In the sessions leading up to Vickie's departure, I was trying - not particularly successfully - to steel myself against the emotion of the situation, and also to reassure her that I was somehow "okay" with it. I acted like things were coming together, and partly through God-given mercy and partly through intention, things did start to come together for me. With the idea of Vickie leaving and my not knowing who I would see in her absence, I had to find my sense of external validation from other sources. I got it...from Erica, from Jen, from others, also; but, those two are special to me. Those two women have bolstered my confidence to seek out companionship. I don't feel anymore deserving of a woman's affections, 'cause part of me always believed - or, at least, wanted to believe - that I was deserving of that. I do feel, because of how these women have treated me and how they have included me in some of their fun, that maybe I do have something to offer a woman; that, maybe I am not so awful. Everyday, my visceral sense of self-hatred and self-doubt seems to get smaller and smaller in my psychological rear view mirror.
Today's song is one Jen posted yesterday on facebook; she has such awesome taste in music!. I had all but forgotten about this wonderful record. Though there is no particular connection between the song and the words in this post, there is certainly no disconnect. This is, after all, how I am feeling about that special woman out there, these days; but, who is she? I feel like she is so near, but that all the pieces for me to be able to put together who this wonderful, beautiful woman is have not quite fallen into place yet. I believe God answers my requests, and that He provides signs for me to know when something is right. I can sense His power at work, here, in this instance, too. I know she is near. I just don't know who she is. I wonder how her identity will be revealed to me... Maybe she'll give me a rose, like on The Bachelor...lol!
"These Arms of Mine", Otis Redding.
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