprocal care, compassion, or loyalty. I am an introvert. For the last year and a half I have tried to take on the persona of an extravert. In the process, all I really accomplished was to don the emporer's new clothes. There were a few manipulative suitors who hoodwinked me into beleiving I had a place of equal standing in their world; but mostly, there are just alot of otherwise and generally good people who clearly see my attempt to "fit in" for the fool's errand that it proved to be. Then when I tried to reassert my true self and to establish the proper reciprocal boundaries among this group, it seems they were no longer interested and would rather make mockery of the folly of my own creation, and would rather laugh at me than to laugh with me - and, I most definitely am not above laughing at myself.
These are not bad people. In fact, I still, in many ways, consider each of them friends. Unfortunately, many of them showed themselves to be more opportunistic than empathic, more using than empowering. The relationships became toxic. I found myself in a situation where the best thing for everyone was for me to remove myself from the situation, and to move on, away from them, and in a new direction.
Now is the time for me to salvage the few, true, undamaged and uncompromised friendships that remain, and to move on to establish a new social presence that, this time, does not rely on trying to cajole other people to buy into my intrinsic worth, but rather relies upon buying into it, and eventually owning it, myself.
To the friends who remain, and to those from whom I now must take leave, I wish to express my ever grateful, and heartfelt appreciation. Although every friendship did not work out well, you all have been a blessing in my life, each in your own special way. I wish every one of you all the very best that life has to offer, and mostly, I just want for you to be happy!
"Don't Come Around Here No More", Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
I hope for others to see in me qualities I refuse to see in myself. I look for other people to validate for me the man that I am. I give (and practically force upon them) the very best of who I am, I guess, in a subconscious attempt to have them validate the worth of that person as someone to be proud of and to cherish. I go to great lengths to keep that validation coming, often to the point of excessive generosity, without the expectation of any other type of reciprocity. Invariably, this always turns into a situation where my own largesse becomes expected, the validation that I receive gradually dwindles, and I end up feeling used by people whom I thought were, and who may very well have honestly intended to be, my friends. I blame this paradigm shift in my friendships on my own lack of establishing boundaries with others. For me, there are no boundaries. I do not accept myself, so I need others to accept me. So, I pick up tabs, and overlook spoiled plans, and ignore small, hurtful things that are said and done. Then, it gets worse. The friends end up getting annoyed. Once I put them on a pedestal of worship, I subtend my own quid pro quo expectations of the friendship to the acceptance of them simply allowing me to be around them, as though I were some socially inept pariah, and they were some beatific benefactor of social inclusion for me. It seems to me that once I diefy someone, I can no longer exist at an equal level which rightfully seeks out an equal investment into the relationship, which is what I ought to demand from the get-go. When that equal investment is withheld, I feel slighted. This time, it has gone really quite horribly wrong.
A year and a half ago, I fell in with a group who were all, by age or by mindset, much "younger" than I. Inasmuch, these folks haven't taken the lumps in life of someone who has worked in the same career for 15 or 20 years, or taken the lumps that one takes simply along the journey to crossing the threshold of 40 years lived. That is not their fault.
What is their fault, I think, is that at some point they must realize that they have devalued - quite possibly by way of my own actions - my sense of worth in their own eyes and minds and hearts, yet they continue to willfully reap the benefits of my continued excessive generosity toward them. Then, when I have tried to call them down from the pedestal I've placed them on, they get irritated. For the most part, they want to do what feels right for them, without any thought of what I need from them as a friend.
When I try to process with them my lack of acceptance especially in regard to trying to find a romantic relationship (not with them), they casually say things like there has to be some kind of chemical spark of attractiveness which they generally think I do not possess; or, that women are not going to be attracted to someone they consider to be "gross", which is apparently a quality that at least one of these friends from the last year and a half thinks I have a lock on. Yes, that person used the actual term gross.
That always and invariably brings me to the point where I find myself now. A point where there can exist no common ground or reciprocal care, compassion, or loyalty. I am an introvert. For the last year and a half I have tried to take on the persona of an extravert. In the process, all I really accomplished was to don the emporer's new clothes. There were a few manipulative suitors who hoodwinked me into beleiving I had a place of equal standing in their world; but mostly, there are just alot of otherwise and generally good people who clearly see my attempt to "fit in" for the fool's errand that it proved to be. Then when I tried to reassert my true self and to establish the proper reciprocal boundaries among this group, it seems they were no longer interested and would rather make mockery of the folly of my own creation, and would rather laugh at me than to laugh with me - and, I most definitely am not above laughing at myself.
These are not bad people. In fact, I still, in many ways, consider each of them friends. Unfortunately, many of them showed themselves to be more opportunistic than empathic, more using than empowering. The relationships became toxic. I found myself in a situation where the best thing for everyone was for me to remove myself from the situation, and to move on, away from them, and in a new direction.
Now is the time for me to salvage the few, true, undamaged and uncompromised friendships that remain, and to move on to establish a new social presence that, this time, does not rely on trying to cajole other people to buy into my intrinsic worth, but rather relies upon buying into it, and eventually owning it, myself.
To the friends who remain, and to those from whom I now must take leave, I wish to express my ever grateful, and heartfelt appreciation. Although every friendship did not work out well, you all have been a blessing in my life, each in your own special way. I wish every one of you all the very best that life has to offer, and mostly, I just want for you to be happy!
"Don't Come Around Here No More", Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Let's Dance
Fair warning: this will seem trivial to alot of you. If you wish to avoid that, move onto the next entry or another page.
I had a dream this morning that has been disturbing me all day. In the dream, I was at a wedding reception. I was alone. I kept getting asked to dance by guys only. I got several of these invitations, all from guys who appeared to be perfectly polished and pressed, hair-gelled and perfumed, boy-band-stylin'-gay.
I am not the least bit homophobic. I have many friends who are gay. Its not a subject that makes me particularly uncomfortable on its own merit, nor is it one upon which I seek to impose my own social, political, or religious agenda, either to support or to oppose. I have a live-and-let-live approach to the whole gay/straight issue.
Still, this dream bothers me. My main goal in life right now is to find a way to become half of a healthy, productive, total partnership with a good woman. I am fighting tremendous insecurities that tell me I will never have that because I am not worthy, or too ugly, or in some other/additional unique or combined way, wholly unappealing to all women. Given those insecurities, which I am working quite diligently to attempt to manage, this dream was particularly unsettling to me in a way that has affected my whole day.
Now, I get that this is funny. I know most of you will say, "let it go", that its "just a dream", or that "sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar". That's probably all good advice; but, I want my cigar to have a pink band, not a blue one, wrapped around it! I want it that way!
Light 'em up, boys...
"Smoke From a Distant Fire", Sanford Townsend Band.
I had a dream this morning that has been disturbing me all day. In the dream, I was at a wedding reception. I was alone. I kept getting asked to dance by guys only. I got several of these invitations, all from guys who appeared to be perfectly polished and pressed, hair-gelled and perfumed, boy-band-stylin'-gay.
I am not the least bit homophobic. I have many friends who are gay. Its not a subject that makes me particularly uncomfortable on its own merit, nor is it one upon which I seek to impose my own social, political, or religious agenda, either to support or to oppose. I have a live-and-let-live approach to the whole gay/straight issue.
Still, this dream bothers me. My main goal in life right now is to find a way to become half of a healthy, productive, total partnership with a good woman. I am fighting tremendous insecurities that tell me I will never have that because I am not worthy, or too ugly, or in some other/additional unique or combined way, wholly unappealing to all women. Given those insecurities, which I am working quite diligently to attempt to manage, this dream was particularly unsettling to me in a way that has affected my whole day.
Now, I get that this is funny. I know most of you will say, "let it go", that its "just a dream", or that "sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar". That's probably all good advice; but, I want my cigar to have a pink band, not a blue one, wrapped around it! I want it that way!
Light 'em up, boys...
"Smoke From a Distant Fire", Sanford Townsend Band.
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
Souls Re-Shoed Here
What I have learned today, and really in the last several months, is that there are friends, there are best friends, and there are soul connections. All are blessings. Only the third is permanent. With some soul connections, it would be easier, at times, if they were not that; no matter, they are. I believe you choose your friends and you choose your best friends. I believe soul connections are brought into your life by forces both Divine and universal.
I gained this knowledge by learning from the example of someone I consider a soul connection. This individual showed me that it is okay to let go of some of the people in your life when the shared experience with them has run its course, even if you still hold them dear.
A week ago, a friend told me that I am too quick to appropriate the expectation of a soul connection with the people, and especially the ladies, who come into my life. Kerry, my therapist, and a few of my other friends, have told me that I am quick to give away the best aspects of who I am to anyone I meet, whether or not they have demonstrated the worthiness of that level of emotional investment. They are right, and it has been a painful lesson in the course of experiencing my relatively newly acquired capacity for feeling. I know now that it is okay to hold in reserve the best of what I have to offer another person for those who are truly special - for those who are soul connections.
I really wish we lived in a world where we could all freely give away the best of ourselves to each other, and know that we would always get the same in return. We don't. The world we live in is a good one, I just want it to be perfect. I try to make that happen for all those around me. The lesson learned is that I can only effectively make it happen for some - the soul connections - who are willing and ready to receive it and who, hopefully, wish to reciprocate.
"There's a Light Beyond These Woods (Mary Margaret)", Nanci Griffith.
I gained this knowledge by learning from the example of someone I consider a soul connection. This individual showed me that it is okay to let go of some of the people in your life when the shared experience with them has run its course, even if you still hold them dear.
A week ago, a friend told me that I am too quick to appropriate the expectation of a soul connection with the people, and especially the ladies, who come into my life. Kerry, my therapist, and a few of my other friends, have told me that I am quick to give away the best aspects of who I am to anyone I meet, whether or not they have demonstrated the worthiness of that level of emotional investment. They are right, and it has been a painful lesson in the course of experiencing my relatively newly acquired capacity for feeling. I know now that it is okay to hold in reserve the best of what I have to offer another person for those who are truly special - for those who are soul connections.
I really wish we lived in a world where we could all freely give away the best of ourselves to each other, and know that we would always get the same in return. We don't. The world we live in is a good one, I just want it to be perfect. I try to make that happen for all those around me. The lesson learned is that I can only effectively make it happen for some - the soul connections - who are willing and ready to receive it and who, hopefully, wish to reciprocate.
"There's a Light Beyond These Woods (Mary Margaret)", Nanci Griffith.
Saturday, April 6, 2013
One Year on 4/4
Thursday was one year since Vickie took leave from her practice. We accomplished a lot together, some of which I am still realizing as the days go by. Vickie, I miss you and love you a little more everyday, both personally and professionally, for moving me toward the better man you knew I could be, and I am becoming, even through all my doubts. You're amazing!
I am twice blessed 'cause Kerry my new therapist is equally wonderful! I was bound and determined that no one would ever replace Vickie; that part is true, no one ever could. I was also sure that never again would I find someone to care for my needs from a therapist as thoroughly and sensitively as Vickie; I was wrong about that, because Kerry set quickly about providing the same feeling of empathy and safety and interest that I relied so much upon Vickie as my sole source for, for nearly five years. Kerry brings her own unique and personal style to our collaboration. Both of you have earned my complete and unyielding trust, and because of that, you've also both won a substantial piece of my heart. Like I said...twice blessed!
I hope one day that both of these wonderful women will get to meet each other. Who knows, maybe we'll all dance at my wedding!
Please click on the link. I played this song at the conclusion of my last session with Vickie. I still think of ya, kiddo, every time it comes up on the radio or on my iPod.
"I'll Be Seeing You", Dean Martin.
I am twice blessed 'cause Kerry my new therapist is equally wonderful! I was bound and determined that no one would ever replace Vickie; that part is true, no one ever could. I was also sure that never again would I find someone to care for my needs from a therapist as thoroughly and sensitively as Vickie; I was wrong about that, because Kerry set quickly about providing the same feeling of empathy and safety and interest that I relied so much upon Vickie as my sole source for, for nearly five years. Kerry brings her own unique and personal style to our collaboration. Both of you have earned my complete and unyielding trust, and because of that, you've also both won a substantial piece of my heart. Like I said...twice blessed!
I hope one day that both of these wonderful women will get to meet each other. Who knows, maybe we'll all dance at my wedding!
Please click on the link. I played this song at the conclusion of my last session with Vickie. I still think of ya, kiddo, every time it comes up on the radio or on my iPod.
"I'll Be Seeing You", Dean Martin.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Listen Up, Santa!
I want a girlfriend for Christmas. I'm tired of being alone.
Now, I am blessed to have many friends who care a great deal about me. They take my feelings into consideration, and they are kind to me. I even have some special women friends like Erica and Chelsea and Jen who, if truth be told, are all I really need in my life to be blessed and content, and fulfill my need for emotional intimacy. But, I also want to be happy. At the end of the day, I am still lonely.
I want a girlfriend.
I went on a first date recently. She is a girl who is a friend, and yes she is very special. This particular woman may not be anymore interested in being a girlfriend than the others who are friends at varying levels of platonic intimacy. She's wonderful and I'm blessed to have her, but the friendship bases are covered around the horn. I am looking for the woman who can't wait to see me come home. I'm looking for the woman, who, when I'm not there is wondering how I feel, but who, when I am there knows exactly how I feel. It would be great if this woman were to be the one I spent last Sunday evening with. If that's not the case, that's okay, too. But, it needs to be somebody.
I want a girlfriend.
When I meet women to date the good people in my life tell me stuff like "just see how it goes" and "don't get your hopes up"; then, there's that inner voice that says "don't get ahead of yourself". Well, I know how it usually goes and I want something different, if not this particular time, then soon. I am a hopeless romantic; my hopes will always be up. And, at the age of 41, and with a healthy grasp of the person that I am and the love I have to be able to share with another, I don't feel like I'm getting too particularly ahead of myself.
I want a girlfriend.
When my friends say stuff like I just mentioned, it seems to tell me that they feel it necessary to steel me against every girl I meet not being interested, mostly sooner rather than later. They tell me I am wrong to blame myself for not keeping the love of a good woman by saying that I'm too old, too fat, too conservative, too flaky, too sensitive, too detached, too whatever. But then, their sentiments say exactly the same thing - that I probably don't have what it takes to keep a woman's romantic interest. Then, hearing it spelled out in plain truth disturbs them to the point that they say I am wrong for seeing exactly what they seem to be saying.
I want a girlfriend.
I have a friend who recently took his own life. He was lonely. He was a good 15 years older than me. Now, I'm not saying I have any intention of doing myself even the slightest harm. But, I'll bet that if you'd asked him 15 years ago, while he was still lonely but seemingly happier, that he'd never thought he'd want to do himself any harm either. I know his decision was a choice that I can choose to not make. I also am quite familiar with the road that got him to his final, fateful moment.
I want a girlfriend.
So there you have it, Santa! I am blessed! I want you to take care of everyone else before you get around to me. But, if on Christmas Eve, there is one more miracle left in your bag of tricks...
Well, I really kinda want a girlfriend!
"Pretty Paper", Roy Orbison.
Now, I am blessed to have many friends who care a great deal about me. They take my feelings into consideration, and they are kind to me. I even have some special women friends like Erica and Chelsea and Jen who, if truth be told, are all I really need in my life to be blessed and content, and fulfill my need for emotional intimacy. But, I also want to be happy. At the end of the day, I am still lonely.
I want a girlfriend.
I went on a first date recently. She is a girl who is a friend, and yes she is very special. This particular woman may not be anymore interested in being a girlfriend than the others who are friends at varying levels of platonic intimacy. She's wonderful and I'm blessed to have her, but the friendship bases are covered around the horn. I am looking for the woman who can't wait to see me come home. I'm looking for the woman, who, when I'm not there is wondering how I feel, but who, when I am there knows exactly how I feel. It would be great if this woman were to be the one I spent last Sunday evening with. If that's not the case, that's okay, too. But, it needs to be somebody.
I want a girlfriend.
When I meet women to date the good people in my life tell me stuff like "just see how it goes" and "don't get your hopes up"; then, there's that inner voice that says "don't get ahead of yourself". Well, I know how it usually goes and I want something different, if not this particular time, then soon. I am a hopeless romantic; my hopes will always be up. And, at the age of 41, and with a healthy grasp of the person that I am and the love I have to be able to share with another, I don't feel like I'm getting too particularly ahead of myself.
I want a girlfriend.
When my friends say stuff like I just mentioned, it seems to tell me that they feel it necessary to steel me against every girl I meet not being interested, mostly sooner rather than later. They tell me I am wrong to blame myself for not keeping the love of a good woman by saying that I'm too old, too fat, too conservative, too flaky, too sensitive, too detached, too whatever. But then, their sentiments say exactly the same thing - that I probably don't have what it takes to keep a woman's romantic interest. Then, hearing it spelled out in plain truth disturbs them to the point that they say I am wrong for seeing exactly what they seem to be saying.
I want a girlfriend.
I have a friend who recently took his own life. He was lonely. He was a good 15 years older than me. Now, I'm not saying I have any intention of doing myself even the slightest harm. But, I'll bet that if you'd asked him 15 years ago, while he was still lonely but seemingly happier, that he'd never thought he'd want to do himself any harm either. I know his decision was a choice that I can choose to not make. I also am quite familiar with the road that got him to his final, fateful moment.
I want a girlfriend.
So there you have it, Santa! I am blessed! I want you to take care of everyone else before you get around to me. But, if on Christmas Eve, there is one more miracle left in your bag of tricks...
Well, I really kinda want a girlfriend!
"Pretty Paper", Roy Orbison.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
2 O'Clock Jump
I look pretty damn good to women through rose' (read ROH-zay) colored glasses. Call it a closing time charm. I listen; I am everything every other guy is not. I'm like them, but not like them, if I were to paraphrase a recent conversation, which, I suppose, I just did. I get to be almost desired for a few hours. Then, in the harsh, cold light of the next morning, I am back to being a candidate unworthy of romantic consideration - too this and not enough that. Tender hearts and strong spirits do not mix well.
I get used. I have a friend who was in a bind and needed to "borrow" (I have since learned to lend without the expectation of recompense) some money. I took this person twice as much as they told me was needed. The next day, that friend said they remembered they actually needed three times the amount of their original request. I didn't throw bad money after good, and so I imagine I will not be high on that friend's list of concerns any longer. This happens in family, too. I actually got criticized, just this Monday, for not being in one place to be able to help my father, while I was out picking up dinner for him and Mom. True story. My family often tell me that I should not let my friends use me. I feel like asking, "Why? So you can do it first?". Sometimes, I wonder if I'd get more respect and more romantic attention if I were to act like an indifferent ass.
I have been passed over for promotion twice in the last five years at work - both times to the choice of junior colleagues. My boss just quit. People are telling me that his boss said I will be named acting supervisor; no one asked or told me. I'm tired of having my loyalty and services assumed. Unfortunately, I want the job because I know I can do it better and more efficiently than I've seen it done. Maybe success is the best revenge.
I recently had one of my closest friends tell me that more than one woman in our social circle thinks I would be a good catch - with a catch. That catch - again - being if I were like me, but different. I'm not. This is it. I am me. Apparently, its not enough.
Rejection does not bother me; universal rejection does. There are things women like about me, but the entirety of the package is unacceptable. I'd almost prefer to be rejected flatly, than to be rejected by way of guised compliment. Sorry, ladies, I take no comfort in being almost worthy of your affection; either, I am, or I'm not. This is what gives rise to those dark feelings of depression and self-hatred, which seem to be coming home for the holidays. That, in itself, has become a bit of a tradition.
Please pass the cranberries and a bit of social indifference. Why, thank you!
"No One Is To Blame", Howard Jones.
I get used. I have a friend who was in a bind and needed to "borrow" (I have since learned to lend without the expectation of recompense) some money. I took this person twice as much as they told me was needed. The next day, that friend said they remembered they actually needed three times the amount of their original request. I didn't throw bad money after good, and so I imagine I will not be high on that friend's list of concerns any longer. This happens in family, too. I actually got criticized, just this Monday, for not being in one place to be able to help my father, while I was out picking up dinner for him and Mom. True story. My family often tell me that I should not let my friends use me. I feel like asking, "Why? So you can do it first?". Sometimes, I wonder if I'd get more respect and more romantic attention if I were to act like an indifferent ass.
I have been passed over for promotion twice in the last five years at work - both times to the choice of junior colleagues. My boss just quit. People are telling me that his boss said I will be named acting supervisor; no one asked or told me. I'm tired of having my loyalty and services assumed. Unfortunately, I want the job because I know I can do it better and more efficiently than I've seen it done. Maybe success is the best revenge.
I recently had one of my closest friends tell me that more than one woman in our social circle thinks I would be a good catch - with a catch. That catch - again - being if I were like me, but different. I'm not. This is it. I am me. Apparently, its not enough.
Rejection does not bother me; universal rejection does. There are things women like about me, but the entirety of the package is unacceptable. I'd almost prefer to be rejected flatly, than to be rejected by way of guised compliment. Sorry, ladies, I take no comfort in being almost worthy of your affection; either, I am, or I'm not. This is what gives rise to those dark feelings of depression and self-hatred, which seem to be coming home for the holidays. That, in itself, has become a bit of a tradition.
Please pass the cranberries and a bit of social indifference. Why, thank you!
"No One Is To Blame", Howard Jones.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Sweet Freedom
I'm not there yet; but, I'm not where I started, either.
I still have bad days. I still feel very darkly negative feelings. I still beat myself up. But now, when those things happen, I have the sense of those negative instances being temporary. I am not that bad person or that loser or that worthless punching bag I wanted to revile myself as being. Revulsion, you see, and self-loathing give you an excuse to not try to improve your situation. Now, I do not by any means have all of this - or even any of it - down pat. I'm not sure I'm even particularly good at appropriating internal feelings and impulses. I only know that I am doing better than when I started, and better than I have been doing even recently.
Improvement came when I stopped isolating my perception of self and began to place it into context based in reality. How do I treat people? How do they react to me? How have I handled past challenges? What did I learn? How did I apply those lessons? How can I do this better? Do I want to? The most freeing feelings I've ever felt came by way of placing myself within the context of the big picture. It took inclusion to begin to set me free. When you make a list of people you know and whose opinions you respect, then you look at your interpersonal relationships with those individuals, you begin to get a reality based sense of the general external perception of the person you are - what people really think about you. For folks who have suffered or are suffering like I have, that external perception will almost invariably be better than the one you've spun up in your own mind about yourself.
Isolation of yourself or your perception of self is one of the most harmful things you can do, I think. With isolation it is entirely to be all the horrible things I told myself I was. It is only when I presented my evidence for that argument against the reality of the big picture that I saw how false it actually was. I'm not that loser or that failure or that ogre. I'm just a guy. I'm a guy who has done what he thought would bring about the best turn of circumstance for the greatest number of people possible. I am the kind of guy I would want in my corner, in my life, and among my circle of friends. By using isolation, I was able to make myself out to be a horrible monster. The truth is I could just as easily have spun myself up to be an orange polka-dotted horse - none of it was real.
So, onto seeing the big picture. How do people interact with you? What do you contribute? Its something, else they wouldn't stick around for very long 'cause people just don't have time for kicking a dead horse, orange polka-dotting be damned. Do people rely on you? Are you funny? Do you make people laugh in a good, healthy way, or dry their tears as they are getting their cry out? Do you listen? Then, guess what - they need you as much as you need them, and I guarantee you most certainly matter - to them, if not to yourself. But if not to yourself, then why not...and is your why not based on who you are in the big picture, or who you want to make yourself out to be so that you can justify poor or abusive treatment from someone whose validation and approval that you sought but was withheld for reasons that were never your fault or yours to control? These are hard questions. Sometimes, they will require you to see abuse and belittling is not love, and that it never was intended to be. Ultimately, though, it will make you stop doing the same thing to yourself, ergo breaking the cycle of continuity of abuse that you are perpetuating internally instead of toward others. It will make you look to see if there is some way to improve the circumstance for your abuser; and, sadly, sometimes to realize that some abusers do not wish to heal, change, improve, or be forgiven. Sometimes, the really rotten stinkers will even go back to some of their old abusive ways and push the buttons of your most fragile sensitivities. In that case, you need to give that person space to enjoy their misery, and to dole that space out in such a manner (physically and/or emotionally) so that it does not encompass you.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.". Love the ones who love you, and love the ones who don't. Know the difference between them, and give power and influence only to the ones who want to help you progress and make life better. Bitterness is best left to the bitter. Never try to cajole or manipulate, and that includes yourself. Honor your friends and honor yourself for the person you are. Give everyone, including yourself, the freedom of their own action and opinion. Draw from as many positive sources as you can find, and always return the favor in abundance. Love frees and empowers; meanness represses and constrains.
"Set Them Free", Sting.
I still have bad days. I still feel very darkly negative feelings. I still beat myself up. But now, when those things happen, I have the sense of those negative instances being temporary. I am not that bad person or that loser or that worthless punching bag I wanted to revile myself as being. Revulsion, you see, and self-loathing give you an excuse to not try to improve your situation. Now, I do not by any means have all of this - or even any of it - down pat. I'm not sure I'm even particularly good at appropriating internal feelings and impulses. I only know that I am doing better than when I started, and better than I have been doing even recently.
Improvement came when I stopped isolating my perception of self and began to place it into context based in reality. How do I treat people? How do they react to me? How have I handled past challenges? What did I learn? How did I apply those lessons? How can I do this better? Do I want to? The most freeing feelings I've ever felt came by way of placing myself within the context of the big picture. It took inclusion to begin to set me free. When you make a list of people you know and whose opinions you respect, then you look at your interpersonal relationships with those individuals, you begin to get a reality based sense of the general external perception of the person you are - what people really think about you. For folks who have suffered or are suffering like I have, that external perception will almost invariably be better than the one you've spun up in your own mind about yourself.
Isolation of yourself or your perception of self is one of the most harmful things you can do, I think. With isolation it is entirely to be all the horrible things I told myself I was. It is only when I presented my evidence for that argument against the reality of the big picture that I saw how false it actually was. I'm not that loser or that failure or that ogre. I'm just a guy. I'm a guy who has done what he thought would bring about the best turn of circumstance for the greatest number of people possible. I am the kind of guy I would want in my corner, in my life, and among my circle of friends. By using isolation, I was able to make myself out to be a horrible monster. The truth is I could just as easily have spun myself up to be an orange polka-dotted horse - none of it was real.
So, onto seeing the big picture. How do people interact with you? What do you contribute? Its something, else they wouldn't stick around for very long 'cause people just don't have time for kicking a dead horse, orange polka-dotting be damned. Do people rely on you? Are you funny? Do you make people laugh in a good, healthy way, or dry their tears as they are getting their cry out? Do you listen? Then, guess what - they need you as much as you need them, and I guarantee you most certainly matter - to them, if not to yourself. But if not to yourself, then why not...and is your why not based on who you are in the big picture, or who you want to make yourself out to be so that you can justify poor or abusive treatment from someone whose validation and approval that you sought but was withheld for reasons that were never your fault or yours to control? These are hard questions. Sometimes, they will require you to see abuse and belittling is not love, and that it never was intended to be. Ultimately, though, it will make you stop doing the same thing to yourself, ergo breaking the cycle of continuity of abuse that you are perpetuating internally instead of toward others. It will make you look to see if there is some way to improve the circumstance for your abuser; and, sadly, sometimes to realize that some abusers do not wish to heal, change, improve, or be forgiven. Sometimes, the really rotten stinkers will even go back to some of their old abusive ways and push the buttons of your most fragile sensitivities. In that case, you need to give that person space to enjoy their misery, and to dole that space out in such a manner (physically and/or emotionally) so that it does not encompass you.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.". Love the ones who love you, and love the ones who don't. Know the difference between them, and give power and influence only to the ones who want to help you progress and make life better. Bitterness is best left to the bitter. Never try to cajole or manipulate, and that includes yourself. Honor your friends and honor yourself for the person you are. Give everyone, including yourself, the freedom of their own action and opinion. Draw from as many positive sources as you can find, and always return the favor in abundance. Love frees and empowers; meanness represses and constrains.
"Set Them Free", Sting.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Enigmatic Understanding
Sometimes, the pieces just sorta fall into place.
For awhile now, I've been puzzling about my own individual standing and how it is perceived by others in areas such as: potential romantic relationships with women, my social circle and activities of choice, even my relationships with family members and coworkers. These thoughts, as you probably know, have been cause of more than a little consternation.
On Tuesday, I was at open mic night with Erica and Jen and company. Erica decided to put me on the allegorical shrink's couch. She said that there are a few women among our group who think I have what it takes to attract a woman, but that I am dealing in surroundings where I am not meeting a potential romantic interest who is close enough to my own age. I think that's a fair assessment, because my own intended target demographic of potential dating partners are women in their mid 30s to mid 40s. All of my friends among Erica's crowd are mid 20s to early 30s; and, as such, just too young for me and them to be on the same page, socially. Age is an inhibitor in that group, but a few of them, as I mentioned, see potential for me to be a good dating prospect. Some of the qualities these young women say that I have working in my favor are a sense of style, and that I always smell nice...thank you, Old Spice!
Of course, I was in the mood to debate the notion, and take Erica's premise to task. I told her that I was, apparently, not acceptable dating material because, by God, results matter, and I am not currently dating anyone. Nevermind that I have not made much of an effort to extend my social connections beyond Erica's inner circle, and try to meet people closer to my own age. To say so, would only have weakened my own self-indicting attack, and probably given Erica the upper hand in the debate. Whenever truth gets in the way of my reasons for psychologically beating myself up, I simply choose to ignore it. Facts, as Roanld Reagan said, are stubborn things. So, I countered that, with all my perceived good qualities her friends mentioned, there is no aspect of me that needs to be fixed. Nevermind that I like to psychologically beat myself up; that is just facts being stubborn again. My theory being that women are only interested in dating men in need of fixing, which may or may not be true - I don't know - but it sounded good, and Erica bought it, too.
We kept talking about those and mostly other topics, and then later in the evening Erica offered an opinion that I have been processing since she said it. Erica said that she thinks I feel stuck. It resonated immediately as being mostly true. I knew I would need to look into it further, and I have been ever since she threw it out there.
At the beginning of this year, the areas of my life that I was looking to improve were that I wasn't dating and I didn't really have a close circle of friends to socialize with on a regular basis. I got invited to a night out for Erica's birthday party on March 31, and from that one night made enough contacts and connections to establish a new social circle of about 25 or 30 people who are glad to see me when I go out. I also found a group of a half dozen, or so, folks, who became friends on a much more personal level, and those folks have been the greatest blessing in my life in the last ten years.
My social skills were a bit rusty when I started to get myself back out there, but my new group of friends made re-assimilation quick, fun, and painless. Prior to this I had largely gotten by as an introvert who made my contatcts by way of mandated exposure to classmates and coworkers. When I stopped taking classes and my interpersonal dynamics at work changed, I had no source of or perceived need for self-initiated social moxy. I was, and still am, proud to be an introvert. Then today a thought occurred to me:
For awhile now, I've been puzzling about my own individual standing and how it is perceived by others in areas such as: potential romantic relationships with women, my social circle and activities of choice, even my relationships with family members and coworkers. These thoughts, as you probably know, have been cause of more than a little consternation.
On Tuesday, I was at open mic night with Erica and Jen and company. Erica decided to put me on the allegorical shrink's couch. She said that there are a few women among our group who think I have what it takes to attract a woman, but that I am dealing in surroundings where I am not meeting a potential romantic interest who is close enough to my own age. I think that's a fair assessment, because my own intended target demographic of potential dating partners are women in their mid 30s to mid 40s. All of my friends among Erica's crowd are mid 20s to early 30s; and, as such, just too young for me and them to be on the same page, socially. Age is an inhibitor in that group, but a few of them, as I mentioned, see potential for me to be a good dating prospect. Some of the qualities these young women say that I have working in my favor are a sense of style, and that I always smell nice...thank you, Old Spice!
Of course, I was in the mood to debate the notion, and take Erica's premise to task. I told her that I was, apparently, not acceptable dating material because, by God, results matter, and I am not currently dating anyone. Nevermind that I have not made much of an effort to extend my social connections beyond Erica's inner circle, and try to meet people closer to my own age. To say so, would only have weakened my own self-indicting attack, and probably given Erica the upper hand in the debate. Whenever truth gets in the way of my reasons for psychologically beating myself up, I simply choose to ignore it. Facts, as Roanld Reagan said, are stubborn things. So, I countered that, with all my perceived good qualities her friends mentioned, there is no aspect of me that needs to be fixed. Nevermind that I like to psychologically beat myself up; that is just facts being stubborn again. My theory being that women are only interested in dating men in need of fixing, which may or may not be true - I don't know - but it sounded good, and Erica bought it, too.
We kept talking about those and mostly other topics, and then later in the evening Erica offered an opinion that I have been processing since she said it. Erica said that she thinks I feel stuck. It resonated immediately as being mostly true. I knew I would need to look into it further, and I have been ever since she threw it out there.
At the beginning of this year, the areas of my life that I was looking to improve were that I wasn't dating and I didn't really have a close circle of friends to socialize with on a regular basis. I got invited to a night out for Erica's birthday party on March 31, and from that one night made enough contacts and connections to establish a new social circle of about 25 or 30 people who are glad to see me when I go out. I also found a group of a half dozen, or so, folks, who became friends on a much more personal level, and those folks have been the greatest blessing in my life in the last ten years.
My social skills were a bit rusty when I started to get myself back out there, but my new group of friends made re-assimilation quick, fun, and painless. Prior to this I had largely gotten by as an introvert who made my contatcts by way of mandated exposure to classmates and coworkers. When I stopped taking classes and my interpersonal dynamics at work changed, I had no source of or perceived need for self-initiated social moxy. I was, and still am, proud to be an introvert. Then today a thought occurred to me:
I'm enigmatic, but no one gets it...
By way of my current collaboration with Kerry, I am looking again at my introverted side. I think the mistake I have been making this year was to think I needed to change that aspect of who I am in order to be liked. I think that conundrum is what Erica was seeing when she said she thinks I feel stuck. Erica was right! I have been between a rock and a hard place trying to figure out how to reconcile the old me with someone who has friends. I think I've sold my current group of friends too discerningly short. Its possible that I can be both an introvert, and worthy of friends, companions...hell, who knows, maybe even a lover. That maybe (and it seems a little strange for me to be thinking this about myself), just maybe, these people like me because I am different, and maybe a very special woman will, too.
That being the case, I am going to re-incorporate some of my more introverted tendencies, but instead of brooding on them alone, I will make sure to observe the reaction and heed the input of my friends. For the first time in my life, I have invested trust in those half dozen or so people mentioned above and in my last post. I trust them as keenly as my own intuition. I trust them to let me know when my own intuition is steering me wrong, 'cause sometimes enigmatism - as great as it can be - is no guarantee of an accurate view.
I am still trying to get away from the need to beat myself up.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Want, Need & Desire
No matter how much logic I try to spin into my current situation, it always comes back to my fairly immediate intention to be part of a romantic relationship. The lines that delineate desire versus need versus want are blurry. I'm not sure it so much matters.
I think part of the disconnect, up 'til this point, has been the way in which I have made myself available for a romantic relationship, and really for all intimate, interpersonal relationships. I give love, and I give it to the exclusion of taking it in return. I don't accept reciprocation. I emotionally spend myself on others, but I never invest in anyone. Without too much finger-pointing or blame-gaming, I think this is because my foundational experiences were not what they should have been.
It is generally presumed that good begets good. That may well be true in some long run, big picture knowledge or understanding; but, it doesn't always seem that way from an individual perspective. I remember being hurt by someone close to me, then trying to fix the situation by responding with love and deference to that person. That person's wrath increased. That person continued to do things and say things that were hurtful. That person nearly destroyed me. So, I had to move onto other persons who responded positively to my expressions of love and deference. More often than not, those people were being hurt by the same person whose meanness I eventually had to manage by way of paying the aggressor only cursory attention. These others who received my investment of love and deference kindly needed to use all the capital that investment brought with it to sooth and heal their own emotional wounds and scars inflicted by the aggressive person. For a very long time, my understanding was that love was to be given with the expectation of nothing in return.
For most of my childhood and adult life, the logical value of unrequited love - in every capacity - made perfect sense. Since partnering up with Vickie in 2007, I have actively tried to fix my own thought patterns, and put my disillusionment with the treatment I have received from others in the past to rest for good. I have made tremendous strides. Through prayer and with God's help, I forgave all past indiscretions unconditionally. The aggressor changed, and embraced the best within themself that they had to offer, and we have since been able to make peace. The aggressor from my past continues to repair other relationships damaged by their past aggression.
In establishing my own identity, my first and foremost goal from a very early age was to be not an aggressor, not mean. On top of that, and later into my adult life, I realized that it felt good to give love freely to those who needed it. I became a crisis manager, a fixer of situations and people broken. I took a great deal of fulfillment and personal validation from that role. I turned it into a career, and ultimately a lifestyle. I never learned how to receive it back, though. I was like a chef at a five star restaurant who lacked the social graces to dine at a table of my own setting; I''m still not sure which fork I'm supposed to use.
There have been people in life who have been so obviously good to me, in retrospect, that I have slowly learned to invest love into our mutual relationships - Jennifer Packard, Steve Jenkins, Debbie Dudley, Craig Johnson and Jack Radcliffe loved and still love me unconditionally. It is upsetting, in a way, that the clarity for acknowledging what they have been doing for so many years has been so long in coming. More recently, because of my work with Vickie and Kerry, I have been able to invest my love into a a few more close, personal friends in such a way that I know I can draw emotional support back from them when I need to. My very dear friend Chelsea Romano has stepped up tremendously and makes a regular effort to try to truly understand me in a way that helps me to better understand myself.
Need is still a slippery slope for me, because I don't know how to necessarily appropriate it in relation to other kinds of feelings. I don't know the boundaries of fairness or propriety where need is concerned. I do have one amazingly special friend who is content to accept my expression of need. When my whole world is topsy-turvy and everything feels like it has been turned upside down in my life - basically, when my world seems to have been totally shattered - Erica Bragg is my rock. She is the one person that is absolutely and unquestionaly able to be relied on as an emotional point-of-reference and know that only good can come from it. At this point, without a romantic partner in my life, I don't know where I'd find an external source of unyielding and constant reassurance that everything will always eventually be okay, were it not for Erica.
My recent experience with Ashley taught me to not try to bring a potential romantic interest too quickly into that circle of trust. I am incredibly blessed to have professional care of Vickie and Kerry. I feel beyond blessed by having Erica and Chelsea there to bring their sensitivity, wisdom and unwavering reliability to my journey of self-awareness. I'm not completely sure what makes them care so much, but they make me feel like I matter. I'm not going to question a good thing.
Still, I imagine that it would be pretty cool to have that other person in my life who is an equal partner in every sense of the word. That person that you instinctively know when to help, and the one who, when they say, "I've got this.", its not to tell you to back off, but just to let you know that this is an individual who has the strength and trust to invest and spend emotional need, too.
Until that person comes along, I'm blessed and content, but still definitely looking...
"When I Need You", Leo Sayer.
I think part of the disconnect, up 'til this point, has been the way in which I have made myself available for a romantic relationship, and really for all intimate, interpersonal relationships. I give love, and I give it to the exclusion of taking it in return. I don't accept reciprocation. I emotionally spend myself on others, but I never invest in anyone. Without too much finger-pointing or blame-gaming, I think this is because my foundational experiences were not what they should have been.
It is generally presumed that good begets good. That may well be true in some long run, big picture knowledge or understanding; but, it doesn't always seem that way from an individual perspective. I remember being hurt by someone close to me, then trying to fix the situation by responding with love and deference to that person. That person's wrath increased. That person continued to do things and say things that were hurtful. That person nearly destroyed me. So, I had to move onto other persons who responded positively to my expressions of love and deference. More often than not, those people were being hurt by the same person whose meanness I eventually had to manage by way of paying the aggressor only cursory attention. These others who received my investment of love and deference kindly needed to use all the capital that investment brought with it to sooth and heal their own emotional wounds and scars inflicted by the aggressive person. For a very long time, my understanding was that love was to be given with the expectation of nothing in return.
For most of my childhood and adult life, the logical value of unrequited love - in every capacity - made perfect sense. Since partnering up with Vickie in 2007, I have actively tried to fix my own thought patterns, and put my disillusionment with the treatment I have received from others in the past to rest for good. I have made tremendous strides. Through prayer and with God's help, I forgave all past indiscretions unconditionally. The aggressor changed, and embraced the best within themself that they had to offer, and we have since been able to make peace. The aggressor from my past continues to repair other relationships damaged by their past aggression.
In establishing my own identity, my first and foremost goal from a very early age was to be not an aggressor, not mean. On top of that, and later into my adult life, I realized that it felt good to give love freely to those who needed it. I became a crisis manager, a fixer of situations and people broken. I took a great deal of fulfillment and personal validation from that role. I turned it into a career, and ultimately a lifestyle. I never learned how to receive it back, though. I was like a chef at a five star restaurant who lacked the social graces to dine at a table of my own setting; I''m still not sure which fork I'm supposed to use.
There have been people in life who have been so obviously good to me, in retrospect, that I have slowly learned to invest love into our mutual relationships - Jennifer Packard, Steve Jenkins, Debbie Dudley, Craig Johnson and Jack Radcliffe loved and still love me unconditionally. It is upsetting, in a way, that the clarity for acknowledging what they have been doing for so many years has been so long in coming. More recently, because of my work with Vickie and Kerry, I have been able to invest my love into a a few more close, personal friends in such a way that I know I can draw emotional support back from them when I need to. My very dear friend Chelsea Romano has stepped up tremendously and makes a regular effort to try to truly understand me in a way that helps me to better understand myself.
Need is still a slippery slope for me, because I don't know how to necessarily appropriate it in relation to other kinds of feelings. I don't know the boundaries of fairness or propriety where need is concerned. I do have one amazingly special friend who is content to accept my expression of need. When my whole world is topsy-turvy and everything feels like it has been turned upside down in my life - basically, when my world seems to have been totally shattered - Erica Bragg is my rock. She is the one person that is absolutely and unquestionaly able to be relied on as an emotional point-of-reference and know that only good can come from it. At this point, without a romantic partner in my life, I don't know where I'd find an external source of unyielding and constant reassurance that everything will always eventually be okay, were it not for Erica.
My recent experience with Ashley taught me to not try to bring a potential romantic interest too quickly into that circle of trust. I am incredibly blessed to have professional care of Vickie and Kerry. I feel beyond blessed by having Erica and Chelsea there to bring their sensitivity, wisdom and unwavering reliability to my journey of self-awareness. I'm not completely sure what makes them care so much, but they make me feel like I matter. I'm not going to question a good thing.
Still, I imagine that it would be pretty cool to have that other person in my life who is an equal partner in every sense of the word. That person that you instinctively know when to help, and the one who, when they say, "I've got this.", its not to tell you to back off, but just to let you know that this is an individual who has the strength and trust to invest and spend emotional need, too.
Until that person comes along, I'm blessed and content, but still definitely looking...
"When I Need You", Leo Sayer.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Mattering Matters
Kerry (my therapist) worked through some stuff with me on Tuesday that brought me to the root cause of why I feel as badly as I do as often as I do: I don't feel like I matter. Now, there are reasons this is the way I feel, and at least as many reasons why I should probably not feel that way, but Kerry got down to the root cause of my depression. Kerry has been an awesome therapist, especially considering that I was not at all happy to have to find anyone other than Vickie to provide that type of collaborative relationship. I've hit the jackpot twice!
Now, when I say I feel like I don't matter, that is all I men. That is how I feel. I am blessed and grateful to have nice people - both family and friends - in my life. In fact, all glory to God, I am blessed in abundance! But Kerry and I got talking about a situation when I took a modest dinner to a friend. Kerry thought it was a wonderful gesture because it would make the recipient feel like they mattered. That phraseology feel like they mattered immediately and very obviously resonated within me. I knew that was the feeling I had been lacking. Over and above needing a date or a romantic partner, I have never really felt as though I have mattered, simply for the sake that everyone should matter...without condition. My sense of mattering has almost always been attached to some kind of expectation of me. They want me around 'cause I say nice things, or they need me here to manage their crises. I have always believed that in order to matter, I had to provide some function or service. I matter at work 'cause they need a warm body behind the console for eight hours, that kind of thing.
Kerry took our session several minutes over limit and into the next scheduled session, in fact. She dimed me into the writings of a guy named Daniel Siegel. I immediately downloaded his book Mindsight via the Kindle app on my phone. Just the introduction of the book has begun to clue me into ways of the mind working (and ways to rework it) that I had never considered. This all happened because Kerry listened to every word I said. Kerry pointed me in a direction wherein I have already been able to avail myself of greater clarity into my own thoughts and feelings. The basic principle of what I have read so far in Siegel's book is to know and put into practice the difference between BEING any given way and FEELING that way. Just because I feel sad, doesn't mean I am sad. Just because I feel like a loser doesn't mean I am a loser. Siegel seems to advance that BEING and FEELING are two completely different things. Those of you who have followed my blog recently probably can understand how freeing this kind of knowledge is for me. In fact, I told a very dear friend tonight that this may get me to a point where I quit throwing myself under the bus. I said it won't happen overnight, but that I'm already moving to a new corner where the bus doesn't come by as frequently. I need to let up on myself. I've been in self-attack mode for way too long. If a woman doesn't want to date me, or some people don't want me in their social group, its probably just their need for something different, and not something wrong with who I am. I think more people than not will probably like who I am just fine.
I also got another book entitled Party of One: the Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus. This book honors the choices and ways of being for people like me who are more introverted. I am at a bit of a crossroads right now trying to figure out the best course for myself going forward, and the knowledge I am drawing from both of these books, I'm sure, will help tremendously.
I am at a crossroads because I am finding that I am not fulfilled by only going to this bar and that for open mic night. I do kinda miss going to MaGerk's on Tuesday night for trivia, but still, its a bar. While bars are great, they are not my target environment for some of the goals of my social agenda. I need to add more options to my social repertoire. I need to get involved in some kind of activity that challenges me and pushes my boundaries a little bit more.
I am also discovering that some things I believed about myself are not true at all. For instance, I believed I needed to be in a committed romantic relationship. I don't need that, I want that. I need to find a way to realize that I do, in fact, matter, and probably have mattered, unconditionally, to more people than I realized. I think that until I get a good handle on the latter, there is absolutely no sense in trying to incorporate the former. Relationships need to flourish in a psychologically healthy environment; I've seen too many potentially good ones go bad the other way.
I have even gotten my head around the confusion of feeling need for a person whom I thought it was inappropriate to feel that need for. Now, I understand that feeling of need was there because that wonderful, special other person "saw" the healthy me that I couldn't seem to see for myself. That person also would not abide my self destructive categorizations of who I am as a person. Even when my argument for being a loser was "rock solid", this person simply rejected it and walked away. I am happy and proud, and so very blessed and appreciative to be able to need this person in my life, and to count on them to be there for me, even when I'm not there for myself. There are friends, there are lovers, there are confidants. Then, there are some individuals who come along in life who are so entirely special that no label is adequate to capture the meaning and importance of who they are. That person for me is beyond amazing!
With this newfound knowledge about myself and my inner processes, there are bound to be some changes. I will probably start to re-embrace some of my more solitary pursuits, like photography, and not be so caught up in trying to change to be a social butrerfly. Maybe instead of trying to morph into some kind of socially graceful butterfly that I'm not, I can create respect within myself and others for the warm-and-fuzzy caterpillar that I am - one who is less forcedly gregarious and perhaps a bit more casually austere, but who loves people in his own unique way.
"The Heart of the Matter", Don Henley.
Now, when I say I feel like I don't matter, that is all I men. That is how I feel. I am blessed and grateful to have nice people - both family and friends - in my life. In fact, all glory to God, I am blessed in abundance! But Kerry and I got talking about a situation when I took a modest dinner to a friend. Kerry thought it was a wonderful gesture because it would make the recipient feel like they mattered. That phraseology feel like they mattered immediately and very obviously resonated within me. I knew that was the feeling I had been lacking. Over and above needing a date or a romantic partner, I have never really felt as though I have mattered, simply for the sake that everyone should matter...without condition. My sense of mattering has almost always been attached to some kind of expectation of me. They want me around 'cause I say nice things, or they need me here to manage their crises. I have always believed that in order to matter, I had to provide some function or service. I matter at work 'cause they need a warm body behind the console for eight hours, that kind of thing.
Kerry took our session several minutes over limit and into the next scheduled session, in fact. She dimed me into the writings of a guy named Daniel Siegel. I immediately downloaded his book Mindsight via the Kindle app on my phone. Just the introduction of the book has begun to clue me into ways of the mind working (and ways to rework it) that I had never considered. This all happened because Kerry listened to every word I said. Kerry pointed me in a direction wherein I have already been able to avail myself of greater clarity into my own thoughts and feelings. The basic principle of what I have read so far in Siegel's book is to know and put into practice the difference between BEING any given way and FEELING that way. Just because I feel sad, doesn't mean I am sad. Just because I feel like a loser doesn't mean I am a loser. Siegel seems to advance that BEING and FEELING are two completely different things. Those of you who have followed my blog recently probably can understand how freeing this kind of knowledge is for me. In fact, I told a very dear friend tonight that this may get me to a point where I quit throwing myself under the bus. I said it won't happen overnight, but that I'm already moving to a new corner where the bus doesn't come by as frequently. I need to let up on myself. I've been in self-attack mode for way too long. If a woman doesn't want to date me, or some people don't want me in their social group, its probably just their need for something different, and not something wrong with who I am. I think more people than not will probably like who I am just fine.
I also got another book entitled Party of One: the Loners' Manifesto by Anneli Rufus. This book honors the choices and ways of being for people like me who are more introverted. I am at a bit of a crossroads right now trying to figure out the best course for myself going forward, and the knowledge I am drawing from both of these books, I'm sure, will help tremendously.
I am at a crossroads because I am finding that I am not fulfilled by only going to this bar and that for open mic night. I do kinda miss going to MaGerk's on Tuesday night for trivia, but still, its a bar. While bars are great, they are not my target environment for some of the goals of my social agenda. I need to add more options to my social repertoire. I need to get involved in some kind of activity that challenges me and pushes my boundaries a little bit more.
I am also discovering that some things I believed about myself are not true at all. For instance, I believed I needed to be in a committed romantic relationship. I don't need that, I want that. I need to find a way to realize that I do, in fact, matter, and probably have mattered, unconditionally, to more people than I realized. I think that until I get a good handle on the latter, there is absolutely no sense in trying to incorporate the former. Relationships need to flourish in a psychologically healthy environment; I've seen too many potentially good ones go bad the other way.
I have even gotten my head around the confusion of feeling need for a person whom I thought it was inappropriate to feel that need for. Now, I understand that feeling of need was there because that wonderful, special other person "saw" the healthy me that I couldn't seem to see for myself. That person also would not abide my self destructive categorizations of who I am as a person. Even when my argument for being a loser was "rock solid", this person simply rejected it and walked away. I am happy and proud, and so very blessed and appreciative to be able to need this person in my life, and to count on them to be there for me, even when I'm not there for myself. There are friends, there are lovers, there are confidants. Then, there are some individuals who come along in life who are so entirely special that no label is adequate to capture the meaning and importance of who they are. That person for me is beyond amazing!
With this newfound knowledge about myself and my inner processes, there are bound to be some changes. I will probably start to re-embrace some of my more solitary pursuits, like photography, and not be so caught up in trying to change to be a social butrerfly. Maybe instead of trying to morph into some kind of socially graceful butterfly that I'm not, I can create respect within myself and others for the warm-and-fuzzy caterpillar that I am - one who is less forcedly gregarious and perhaps a bit more casually austere, but who loves people in his own unique way.
"The Heart of the Matter", Don Henley.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Invisible Touch
I went out for coffee and a bite after work. I usually stop by the diner on Saturday to hang out and talk with Erica 'til closing time. It has become a Saturday night ritual, of sorts.
There were a bunch of young high school kids at the diner, say 9th-11th grade, all dressed up in their fineries, having obviously just come from their homecoming dance. They were having a blast! I wondered to myself what they must be thinking about their present moment and their future on this particular evening. I was also wondering why young boys ever think bold, brightly colored shirts look good with a suit, but I digress. I tried to turn the clock back a quarter century and put myself in their shoes. I wanted to reconnect with my thoughts and feelings from that time in my life. I looked at the crowd of young people, but could not identify with any individual among them. At first, I was puzzled by my lack of being able to identify with the kids in their mid-teens. I mean, I was in my mid-teens once; there's no route to becoming 41 years old, other than to have been there. I contemplated my place (in a different time) among them, and then it hit me. I identified most strongly with the kid who wasn't there. I knew there must be at least one kid who was in that same spot, somewhere else alone and wanting to feel included but didn't, and I felt sad.
I feel like I've spent alot of my life "not there". I feel like I've never really fit in almost anywhere I tried to go. Those few who have accepted me are those onto whom I've imposed need . There are not many people who just want to be in my company. Although I get out frequently, it is because I work myself into situations where I don't particularly belong. I can get over on people for awhile; but, eventually, most of my friends and all of my social circles fall away. Then there are the romantic interests who seem to ferret out my lack of acceptablilty in short order. There are a few, very special individuals who truly care about me - Erica and Jack and the Jenkins clan come easily to mind - but, I don't think there are many people who like me or consider my company particularly enjoyable as any matter of regular course.
There are the dating situations and attempts at dating situations. In the last month, I have had two women - Ashley and Susan - decide that it is better to be without someone than to have to spend any of their romantic/dating/social capital on me. Not having a date, it seems, is a better choice than being stuck with me. Its not that I'm going about things the same way, then expecting a different result. That, as we all know, is the very definition of insanity. I am trying to present my best self (I've lost 50 pounds; I've polished my look) to be available for dating, and women are still taking a pass universally, it seems. That makes me wonder what bad trait it is that I have, or which good one I lack, that sends up the red flag that screams "LOSER!". I hate myself because of it.
The dynamics of my current social situation seem to be changing, and I have recently reached out in desperation to Erica to make sure she doesn't leave with the rest of the crowd, most of whom seem to be figuring out that it is better to keep their distance from this social pariah. I want very badly to not be a loser, but it seems that it is no easier for me to change that about myself than it would be for a leopard to change his spots. Eventually, everyone takes a pass on me,
Things are what they are, and I am able to accept that on face value. What confuses me is that I try to be a good person. I try to make sure I am everything people say a good dating prospect shold be. I broadcast my availability as good company, and even a good, listening friend. Over the past weekend, I was not able to find one person to spend time with on either Friday or Sunday (which happened to be my "Friday") evenings. Erica was a captive audience on Saturday. I don't lament these issues while I'm out (that's what the blog is for), and I'm definitely not a "Debbie Downer" in social situations. I can negotiate the ebb and flow of general banter as well as anyone else. So, why is it that no one really wants to make time to get to understand me?
I'm confused. I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm at a point where I'm ready to just say, "Fuck it!".
"You Don't Know Me", Ray Charles & Diana Krall.
There were a bunch of young high school kids at the diner, say 9th-11th grade, all dressed up in their fineries, having obviously just come from their homecoming dance. They were having a blast! I wondered to myself what they must be thinking about their present moment and their future on this particular evening. I was also wondering why young boys ever think bold, brightly colored shirts look good with a suit, but I digress. I tried to turn the clock back a quarter century and put myself in their shoes. I wanted to reconnect with my thoughts and feelings from that time in my life. I looked at the crowd of young people, but could not identify with any individual among them. At first, I was puzzled by my lack of being able to identify with the kids in their mid-teens. I mean, I was in my mid-teens once; there's no route to becoming 41 years old, other than to have been there. I contemplated my place (in a different time) among them, and then it hit me. I identified most strongly with the kid who wasn't there. I knew there must be at least one kid who was in that same spot, somewhere else alone and wanting to feel included but didn't, and I felt sad.
I feel like I've spent alot of my life "not there". I feel like I've never really fit in almost anywhere I tried to go. Those few who have accepted me are those onto whom I've imposed need . There are not many people who just want to be in my company. Although I get out frequently, it is because I work myself into situations where I don't particularly belong. I can get over on people for awhile; but, eventually, most of my friends and all of my social circles fall away. Then there are the romantic interests who seem to ferret out my lack of acceptablilty in short order. There are a few, very special individuals who truly care about me - Erica and Jack and the Jenkins clan come easily to mind - but, I don't think there are many people who like me or consider my company particularly enjoyable as any matter of regular course.
There are the dating situations and attempts at dating situations. In the last month, I have had two women - Ashley and Susan - decide that it is better to be without someone than to have to spend any of their romantic/dating/social capital on me. Not having a date, it seems, is a better choice than being stuck with me. Its not that I'm going about things the same way, then expecting a different result. That, as we all know, is the very definition of insanity. I am trying to present my best self (I've lost 50 pounds; I've polished my look) to be available for dating, and women are still taking a pass universally, it seems. That makes me wonder what bad trait it is that I have, or which good one I lack, that sends up the red flag that screams "LOSER!". I hate myself because of it.
The dynamics of my current social situation seem to be changing, and I have recently reached out in desperation to Erica to make sure she doesn't leave with the rest of the crowd, most of whom seem to be figuring out that it is better to keep their distance from this social pariah. I want very badly to not be a loser, but it seems that it is no easier for me to change that about myself than it would be for a leopard to change his spots. Eventually, everyone takes a pass on me,
Things are what they are, and I am able to accept that on face value. What confuses me is that I try to be a good person. I try to make sure I am everything people say a good dating prospect shold be. I broadcast my availability as good company, and even a good, listening friend. Over the past weekend, I was not able to find one person to spend time with on either Friday or Sunday (which happened to be my "Friday") evenings. Erica was a captive audience on Saturday. I don't lament these issues while I'm out (that's what the blog is for), and I'm definitely not a "Debbie Downer" in social situations. I can negotiate the ebb and flow of general banter as well as anyone else. So, why is it that no one really wants to make time to get to understand me?
I'm confused. I'm hurting. I'm sad. I'm at a point where I'm ready to just say, "Fuck it!".
"You Don't Know Me", Ray Charles & Diana Krall.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Heartaches 101: Lessons Learned and Applied
I think the problem I ran into with my flash-in-the-pan experience with Ashley was that we got traction before we plotted any kind of direction. I don't think you necessarily have to have your journey charted with a person you are newly dating to any extent beyond a reasonable hope for a second date, but its probably a pretty good idea to resist the urge to smoke your tires coming right outta the gate. In the interest of chivalry, I'll claim a full mea culpa on this one, even if I don't really believe it all belongs to mea. Enough said. Ashley is a wonderful woman, and I wish her peace, love and happiness...just not with me.
I have been supported to the Nth degree by some awesome friends who have all stepped up tremendously. Special thanks to Stevie, Deb Dudley, Diana, Rachel and, most especially, Erica. I have also been checked on by my wonderfully caring therapist, Kerry. Kerry, you had some big shoes to fill by being the Post Vickie therapist, and everything that was wonderful about Vickie fits you like the glass slipper you deserve - you're awesome!
Since last week's less than stellar turns-of-events, I've started a really great conversation with another interesting and lovely young woman. Her name is Susan. This is where the application of lessons learned with/from/because of Ashley comes in. Susan is laid-back, fun, light-hearted. I think I'll follow her lead in those respects. They say girls just wanna have fun. Well, so do guys, too, pretty much. Pizza, beer, football, coffee, Target, movies, trivia...it all sounds good to me. I'm much more relaxed talking to Susan, and I think I'll let that relaxed feeling be my internal pace-setter, here. Its cool that we get each other's arcane 80s pop culture references. I like that.
So, there it is. The last week, or so, in a nutshell. Hell, it took me 40 years to get to a point where my mindset is healthy enough to reasonably even try to date; it might easily take me another 40 years to get good at it. And, I don't think guys will ever figure out girls, so I'm just gonna throw that all-or-nothing goal out with yesterday's news. I thought about giving up on the whole dating thing because my first dating experience with a healthy mindset didn't work out well. Well, Erica indicted me quite correctly on that one...she said I was going back to an old "attack myself" psychological comfort zone; guilty as charged, your honor!
Lesson learned with a big thanks to all, even Ashley!
"One More Try", George Michael.
I have been supported to the Nth degree by some awesome friends who have all stepped up tremendously. Special thanks to Stevie, Deb Dudley, Diana, Rachel and, most especially, Erica. I have also been checked on by my wonderfully caring therapist, Kerry. Kerry, you had some big shoes to fill by being the Post Vickie therapist, and everything that was wonderful about Vickie fits you like the glass slipper you deserve - you're awesome!
Since last week's less than stellar turns-of-events, I've started a really great conversation with another interesting and lovely young woman. Her name is Susan. This is where the application of lessons learned with/from/because of Ashley comes in. Susan is laid-back, fun, light-hearted. I think I'll follow her lead in those respects. They say girls just wanna have fun. Well, so do guys, too, pretty much. Pizza, beer, football, coffee, Target, movies, trivia...it all sounds good to me. I'm much more relaxed talking to Susan, and I think I'll let that relaxed feeling be my internal pace-setter, here. Its cool that we get each other's arcane 80s pop culture references. I like that.
So, there it is. The last week, or so, in a nutshell. Hell, it took me 40 years to get to a point where my mindset is healthy enough to reasonably even try to date; it might easily take me another 40 years to get good at it. And, I don't think guys will ever figure out girls, so I'm just gonna throw that all-or-nothing goal out with yesterday's news. I thought about giving up on the whole dating thing because my first dating experience with a healthy mindset didn't work out well. Well, Erica indicted me quite correctly on that one...she said I was going back to an old "attack myself" psychological comfort zone; guilty as charged, your honor!
Lesson learned with a big thanks to all, even Ashley!
"One More Try", George Michael.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Depression: An Inside Perspective
I am fighting a bout of depression right now that is pretty nasty. People are telling me to snap out of it. It ain't that simple.
Depression is a disease like any other. When someone is depressed, telling them to snap out of it is like telling someone with a cold or the flu to just not be sick...as though it were a choice. For those going through major depressive episodes, which I occasionally do, folks tell you to concentrate on the good in your life. Well, that's like telling a cancer patient to just focus on all those other cells in your body that are healthy.
I think people who feel most deeply tend to hurt the worst. It only makes sense that that would be true. Well, I'm hurting pretty badly right now. So, forgive me if I can't seem to "just snap out of it" or miracle myself instantaneously back to health; but also, please try to understand that these things take time.
The good news is that these episodes, just like a cold or the flu, just need to run their course. The patient will recover gradually. I've been through this. I know what's involved. And, if you don't judge people who are ill with colds, flu or other disease, please do not judge me for my disease.
"Unwell", Matchbox 20.
Depression is a disease like any other. When someone is depressed, telling them to snap out of it is like telling someone with a cold or the flu to just not be sick...as though it were a choice. For those going through major depressive episodes, which I occasionally do, folks tell you to concentrate on the good in your life. Well, that's like telling a cancer patient to just focus on all those other cells in your body that are healthy.
I think people who feel most deeply tend to hurt the worst. It only makes sense that that would be true. Well, I'm hurting pretty badly right now. So, forgive me if I can't seem to "just snap out of it" or miracle myself instantaneously back to health; but also, please try to understand that these things take time.
The good news is that these episodes, just like a cold or the flu, just need to run their course. The patient will recover gradually. I've been through this. I know what's involved. And, if you don't judge people who are ill with colds, flu or other disease, please do not judge me for my disease.
"Unwell", Matchbox 20.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
It Ain't Her, Babe
I have put the Ashley-specific part of my most recent "break-up" behind me. I have convinced my family, friends and coworkers that I am okay.
I'm not okay. The problem is that my problem is not Ashley-specific. My problem is constant rejection. All the women I have ever tried to date all reach the same inevitable conclusion: I have no worth as a romantic consideration. I want romantic consideration. That's a problem. I think I need to resign myself to the fact that it can't be everybody else. I'm an ugly, worthless loser.
People try to console by saying there are alot of people "in the same boat". Well, there are probably "boats" loaded with people who just couldn't ever seem to figure out how to handle it, too. I guess when I ultimately surrender to my increasingly evident loser status, that will be something that also happens to alot of people.
"Comfortably Numb", Pink Floyd.
I'm not okay. The problem is that my problem is not Ashley-specific. My problem is constant rejection. All the women I have ever tried to date all reach the same inevitable conclusion: I have no worth as a romantic consideration. I want romantic consideration. That's a problem. I think I need to resign myself to the fact that it can't be everybody else. I'm an ugly, worthless loser.
People try to console by saying there are alot of people "in the same boat". Well, there are probably "boats" loaded with people who just couldn't ever seem to figure out how to handle it, too. I guess when I ultimately surrender to my increasingly evident loser status, that will be something that also happens to alot of people.
"Comfortably Numb", Pink Floyd.
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