I think Vickie and I might have fixed me. It has been suggested to me that maybe I am no longer in need of therapy at this point. Looking critically at this idea only reaffirms the notion.
When Vickie left, I no longer had the "recharge" session to look forward to every two to three weeks. While she was available to me, I wasn't forced to solve my own issues, 'cause I knew I could take "it" to her in 10 days to two weeks time, more or less. The elephant in the room (whatever particular issue it may happened to have been) would have to wait, 'cause Vickie was going to be there soon enough to help me with the heavy lifting. Well, Vickie is not in a state to be doing any heavy lifting right now, and she's not gonna be available to my aid soon enough. I gotta do it. And, guess what. I have!
With Vickie's help, I was able to move outside of myself. I never ventured too far, 'cause I wanted to validate every little move with her approval. Well, since she made it time for me to stand on my own two feet, I have gone to Atlantic City with three lovely young women, and had a blast, by the way. I have smoked out a specific woman's intent toward a dating component to our relationship - hello, Patti. I have expanded my network of friends - hello, recently acquainted peeps. I have given up one major vice - soda. I have kept the company of at least one beautiful, intelligent woman with neither the expectation nor any predetermined proclivity toward the notion of there being more, or not - hello, Lynn. I have cut away some influences that were disempowering to my overall sense of confidence. None of these things were able to be done with the expectation of getting a gold star from Vickie at therapy for my efforts, because she simply is not available to me in that way, anymore. She's not there.
For all the grief I have gotten from others at times; and, for all of the grief I have given myself alot of the time about not leaving the nest and venturing out "on my own" in some marked and meaningful way, I think this time, and in this particular situation, I have proven to myself and to some of those around me that I can manage my own emotions, feelings and affairs...and, at least, the affairs of several other folks, too, btw, who look to me for help. I have also affirmed through action to a few that I will not be anyone else's emotional dumping ground or doormat.
It seems, ruminatively speaking, that for all intent and purpose, I had to navigate "on my own" from a very young age. I was a scared little kid when I psychologically "left the nest". I wasn't ready; and, as a result, I spent the better part of thirty years much like a sparrow in a hurricane. Oh sure, I learned to ride the winds. I even learned to fairly accurately anticipate a change in direction of those winds. But it took the caring, understanding, patience, compassion and selfless love of Vickie to teach me to stop gliding on the winds stirred up by others and to deliberately fly with my own direction, intent and purpose, and without blind deferrence to the hostile gusts and heady breezes offered by everyone else.
Give yourself a pat on the back and a big ol' high-5 there, Vick! I think we saw this thing through!
"Let the Four Winds Blow", Fats Domino.
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