Out Last Night

So, yesterday I worked the 2:30-10:30 evening shift.  That is by far my favorite, because - one -
you get to sleep in, and - two - there are still places to go when work is over.

I headed for the diner to go see Erica.  She was knocking off early, and asked if I wanted to go to Bolan's to help plan a birthday get-together for her friend Jen.  So we did.  We had a few drinks and a couple of her friends stopped by our table, then one of my friends showed up on the smokers' balcony.  This was a person I had not seen in a while and we got to talking.  Erica left, and I was still there sipping my last beer - Erica wanted to split a pint of Blue Moon; I HATE BLUE MOON! - but, I'm old school, and what the lady wants, the lady gets. 

So, this friend, Katie was there with a guy who seemed like her date, but she kept talking to me.  I sensed that she was not having the best of evenings with the guy who was there with her.  She kept talking to me about a mutual, deceased friend whom, incidentally, was also named Erica, and my photography and her photography.  So, while I was glad to see Katie, I felt a bit like a third-wheel.  I tried to steer the conversation back into a more general direction to include this other guy.  I kept looking for an entrance to make my exit, and finally found it.  Quite perplexingly, I was surprised how, when I left, the scent of Katie lingered on my fancy for the rest of the evening.

Now mind you, I do not know this woman very well at all.  She is 32, and definitely out of what I consider a proper age range for me.  Plus, she has three kids, and I'm still not quite sure how I feel about dating a woman with children.  Her social status is listed as "single" on facebook.  So, if interested, I guess I do have that one snowball's chance in hell of getting her to dinner, or some other social venue.

My trouble is - and, this is not a fishing-for-compliments statement, just how I honestly feel - I cannot imagine a woman wanting to be seen out socially with me in any way, shape, form or fashion.  I am ugly.  I am fat.  I am starting to grey up around the temples.  I wish I could redirect these feelings, but everytime I pass a mirror, I think to myself, "Who do you think you're kidding, that a woman would even give you a first glance, let alone a second look or a chance?".  This is a big part of the lingering self-hatred and feeling of being a failure, a loser, or whatever other nice name I can throw at myself.  At the same time, I feel horribly lonely, and desperately want for a woman to want me around.  It's a conundrum.  I know confidence is key, but the only traits about which I am confident are very negative, and reasons why my failure at relationships should continue.  I need someone to help me find the reset button.

"Out Last Night", Kenny Chesney.