The couple of nights I spent hangin' out with my ol' buddy Lynn left me all fucked in the head. She gave me what I'm lookin' for - and, no, it wasn't sex; in fact, it wasn't physical at all, save for the fact that she was physically there. She gave me intimacy and a feeling of security.
I'm an oddball, a conversationalist, an anomaly, and most definitely a late-nighter. Well, Lynn is most of these things, too. We closed down the same bar for two nights runnin', and on the second night we nearly closed down the all-night diner. Lynn even rode shotgun in Lonesome Blue (my pick-up truck for those scoring along at home - yes, I named it...I know) from the bar to the diner. Do you know how long I've wanted to have a female partner riding shotgun with me? For one evening Lonesome Blue was un-Lonesome Blue. We talked, commiserated, gossiped and laughed about anything and everything under the sun...and nearly 'til the sun came up.
Sex is not one of the main things I want from a relationship. I guess 'cause in this day and age it's no longer a special kind of thing. A person can get sex from their gender of choice by picking just about any partner who needs to score some drugs, then facilitating that need through extorted copulation. I want intimacy! I want someone there when something - God forbid - happens to a friend or family member. I want someone there at a quarter to three in the morning to listen to some crazy idea that I just thought up and am way too overly excited about. I want her there in our old age when I'm melancholy and missing my parents. I want her next to me to ease the ill nerves caused by an all-too-real nightmare. I want to be that person, that strong man she needs, to help face her good and bad times, too. I am that man, so where is that woman for me?
When a woman says that I'm "such a great guy", it is, of course parenthetically appended with"...but not for me.". And when a lady tells me about remaining "just friends", it means she doesn't want to help me with my emotional baggage or to sleep with me, and she doesn't want my intimacy either. I'm tired of the seemingly constant stream of rejection.
I'm tired of God hearing what I need and still saying no, no, no. I want to cut Him off and take the last word for myself. I think if I hear one more woman give me the "just friends" or "such a great guy" business, I'll punch her in the face. I would honestly have greater respect for a woman who told me that she didn't want anything to do with me 'cause she thinks I'm a fat, ugly dork or an arrogant asshole. Either way the ultimate outcome is the same - no partner. But, at least I wouldn't be left to wonder why she wasn't interested if, indeed, I am "such a great guy".
"But Not For Me", Judy Garland.
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