If You Come to a Fork in the Road, Take It

Things are beginning to change rapidly in my life.  The most notable of these changes is how I see my own role in relationship to those around me.  A few individuals who I thought would always be there for me have proven that they really cannot be counted on for support.  These are good people, and I believe they have good intentions, but, for whatever reason, they are either unable or unwilling to make good on those intentions.  I am not angry at them, but I need to stop relying on them for my own sense of self-worth, because they end up hurting me.  My friend Patti is of the mindset that you are all you have.  By and large, I think that may be true.  But, there are people, very special individuals, who are the exception to that rule.  I generally like to consider myself as one of those exceptions, though, I'm sure I've failed many people many times.

I am also considering my role here at home with my parents.  At first, it was to be peacemaker.  Now, it is to be an ad hoc care provider.  My care provision seems, lately, to be needed on an ever-increasing basis.  I feel like this is my God-given Christian purpose right now, to help care for Mom and Dad and to provide them with as worry free an environment as possible for them to heal from their various conditions and ailments.  I do not resent my Christian obligation to do this.  In fact, it is the fulfillment of a life-long dream:  to create a sense of unity and peace in a household that didn't enjoy those benefits while I was growing up.  I have put all that upheaval behind me, by way of the gifts of prayer, therapy and forgiveness.

For the first time in my life, I believe myself to be worthy of happiness.  I also - again, for the first time - believe that I have made adequate psychological space for the attendant emotions and feelings that go along with a relationship that is healthy and fulfilling for both parties.  My biggest hurdle now is that of impatience.  When I decide to do something, I generally will stop at nothing to begin and, in very short order, complete the process.  Affairs of the heart are not so neatly packaged.  I cannot believe that God wants me to suffer through the loneliness I feel.  I believe He must have someone for me, somewhere out there.

"Somewhere Out There", Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram