Tomorrow, I begin a new chapter. I will be seeing a therapist named Kerry Richie, in Bel Air. My appointment is at 4 o'clock. It feels funny. The environment of the therapist's office has become like sacred ground to me. That is where I can totally drop my guard. It feels funny - almost to the point of being wrong - to do that with anybody but Vickie. Honestly, I am misting up now just writing this. I haven't been this sad from missing Vickie since the day she left her practice. I had such a good therapeutic relationship, not to mention a friendship, with her, that going to talk about my thoughts and feelings to someone else feels very much like emotional infidelity. I feel like I am betraying my greatest confidant. God, how I miss her!
Kerry seems like a nice woman, and I am afraid that all she will get from me is resentment of her being "not Vickie". I don't want to come off as a jerk to someone who got me in for an appointment at a moment's notice. None of my feelings of sadness and resentment are her fault.
Vickie's leaving still had the luxury and comfort of it being about Vickie in relation to my need for a therapist. Tomorrow, for the first time in my therapeutic experience, its not about my best collaborator. I hate this! Of all the doors I've opened and closed to new opportunities and old wounds alike, tomorrow's will be the hardest I've had to walk through.
Damn it, Vickie! I miss you, and it hurts.
"Everybody Hurts", R.E.M.
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