The only antidote for loneliness, I think, must be companionship. Yeah, I know the drill about confidence and self-assurance and all that kind of thing. I am not dismissing any of that. It is all important. What my point is, is that you can read and learn and simulate and strategize how to fly an airplane, but you ain't really ever a pilot 'til you go wheels-up for that first time.
I want to be a lover. But for all my preparation and effort, I cannot seem to lift off from the runway. I'm ready. I'm a decent guy. I would treat the right woman better than most men could, except for maybe the over-indulgences of crazy, stupid wealth. But, I'm not competing with the ridiculously wealthy; I'm not competing with anybody at all. I just want my (our) own space in the flight pattern with all the other lovers up there.
I am actively "marketing" myself to women I know. Now, most of these women are not dating prospects, but I figure by showing them signs of who I really am, I might get a referral from at least one of them. I have taken the good advice I've gained from women friends over the years and I have put it into practice. I am no longer presenting myself as a desperate loser inviting ladies who could be the target of my affections to walk on the ground that I worship. Dawn said I did that, and that I tend to put women I'm interested in on a pedestal. So, I stopped doing that. One of my biggest issues is getting relegated to the "friend" role by just about every woman I know. Well, I want to be my special lady's friend, but I want to be her lover, too. I want to go to her house at three in the morning 'cause she had a bad dream and just needs a pair of relatively strong arms to make the scariness go away. I want to be the one she calls after leaving a bad day at work, just 'cause she needs somebody to cry to, who will listen without judging. When her parents get sick, I want to be the one who drives her to the hospital and stays around and waits for her in the waiting room, while she waits on them at their bedside. My schedule is tight, but my heart and my love is available. And, I know it would have so much more value to me if I had the opportunity to give it away, than what it has for me by staying bottled up inside me, or having to be used partially as a marketing tool to try to meet this special woman.
It seems ridiculous to be 40 and not to have had this kind of connection when there has been all this good within me all along. The truth is, too, what I want to be for my companion and lover is also what I want her to be for me. I have fears and funny stories and feelings, too. I want someone so incredibly special that I not only share these things about me with her, but that I invest them in her, and that she does the same with me. Am I looking at love and relationships through rose-colored glasses? I don't think so. I think I am looking at how I really want to make myself available to the right woman, but I feel like I keep getting punished by every day that passes without finding her. The fullness of my happiness and existence - ergo, the end of my loneliness - always comes down to the same question: Where is she?
"Dream Lover", Bobby Darin.
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