Apparently, when you pour four Manhattans you know you have on top of pneumonia you don't know you have, you end up waking up eight hours later, with no recollection of the previous eight hours, in the University of Maryland Medical Center ER, and somehow, by the next day, your pneumonia becomes a coma after having been ground through the grist of the rumor mill.
I'll take it from the top. I went out with a buddy on Tuesday for dinner and a movie. We went to Banthai in Mount Vernon, then to the Charles Theater for the flick. We had time to kill before the movie, so we strolled over to the Club Charles (Baltimore's premier dive bar) for a couple (exactly 2) Manhattans. We saw the movie then strolled back across the way for a couple (again, exactly 2) more manhattans. That was about 10 o'clock, and it's the last thing either of us remember.
Apparently, I fell in the bar, went unconscious, aspirated and stopped breathing. My buddy passed out, too, and at the same damn time, apparently. They tell me there was a cop and an ambulance. Hell, there could even have been dancing giraffes, for all I know. Neither one of us can still remember anything.
Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the ER in Baltimore with a tube down my throat. So I stayed there awhile - not like I had much choice - and wrote on a dry-erase board to ask various nurses if they were single. I figured, what the hell, they were kind of as much a captive audience as I was at that point. Well, no dice on the Find Mike an ER Nurse Dating Game - thank you, Bob Eubanks!
Then. fate smiled broadly upon me. They did the transfer from the ER to MICU. Just prior to doing the bed transfer, six gorgeous nurses, all at the same time, gave me a bath. Do you know how much I usually have to pay to get a bath from six "nurses"? Well, it's about the same as the cost of this stay, but the nurses ain't nearly as classy as the young, intelligent and caring lovlies, here. If nothing else ever goes right in my life, I can now die a happy man. Even now, I'm getting to ask top-shelf, smart, amazing looking women to do things like "tie me up". When life hands you lemons...find a way to turn it into somethin' kinky a la 9 1/2 Weeks.
So, Wednesday was used up waiting for the tube to be removed from my throat, and basking in the afterglow of my bath. Thursday rolls around, and I hear that a group of friends had somehow been misinformed that I was in a coma. I told them I wasn't. My dear friend from photo school, Jenn Austin, came along - after calling around to seven different hospitals to find me, no less - with one of her very attractive 26 year old female nursing school buddies to see me. I thought about asking them for another bath, but decided to behave. Then, my friend Lou and our former teacher Jack Radcliffe called to make sure I was okay. I got a lovely card and candy from the folks at work. It's a sappy Capra line, but so very true, that, "No man is a failure who has friends.".
In all seriousness, I am here as a result of my own bad choices, and that troubles me, even though the bad choices came to light by way of hindsight. I seriously cannot say enough good about the University of Maryland Medical Center staff, especially the nurses. They are truly the consummate professionals of their field, and very caring people, especially Kate and Valentyna, but all of them, really! I couldn't be more happy with the treatment I have received, here. More special thanks to Dr Todd, Art Cohen, Dr Wood and Dr Ligiero. What a group! Even my nurse tonight, Maggie, is amazing! The gentleman who brings around the hospital food is a quintessential care-providing professional; the food is not as good, but then, this ain't supposed to be the Ritz.
Many more thanks to my family, friends (especially my facebook friends) and coworkers for their care and support. This is not a mistake I'm looking to repeat, but it is one that has evidenced how truly blessed I am to be surrounded by the wonderful people in my life, and I love you all dearly!
Stay well, and avoid Manhattan!
"It Won't Hurt", Dwight Yoakam.
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